Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

Telling OP she’s beyond help is just unhelpful. There are clearly some different cultural expectations going on here.
OP, would you like to work? You’ve said you have make-up skills and used to do bridal makeup? Perhaps that’s a good start. When do weddings normally happen? At weekends? Would your husband or a friend or family member (a sister? A sister in law?) watch your kids while you worked sometimes? Do you know anyone else who works in this area? Could you team up? A friend (with a car!) does bridal hair, you do the make up, you split the cost of petrol used to get to the venue, friend picks you up/drops you back either at home or at a convenient bus or train stop.
I do think being able to drive might be the key here. Could you take lessons? Would your husband consider teaching you? Do you have any money of your own you could use for this if your husband says there is none in the family budget?
I was going to suggest child minding as something to look into if you enjoy looking after young children and are prepared to spend time getting qualified and registered, but if the school is two bus rides away and your daughter has a lot of medical appointments it’s probably a non-starter.
Could you cook every second day but make enough for 2 days worth of meals? And are there any quicker meals in your preferred style that you could make on days where you don’t have 3 hours spare?

I would consider getting a job yourself

you also don’t allude to if your DH even has much money left after paying for all the essentials. It certainly doesn’t sound like he is frittering it away on himself so it could be worse.

There are so many things you could cook fresh that don't take hours - Google is your friend here.

Yes, your husband is financially abusive - but you also have to start fighting your own corner. Are you claiming child benefit and is this in your name? Do you have full access to family money?

Why does your husband think your DC will need tutors for GCSEs and A levels? Most children don't.

30 minutes meal. their is no way to make the meals in 30 minutes!*
i wrote we use fresh ingredients and can take 2-3 hours to cook!

What on earth are you cooking? I use fresh ingredients but it's beyond rare for me to make a meal that takes 2-3 hours.

The OP needs empowering not telling she's a lazy fecker.

I agree. That was a lovely post @BarbaraofSeville. I agree with every point you have made.

30 minutes meal. their is no way to make the meals in 30 minutes! I wrote we use fresh ingredients and can take 2-3 hours to cook! what meals are these in 30 minutes.

What are you cooking that takes 2 – 3 hours? We eat a wide variety of cuisines, and eat a lot of Asian food. Unless I am cooking a lamb curry for example meals don’t take that long. I also use fresh ingredients. Batch cooking is a good idea. I often make twice as or three times as much of a dish then freeze some. Bolognese sauce, various Indian dishes, casseroles etc all freeze well.
I bet your food tastes great though.

It’s obvious that cultural issues are at play here, and too many posters don’t seem to be able to see that. The expression “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” comes to mind here. I absolutely believe that the husband here won’t lift a finger to help the OP.

Why did you make the thread when you're clearly willing to put up with this and do nothing about it? Do you actually want to change or what?

Sorry op, but that’s an absolute load of bollocks. You sound like you’re looking down at people who manage to cook healthy, nutritious meals in minutes. Sounds like you could do with a cookery course as well as everything else. Refusing to get a job because you ‘need’ to cook a 3 hour meal is completely ridiculous. I follow the ten minute meal recipes when I’m pushed for time. They’re all made with completely fresh ingredients and literally take 10 minutes, never mind 30. Here’s what I’ve chosen for next week, and there’s literally hundreds of ten minutes recipes on this one site

I agree entirely.

If both partners agree that one partner should be a SAHP and do most of the house/kid stuff, the SAHP needs access to money. What is reasonable will depend on the family budget, but not having access to any money whatsoever is financial abuse.

It's different if actually circumstances mean that one parent ends up as a SAHP and the other parent would prefer to share the breadwinning role. In that case, a sensible discussion needs to be had around job-hunting and around splitting chores and childcare once the SAHP goes back to work.

Too many women go back to work after mat leave/a period as a SAHP and end up both working and still doing everything for the kids and house. It's easy to assume that their partner 'will' step up because that would be the 'fair' thing to do, but some men don't care about fairness in their relationships and are perfectly happy just to work and then come home and expect to be waited on hand and foot. If the OP is married to someone like this, they're not going to take kindly to being expected to do more at home.

I have a child with a disability and I work part time during school hours. I still have time to cook, clean and do general household chores as well as my job. My salary pays for tuition, after school clubs and holidays.

You need to reset your thinking and work part time whilst the kids are at school. You're very unreasonable to expect your husband to pay for everything. You don't need to go to university to get a job either. You could use your beauty skills to be a mobile beauty therapist. Or you could return to college in Sept and retrain for another job.

Of course you can make perfectly good meals in 30 minutes.

Stir fry
Fajitas
Omelettes
Most cuts of meat like chicken, pork chop, loin steak, burgers take 25-30 minutes in the oven or 15 mins in the grill. You can serve them with corn on the cob, steamed veg, boiled potatoes, rice, roasted broccoli and cauliflower
Pasta bake with tomato sauce and a load of chopped up veg and seasoning
Most fish fillets only take a few minutes to pan fry or can be wrapped in baking paper/foil and oven baked in 30 minutes

You can batch cook dishes that need to simmer for hours and cool and freeze them so they just need to be defrosted and warmed through.

You're making excuses, thin excuses.

If you don't have the budget for holidays then you will have to use the vast amount of time that you have to think of activities for your kids during the summer. Camping in the garden, picnics, day trips to local nature spots or museums, make homemade icecream and have a sundae bar, have them help to repaint their rooms, create blanket forts, have crafting competitions.......

It's shocking someone considering financial abuse a man who wants to pay the important stuff and save for the kid's future education.
Sorry it's more financial abuse to expect all the extras without sacrificing your own confort.
I work, many women work, I have children and yes, it was a nightmare with childcare in the past. But you need to do what you need to do in order to have money and independence.

OP you need to work. Weekends sounds perfect in your situation. There are plenty of jobs in the UK. No need for degrees.

You will have all the money for all those extras you like. And you husband will keep saving for a rainy day and the kid's future. Problem solved.

What a nasty post.
Clearly the OP is married to someone from a misogynistic culture, so she will get zero support with childcare, household chores and cooking. She can't make her husband do these things, so essentially she is trapped.

The easiest thing for her to change is spending 2 to 3 hours cooking a day.

Look around for free activities going on locally in school holidays, council often run them, also make a list of things that are free to do: park, museum, walk in the country,
Will do you and the dc good to get out and you may meet other people in a similar position, you can take food and drink from home to eat.

If he earns 25k he has a point. If 50k then he is abusive and tight.

Could you have a discussion with your husband along the lines of its clear he is concerned about cost of living and thats valid and you would like to take the pressure off by finding a job too, but we need to discuss childcare and chore arrangements, as if youre both working, then you wont be able to take on all that responsibility.
If he doesnt want to or cant take childcare or flexible working,which are obstacles to you, then he at the very least needs to make sure his family doesnt go short. He needs to pick one. He cant keep you home as some sort of house-elf while he does nothing and keeps you poor. Thats no way to live

is your husband taking any holiday?
and how does he spend his time then?

Western people's dhal / daal and people from the country where that food is native are not to the same standard.

No self respecting Indian would cook a decent dhal / daal in 15 minutes.

The OP seems from a culture where food is cooked from scratch and made properly with spices not the bland recipes you see on TV when eastern food is marketed to westerners.

However, OP I understand you want decent native food for your family everyday without compromising the ingredients and the way it's cooked etc
However, if you want to get a job you can't do this everyday.

You will have to have nice food on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.

What you make on Sunday make extra and eat on Monday.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - one day make do with western food.
The other 2 days cook as soon as you get in from work.

Get a dishwasher.

Only do your washing on the weekends.
Friday night on a timer to go on washing line on Saturday morning, a couple more loads on Saturday.
Iron on Sundays - get your kids to iron if they are old enough - get a hand held steamer iron thing.

I'm giving you my grandparents routine as you sound like a first generation immigrant or your house set up does as you mention your husband is from another country, a poor one.

Also, your kids should be ashamed laughing at their dad for driving an old car better than being one of those clowns that don't even own their own cars and drive flashy ones and are in debt.

During the holidays your kids can learn about your won culture they won't be learning that at school.
They can make sure their mathematics and science knowledge is strong so you don't need to waste money on tuition etc
They can play football, tennis in the park.

Bottom line you don't work - one income families in the UK where people are in the bottom, lower to middle classes of society can't have everything.

Sounds like your dh is doing well for the kids, it's a choice for you to spend all day cooking and cleaning or earn extra cash to treat the kids.

I work full time, I sometimes take time off to take my kids to appointments - one need regular apointments. Work most likely will let you get your kids from school if needed.

1. Get a part time job. You could do a few evenings bar work or waitress. They are always advertising for staff. You DH is home so children will be ok.
2. Claim child benefit and use it to treat kids to days out, swimming etc.
3. Tell DH you need an allowance for spending on DC.

How much does he earn? Do you even know?

You have skills in make up..use those skills whilst children are at school.

Maybe give make up lessons too. charge a reasonable rate and make money that way.

Even if he earns £50k if the op and her family live in London it's still not a huge salary.

How old are your children op?

I’m guessing he’s very stingy with you?
im guessing that money issues aside, the marriage is pretty crap anyway?

I think because of the Op's cultural background, she might not be comfortable working in a bar.

I'm guessing there is a cultural issue here too.

Op you need to get a job. You're not his slave. No one needs to spend two to three hours cooking the family meal because you use fresh ingredients.

I use fresh ingredients, work full time and have two kids. As do many many people in the real world.