Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

For crying out loud. She’s not looking for recipes.

You've previously worked doing bridal make up. That's a perfect job to do on some weekends.

And he can parent and feed his own children while you're there.

If you can read, you can cook. And with an office job he can presumably read. So he can follow a simple recipe.

No, it won't be one that takes 2-3 hours, but it can still be made from fresh, healthy ingredients and be an easy recipe. There are countless ones online.

It's difficult to say because he's the only one earning. He may not be paid alot and may not have much left over, to afford meals out/day trips. I say this because my dad was in the same position, we were quite poor and couldn't go anywhere or eat out. He wasn't tight, just didn't have much after all the bills were paid. He had to work overtime to pay for repairs to the house/car. If my mum had got a part time job, that could have covered extras. But she didnt, even when we left school. Even when we left home. Could you take on an ironing job? Or cleaning during school hours? However if he is a high earner with loads of money in the bank, after bills then you are not being unreasonable.

Normally you have an equal partner who does one of the drop offs or collections, cooks for half the time and you both pay for childcare. Every working family manages it.

Your 1940s tradwife setup has left you miserable and vulnerable. That's what happens. It's not sustainable and leaves you at the mercy of a selfish man.

I would try and get a job working in a supermarket in the evenings, or weekends. He is taking the piss if he says he can't look after the children when he gets home because he is tired. Tell him you are tired as well buy as an adult he just has to deal with it. I am guessing, I must admit I am assuming here, that you wake up in the morning, make his breakfast, sort his clothes out to wear and make his tea/coffee etc in addition to this grand family meal you prepare every evening. You can start by telling him to do his own breakfast and help make the children's breakfast while he is at it. He needs to change his mindset and realise you are equal partners in this marriage Explain to your husband that the children are missing out and they only have one childhood. Explain to him that all the people you know are taking their children out during the holidays and you don't want your children to miss out, and if he doesn't want to spend money, then you will get a part time job to fund their activities/days out. Can you do a bit of childminding if you can't find a job in a supermarket? For the sakes of your children, get a job. I think you have hit a mental block of some sort when it comes to thinking about getting work. You are worrying too much about the what if. When it comes to thinking about you working you are worrying about everything a single parent has to worry about . What if you were, God forbid, made a single mother, what would you do then? Millions of people, including single parents have to work around these what ifs you are worrying about. You will just make it work- like millions do. Also, when one migrates to another country, along with the perks of living in another country (like financial stability , better lifestyle etc) one has to adapt to a certain lifestyle that helps you gain that financial stability etc. You can't be cooking 2-3 hours meals for your husband like you/he would have done back home. You don't live back home, you are living in the UK and the bills are increasing and he is being a twat. You can't seem to think out of the box , in fact, you can't seem to think outside the four walls of your kitchen and it's not a very good example for your daughter. Not only are your children missing out, you are missing out on creating memories with them outside the four walls of your kitchen. Please get a part time job even if only a few hours in the evenings. Your husband will have to put his paper and tiredness to one side and step up and look after his children while you contribute to the family finances and gain some level of financial independence.

It’s also depressing to hear that in 2022, some FATHERS think they should have to do less than a single, childless person - go to work, pay the bills, and the little skivvy at home will do everything else.

You could get a remote admin job, there's plenty of those available so you can still be at home for emergencies. You also need to learn to drive, that will make your life a lot easier.

You need to get a job, use some after school clubs etc although how old are dc? If ds is old enough to be embarrassed about a car then is he old enough to walk himself home and be in for an hour? Alternatively, like me, get a job during school hours. My job as a TA gives some time for special family absence like appointments and of course dh can do half too so you're not doing it all. Spending 3 hours each day in the kitchen is a luxury nit afforded to most families in 2022. Make ahead of time and re heat or just change diet a bit. In the week we eat things like jacket potatoes, pasta bakes, tray bakes with say seasons chicken, veg and potatoes which cooks in about half an hour - all fresh ingredients bar maybe the beans on the jacket pot. Of course if your dh isn't happy with any of these changes then he'll need to give you access to the family money because you do need some and experiences are important educationally and developmentally too. Can your dc swim for example or will he not pay for lessons. No good paying for tutors for miserable dc with no life experience as academic performance isn't everything needed to live a fulfilled life

kidney beans, chickpeas take 2-3 hours to soften before they are cooked in stew. spinach has to be washed as its full of sand, then dried, cut sliced. all very time consuming process.
then also the accompanying roti and salads and all the cleaning involved as it creates a big mess can take. also you have to watch the pot to avoid being overdone. i made yogurt curry yesterday and it involved 45 minutes just to stir it to make sure the yogurt doesnt curdle. otherwise all the oil and ingredients can get wasted.
the other food my family or I won't like. three children all under 10. the eldest has pasta and sauce for school meals but i dont like. Sometimes i make fish and chips homemade takes 1-2 hours to prepare but only sometimes like a sunday.
then i havent added in time to clean and wash these pots!

It doesn’t sound like op wants to work and she doesn’t want to spend less time cooking. So the issue for her is how her husband spends the money he earns.

then i havent added in time to clean and wash these pots!

Why can't your husband do the washing up if you've spent 2-3 hours cooking for the entire family?

I'm sure his penis isn't so overwhelmingly big that it would get in the way of him rolling his sleeves up and washing everything up..,

Has he always been like this? Do you usually go on holiday? Or is it just recently. There's lot's of free activities going on over the holidays in our area. Have a look on social media.

I cook from scratch it doesn't take 2-3 hour's to cook. 45 min's-1 hour if I prep in the slow cooker it's ready when we get home. I always have fish in. That's quick to do on the hob with some potatoes in air fryer and some veg can be ready in 20 mins.

What about working from home? You said you have makeup skills. I know someone who has her salon in her front room and one of her children is disabled. She is very popular though and people are prepared to travel to her rather than her going to see them.

then who will drop children at school, collect them and make the family meal. also sometimes children get sick and stay home or school calls if they get ill.
thats why i cannot work. also i have'nt studied at university

Lots of Mums work and use after school club.

You can prepare fresh meals in 20 mins. Lots of us do this. You're prioritising meal preparation over working.

I agree with some of his values. We both work but have little spare cash. Husband has clothes from his brother sometimes. Both our cars are old. We use things until they don't work any more - it's better for the environment than changing things all the time.

You could do weekend work doing make up or get a job in the week and use after school club. You don't need a degree for many jobs - shop work, cleaning, cafe or restaurant work serving tables, there's lots you could do. Even if you earned £100 a week that would be your fun money.

You can buy tinned beans/peas or soak them before you go out. it can't be that all term time jobs are always full. Between midday supervisors, dinners ladies, TA's and school cleaners there are usually 20+ jobs being advertised at any one time in my local area. Im a single parent, imagine if I was refusing to work and turning up at my job centre meetings saying sorry I can't work as I have to cook. Would be ridiculous wouldn't it?! .

education is very important. without good grades they wont get into a good university degree course and eventually a job.
how can you get a good job without education.
so his plan he said is to save and when they start secondary school tutorship programme and they are not cheap.

I am starting to feel sympathy for husband

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like changing your cooking routine is 'won't', not 'can't'. If you won't even consider trying other recipes then you all need to get over your fussy eating habits. There are plenty of healthy fresh meals that can be made quickly, but you do have to look outside your comfort zone for them and try different things.

And it doesn't matter if jobs are min wage. That's £9.50 now which is rubbish if that's all you have to survive on but for extra spends to give your dc some experiences is fine

Get your kids to wash up. That’s a valuable lesson. Your husband, although he works, can do it too. You are making up excuses.

My sauces sometimes curdle always have some white vinegar and eggs in which saughts the sauce out and tastes delicious.

Op get your children to help. Your not going to cha ge your DH overnight but you can make a difference to the next generation.

Job doesn't need to be full-time but just a few hours a day, to give you some independence and rebuild your confidence. Which in turn will help rebalance the relationship.

She’s literally asked what on earth people are cooking that only takes 30 minutes. So she’s been given examples. I guess it comes down to priorities. Does she prioritise 3 hour meals every day, or her children having a nice childhood? I don’t know why so many people are calling the dad abusive. He’s paying for literally everything while his wife sits at home coming up with every excuse in the book not to work. And not only does he have the pressure of being 100% financially responsible for absolutely everything, he’s got his wife and kids taking the piss out of the car he drives. The op and her children sound lazy and unkind imo. If the op wants to be chauffeured around in a nicer car then she can get a job and contribute. Jobs I’ve worked around my oh job/kids-
2 hours a day cleaning. Adds up a fair amount every month.
8-12 hour night shifts in either a confectionery factory, or a parcel factory over Xmas for extra money.
My oh is now working away and I’m 100% responsible for the childcare, but I’m working more than ever doing agency work as a community carer. I literally get to pick my hours every week. Through term time I used breakfast and after school clubs and worked 42 hours through the week. Now it’s the holidays they’re in a shorter summer camp so I’m down to 25 hours a week. I’m still bloody working though!

kidney beans, chickpeas take 2-3 hours to soften before they are cooked in stew.

Just use tinned ones - or soften overnight? You're definitely making a big deal out of the evening meal.

There are so many easy meals you can cook from scratch. You're making restaurant style meals during the week.

The children would probably rather have beans on toast or some pasta and actually get out of the house occasionally.

You also need to learn to drive otherwise you're limited as to where you can work or take the children.

education is very important. without good grades they wont get into a good university degree course and eventually a job.

Formal education is part of it but it takes more than that to create a well rounded, happy and successful individual. Life experiences are as I already said hugely beneficial and important for this. You've not answered how old your DC are yet?

Each time you post I have less and less sympathy OP.

You are being deliberately obtuse and obviously could buy tinned beans. Even making homemade chips as part of fish and chips would not take 2 hours!

Your opening post talked about how your husband bought clothes for the kids from primary with disgust. And you seem to think in the holidays he should be taking them out but you are the SAHP?

Sorry but if you won't make any adjustments in order to get a job or attempt to understand your ACTUAL family financial situation then you cut your cloth accordingly which it sounds like your DH is doing.