DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

Just my opinion but I am 100% behind your DH using the ladies. The idea of your little girls in pee soaked men's urinals which we all know are often unhygienic as hell (when compared to the ladies) surrounded by blokes is really not a nice visual.

I know others will think differently - just my two cents!

So effectively she's not allowed bounderies then . What if this father isn't as nice as her father? He's effectively a stranger man in close proximity to your ddbwhos feelings you are elevating alive thise of your dd.

Your prioritising men not your dd. Whats that teaching her?

It’s not just what he thinks. Many men’s loos ARE filthy. Men can stand up to pee so it doesn’t bother them as much.

You need to push and campaign for unisex, larger cubicle 'parent and child' toilet facilities.

Fuck off out of the disabled bogs unless you have a disability or have a child with a disability.

Disable people fought for that provision. It is already compromised by stores turning it into a shared baby change/accessible facility because they know it keeps customers in store.

Ive said this before, and it gets no where every time - the power of Mumsnet is huge, you COULD organise a big push for a particular facility, make it clear you don't want people encroaching on your protected space and don't want to encroach on anyone elses yourselves... and stop this.

But its easier not to isn't it. Meanwhile, some of us will sit and piss our pants in public waiting for Daddy and 3 toddlers to all have a wee, splash water and piss all over the floor, use up all the bog roll and have a story for half an hour in there.

As long as they all exit should someone arrive who can only use that loo?

Hmm the OP didn't mention her 3 year olds were still in nappies, and why would a child be falling down the pan - wouldn't you just close the lid?

I feel quite strongly about female only spaces but this wouldn't bother me. He's protecting two little girls from the perils of other men (& their mess) and that's an exceptional circumstance. How would he react if a woman was started by his presence, is he personable enough to explain ?
Having said this, if you have a sympathetic gp s/he may provide you with a disabled key. I've known this happen in a few circumstances where the request isn't made by a disabled person. Or if he's in a cafe/pub etc and explains to the staff, they may give him the key too.

So why do they put changing facilities in them for babies?

Aren't a lot of toilets now that were called 'Disabled' now being called 'Accessible'?

In my local Waitrose, they have named them
'Accessible - Not all disabilities are obvious'

(This is good as many people have bowel or bladder issues and need a loo urgently or with more space. They don't need to be in a wheelchair to have a medical condition.)

In Waitrose, they are in constant use by parents with kids in buggies, or when they have more than one child in tow. Far more than by customers with limited mobility.

Your DH ought to IMO make a note of places (in advance) that have baby changing facilities or unisex loos, or parent-child loos.

Going into the Women's loos is not acceptable IMO.

A man should not be in the womens toilets, and just because one person wouldn't mind doesn't mean they get to speak for all women.

In regards to the issue on male cleaners - this is stated clearly before entering the toilets so a woman can make a fair choice. Also, if anything dreadful were to happen in the toilet with a male employee, they would be easy to find and apprehend wouldn't they? Being employed and all! But a random, strange man in the toilets would be very hard to track down.

I wouldn't be comfortable sending my little girl in to the toilet alone any more if I thought men who were unhappy with the state of the male loos would be using them.

Plan ahead, take them into a cafe toilets, use a family toilet in a supermarket or have a wild wee. It won't be for long until he they can hold their bladders more or he can send them into the womens alone

A lot of public loos don't have lids these days. Down to drug taking

Another vote for family loos, but as things stand, I can personally understand why he uses the ladies'. I still remember my DF taking me into the men's, when I was maybe 4 or 5, and another man having a go at him ( and me), saying I shouldn't be there! Obviously that was totally out of order, but it is very difficult.

He should do what he would do if he had twin sons and take them into the men's toilets. They will come to no harm with him in charge.

I have been told that men's toilets can be grotty but it is not my responsibility as a woman to welcome all comers into my space just because they don't like theirs.

I would have no issue in a man coming into ladies with kids. Mens toilets are the pits! And i sure as shit wouldn't expect 2 young pre school age kids to go in a loo alone.
I would want the man to maybe call through and ask if anyone minds.
Most toilet facilities have male cleaners. No difference

He needs to start routinely bringing cleaning wipes with him whenever he has the kids, in case a toilet isn't up to scratch.
And he needs to start mapping out which locations have big family / baby change toilets available.

He should not be going into the ladies.

I would suggest that you give DH the following advice, he is not entitled to use the Ladies, but his daughters are. IF there is no queue and it feels appropriate to the situation he could knock and explain himself to the women present. IF they agree he can wait in the corridor but hold the door open possibly so that he can see and speak to the girls. But not use the ladies loos himself, it's on him to explain his presence and behaviour but assisting 3 year olds, is a pretty good justification in my book and its ok by invitation only as it were.

I completely agree with previous posters (on other threads) that it isn't for any woman to give away ss spaces others rely on. But in these circumstances I personally would not object

Yes ideally there should be family loos. Yes men should campaign for that. But in the here and now, kids need to pee, no one is perving on anyone in a public loo, for goodness sake there are bigger things to worry about than boogeymen pervs in toilets

There are bigger things to worry about about than three year old twins - shock, horror, gasp - being taken by their father into the men’s toilets.

I’d also second the planning ahead.

It shows a respect for women and their privacy if he did his homework.

Some groups have to plan ahead, there is a whole website for adult changing bathrooms as some need this and life can be much trickier if you do. They campaign for suitable spaces. We could learn a bit! www.changing-places.org

Judging by the comments on this thread, what we all ought to be campaigning for, then, is that the current offering (ratio of women's to men's) of toilets needs to be changed, and that there should be 3 times as many women's toilets so that:
a) men with young daughters
b) men with young sons
c) women with young daughters
d) women with young sons
e) women
f) people who identify as women

can all use the toilets without waiting an age? and leave the men's to anyone who can stand the mess/stench. And definitely not use the accessible toilets (I agree that these should be left for people who need them)

Accessible toilets means accessible to people who have disabilities which mean they can’t access any of the other toilets. It doesn’t mean that one cubicle is a free for all!

This always strikes me as a very illogical argument that often comes up when discussing loos.

Anyone who is disabled cannot expect the loo for disabled to be free all of the time. Another disabled person might be in it!

But no, a man with young girls should not be using the loo himself or going into them.

There are plenty of 'unisex/ family ' loos around in most cafes- Greggs, Cafe Nero, Costa, McDonalds, supermarkets, etc.

He needs to plan his route and be aware of the nearest loos.

He immediately came out and used the ladies

Sorry but NO. He's not allowed in the Ladies because he is a man.

Men cant go in the Ladies, what does he not understand ?

Yeah, this is why I push small children out of my DC's way when we're waiting in line at a theme park or for the slide or swing in the playground. I encourage them to do the same. Because my DC's interests always come first.

Ffs do people really think like this 🙄! And are you happy with other parents trampling over your DC's interests in return?

also - ffs - men should start getting on to businesses about the state of their toilets.

Sorry, but fixing this for you as your summing-up in no way represents general consensus and it's a bit irritating that you're doing that:

it isn’t OK to just use the women’s without trying to find every other option, including going specifically to another toilet to find a single unisex one.

if it is absolutely necessary and there is no other bathroom anywhere, then he has to understand that if he uses the women’s bathrooms he is compromising the privacy, dignity of women in there and making them feel unsafe

What do men care about compromising the privacy and dignity of women if he will use their safe space?

This bit not aimed at you but I can't believe the short-sightedness of some of the female posters on this thread.

If you allow ONE man in, they will ALL come in. What is to stop them? Just because your Nigel may be a good'un, that doesn't mean that all of his cohort are. Kindly stop giving away women's safe spaces, it isn't within your gift to do that.