DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

@Sirzy Not quite. Many double-up as a parent/ child room. You can't get a double buggy or even a buggy into an ordinary loo.

And don't forget about people with hidden medical issues. People with Crohns/ IBS/ bladder issues often can't wait but they can walk perfectly well.

My thoughts, too. If they were male DC, would he do the same because of "grotty" men's toilets?

Having said that, I can't recall if it was on here or Twitter that one man said he did exactly that with his male DC for exactly that reason!

I've seen men in ladies a few times- I did feel outraged but them saw he had a little girl and then understood. It's a difficult situation for him to be in. I wouldn't want to take my daughter into a men's toilets either.

if it is the ONLY baby change then their is no choice, it’s bad planning and it’s annoying but it’s not the parents fault.

and where did I for a second suggest only those with visible disabilities should use them? It is because people with bowel and bladder conditions do need that speed of access that nobody should use them just because they can’t plan better.

If my DH takes DD to the public toilets he takes her to the men's (if family/disable unavailable).

However, I'm in support of a dad taking DD to the ladies. Ladies toilets are private so zero chance of DH/DD seeing a strangers 'bits'. Men urinals are in view of others so high chance of DH/DD seeing a strangers 'bits'. Therefore, the former is the better option in my opinion.

If it comes down to comfort well a childs comfort should be put above an adult comfort imo.

if it has a changing place (for children as apposed to changing places) and no key its ok. but if it has a key its aimed at disabled people (hidden and so on included) not as a convenient place for a dad.
if everyone uses them the people they are aimed at will not be able to go out.
why can't parents see this and just use the toilets that belong to their sex.
or campaign for better facilities rather that taking from others.

Because there is a demand for baby change facilities, and there is no law saying the accessible facilities cannot be shared, only that they must be provided.

So the disabled people fought long and hard for those facilities and then along came parents who said 'we will shop in your store over someone elses if you've got baby change...' and stores thought 'OH GOODY WE CAN MAKE MONEY OUT OF THE SPACE WE HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DEDICATE TO THE DISABLEDZ'..

And now we are where we are, and that is sitting outside the toilets busting for whatever, not knowing if theres another one of us in there fighting with some underwear or if theres a family of six completely non-disabled, enjoying a leisurely family crap.

It isn't just the toilets either - busses - yeah we fought for that and then everyone with a kid thought 'hey, NOW i can buy that HUGE pram that doesn't fold down easily because NOW there is somewhere on the bus to put it' and pram manufacturers thought 'yes, our market has increased, so people who don't have a car with a massive boot will buy our prams too..'

Supermarket BB spaces - 'well we're in the same boat really'.. she said to me as she hopped her able bodied ass out of her car, with a tinkly laugh and got her able bodied child out of the back and into a push chair... No! Not really, not at all in fact!

there is no chance of seeing a penis at a urinal unless you’re standing at one

On the one hand I'd like to think I support easy access to toilets, but as a disabled person, (And I mean properly disabled, poor mobility and balance,) I dread needing the loo and finding it full of children / causing lengthy delays.

Exactly.

It would not bother me if a dad with 2 little girls used the ladies. As a mum of a daughter I would not want her using the toilet in the mens. Mens toilets are disgusting and seeing a strange bloke having a shit in an unlocked cubicle is not for little ladies eyes.

Your husband is doing what he thinks is best to protect his daughters. Well done to him. He's only using it as a last resort. If I saw a man come into the women's restroom with his little girls, particularly if he announced himself as such, I would not mind one bit.

I would just also recommend that he file a complaint with the store/restaurant in which these disgusting men's restrooms are, and inform them that they need to do a better job of keeping the place clean. As a father, he should be able to take his children to the bathroom safely.

@Sirzy Usually the only toilet I could access when I was out with DT's when they were in a buggy was the accessible loo.
The space is sometimes what people need to access, I would guess this is why changing stations are often in there.
Large unisex individual cubicles would sort a lot of these issues but they would cause other issues.

What I’ve read so far:

• parents of girls have to plan every trip and map where all potential toilets are
• they also need to read reviews of toilet cleanliness to assess if that can be added to a safe list
• parents of girls can’t do anything spontaneous as they haven’t followed the above rules and apparently the rules work in all scenarios
• no one should use abuse using disabled access
• people are under the illusion cafes, shopping centres and parks all have unisex single cubicles
• Girls can’t go to the loo whilst they’re out or can’t go out for more than 1 hour in case they need the loo whilst out
• Girls should wear a nappy
• Dads should be ok about young girls seeing grown mens penises and urinating
• Dads should ask women they don’t know to assist their daughter going to the toilet without any consideration as to the safeguarding of this situation given their vulnerability, as they are waiting outside

In those circumstances I'd find a quiet patch of grass and change her there. I wouldn't want him in the ladies.

Why is it ok for little boys though? Or are you saying men should be able to accompany any child into the ladies? Women have to accommodate for male behaviour in not being able to keep a toilet half way decent?

Well if anyone identifies as a lady they can use a ladies these days

In fact, why is it ok for any boy? At what age does it become acceptable for a child to have to use the men's if the concern is hygiene? 8, 10, 18?

What does he do when he needs the toilet and he's out with them? Just decide its fine for him to use the women's then as well does he? And as others have asked, would he feel differently if his children were boys or would he still want to use the women's toilets because he'd feel they were cleaner/nicer places for children? Toilets are sex segregated for a reason. Some people might not have a problem with a man using the toilets in those circumstances but plenty of others will and their comfort is just as important (in fact, its more important than the comfort of the man in this situation). Campaign for better family toilets, or for men's toilets to be less disgusting, rather than just asking women to budge over yet again.

I was going to say exactly this.

Except boys have penises. So 8, 10 and 18 year old boys/mens wont be shocked seeing others urinate.

Maybe mumsnetters should grab a clothes peg or a man and get them to go into men's toilets take pictures, describe the pong and get their men to start kicking off to the powers that be aka owners of these awful loos. Men shouldn't have to put up with this. Women wouldn't

In his position, if there is really no alternative, I would knock on the door of the ladies, or go in and say loudly, "please don't worry, I am just bringing my young daughters to the toilet!"

When you have children you have to accept that there are some stages of their lives where there are limitations. You cant take a baby to a night Club just because you are breast feeding.

You cant go drinking in some dive inhabited by so many druggies they had to remove the toilet seats.

And shock horror you might have to visit a few family friendly venues rather than carry on as if everyone should accommodate your wants and needs amd poor choices all the time.

Boys are teased in the toilets which can cause all sorts of problems bladder and bowel wise