Husband is really stingy and doesn't take children anywhere

[cantrememberwho]

my husband doesn't like spending money on anything but essential items. he brings in food, pays bills, mortgage and then says "i've done my responsibiliy". I don't have a job as i look after the house and children.

he NEVER takes the children or anywhere like a restaurant or any play activity. he says the cost of living has increased too much. I know this is the case but how do other people go holidays and buy nice things. He drives a really old car and my son is embarrassed if he drops him off at school. he also wears old clothes and sometimes his brother drops of his clothes before throwing them in charity bin.
My husband has that motto if it works keep using it until it dies.
i think the reason was his own parents grew in poverty in their country and passed this to my husband. also he buys primark and donation from relatives for clothes for children. (apart from school clothes he gets)

it cant be good for children if they stay home every holiday and never go anywhere. he says even train fare or fuel cost to seaside will be too much for him. now six week they will be home driving me mad especially when it was really hot this week. He goes to work, sits eats the dinner i make him and then watches TV and buries his head in a newspaper and falls asleep on sofa.

what could be done to make him spend some of the money. he claims its for the childrens future like weddings and tuition money.

@cantrememberwho

Why do you have to do the (2-3 hour!) cooking and the washing up?

Why can't your husband do the latter?

Oh come on, unless you have 10 children you can easily get a job. Its good for you anyway to have some independence.
I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner was a SAHP while my kids were at school and refused to get a job.
I had to pay everything and do everything as a single mum.
I worked full time, managed to buy a house and neither of us were ever ill.
No reason why you can't do some night shifts at the weekend or during the week. It doesn't have to be consecutive nights, you can sleep while the kids are at school or at the weekend when he is at home.
They pay well too. i did nights for 10 years while DS was young. You need to start pulling your weight with a job now.
The days of stay at home mums are over.

• here are some of the food i cook. As you can see they are very tasty! but time consuming. My children, husband all of us enjoy these very much. we make big effort to eat together on dining room table each evening. I believe family eating together is the best thing.

chefonrhine.com/home/moti-pilaf-basmati-with-edible-pearls/*

Are you having a laugh? Even that recipe says to cook stuff in advance to save time. It doesn't take 3 hours.

You need to be willing to compromise as a family too. Quicker meals during the week and these at weekends. Many families do this.
You can’t have everything, and I genuinely believe every family can stretch to a day out or kids activity if they cut back elsewhere - do you know what your family finances are? Do you get child benefit for your pension contributions?

2 hours to cook fish and chips? 🤔

Have you not read the link you sent OP?

Because it says what we've all been saying re prep stuff before / batch it.

It literally says "in the end it becomes more like a one pot meal that can be thrown together in no time."

From your link:

The koftas and stock can be made ahead of time or even the day before.
Also the carrots can be caramelized a day before so in the end it becomes more like a one pot meal that can be thrown together in no time.
What Steps are Involved?
• Preparing the stock: with soup bones, water and spices. Adding a carrot, onion, ginger and garlic enriches the flavor. You can use ready made bouillon cubes too to save time.
• Koftas: can be made several days ahead of time and stored in the freezer. Make sure you roll them into smooth crack-free balls that dont break while frying. The best way to do that is dipping your hands in water before rolling each meatball.
• Caramelizing the carrots: takes few minutes but these too can be prepared ahead of time and kept in refrigerator.

You can't expect your husband to change 100% without you putting yourself out there and making sacrifices yourself. You can't ask him to cough up more money , especially if he doesn't earn a lot, without you being willing to do something to better your financial circumstances. Unless your husband is loaded, then either step up and offer to help or stop moaning. Can I just say though, if you are not willing to step up and help better your family finances then you only have yourself to blame for your children not going out like the other children do, you can't totally blame your husband, you are to blame to.

You don't have to cook time consuming meals to eat around a table as a family! Save that for the weekend.

You are choosing to spend hours washing spinach or whatever instead of earning some money to assist your kids’ enjoyment of their lives.
ironically you are also a poor example of the importance of getting a job- you say education and job are so important but you don’t even try to have one!
you are making excuses as you don’t want to work

your husband in his embarrassing car is doing drop off to school- so this ‘who would do drop off’ is also another nonsense excuse not not provide for your children

I still cannot understand how you cannot work and keep saying I remain at home to cook the meals and do school runs? Thats absolutely silly. I was single parent and managed a job with shifts, ad childcare, which cost a lot but I held on to my job. Why are you deliberately not looking for job especially when he is so controlling and financially abusive

I think the first thing you need to know and understand is how much money there is saved and what the family budget is....do you know how much your husband earns? You can't judge whether your husband is right or not until you know that. Does he give you money to spend for yourself? Do you have access to money for food and other household expenses? Who pays the utility bills and how much are they? Does he send money to support other family members?Nobody can give you advice until we understand what the situation is and you can't decide what to do until you understand what the situation is.

This!! Absolutely this!!

You and your husband.

He has a responsibility to do this too.

You have the right to get a job. If he is saying you can not get one, because its your responsibililty not his, he is demonstrating just how controlling he is.

You have an unhealthy relationship given your automatic thought is that you can't because your husband won't step up.

Its not as if he's spending money on his hobbies and going out in the evening is it?

What would your husband think of you working?

Your posts are all about excuses op and no you don't need to spend 2-3 hours making any meals unless thats an excuse you have also told your husband as a reason you can't work. I also like my home to be clean and tidy but I also have bills to pay so I work as well and cook every night as I am home before my partner.

I don't understand some of your comments to be honest - you complain your husband is stingy but then that education is really important and so the kids will need tutors. That's cool if you want to use tutors. But there isnt an endless pool of money so if you guys have decided to put money aside for tutors etc then you maybe can't have a new car that doesn't embarrass your children or go on lots of trips.

OP I’m rather sorry you didn’t go to university - because there you would have learned that people have to adapt in order to thrive.

You do not have to stick rigidly to the time consuming meals you are accustomed to. You talk of financial planning for your children’s education, but what about their social education, which is also your responsibility? It will be very socially awkward for them, growing up, if they will only eat one type of meal. It’s not good enough to say “They wouldn’t like” this or that.

It’s also not good for them to see you tied to the kitchen out of (forgive me) stubbornness.

You need more family income to have the lifestyle you want. And you need to learn to drive and have access to a car - so that going to and from your children’s school is less arduous. Finding a job will help with all of this.

You can improve your life - but you need to be much more willing to make changes yourself.

You are not willing to help your situation.

You can't be helped.

Have not read the thread but regarding the 2 hours you now have for cooking dinner - you can get a Slow Cooker that makes lovely dishes with all fresh food and uses little electric . Also Air Fryers cook in 15 - 30 mins max. in most cases.
Neither are expensive and are on Amazon.

My husband and I manage all this between us with both of us working. That's what breakfast and after school and holiday clubs are for.

It would be worth doing some training to get into a job that will pay you more long term. Tell him you are thinking of your financial future. He can pay the childcare cost so that he doesn't have to be sole bread winner.

SAHM is a luxury few can afford. I dont think i know any SAHM to school aged kids and no these people dont gave degrees either. No wonder you can't afford other things as a family like holidays or new cars.

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. You need to get a job. Or stop moaning about having no money.

From the link she's posted it looks like they are spending quite a bit of money on ingredients. So there's some savings that could be made there.

OP are you from India? Get tinned chickpeas and baby leaf spinach, no soaking and no chopping
I make a yoghurt sauce too. It takes 4 mins. I am attaching a link here
Kids and hubby are bound to love it!
I make koftas on a sunday Along with gravy, one tomato based and one with cashews. I freeze everything. Takes me 3 hours for 12 portions. I also make various vegetables at the same time and save 3 portions for the week and freeze the rest. You can do it. Stop making excuses!! If you dont have a degree, start cleaning, gardening or care sector are always looking for people. Ask around in local shops? Or better still. start sudying and stop watching a pot boil for 3 hours. You only have yourself to blame.

On sunday i might make fish and chips and according to you takes less than an hour. then what do they all eat Sunday evening.
so after making this i wash up and then prepare the evening meal of curries. my husband gets the food i write on shopping list and i cook it takes about 2-3 hours sunday evening. then as will know. Ironing school uniform, taking washing out, cleaning bathroom, hoovering as children make mess.
little time do i get energy to work let alone time

OP, I have two DDs. I am also a single parent and have been for some time. My DDs have never had tutoring - they;ve just always worked hard at school. They've got excellent GCSEs and A levels. DD1 graduated this week, DD2 is studying a STEM subject at a top rated uni for her course. Your husband needs to know that tutoring isn't essential.

On the cooking front it really does sound like you are looking for excuses. Dried soaked beans are not superior to tinned in terms of nutritional value. Soaking can be done overnight. Slow cookers are your friend. You are not working efficiently.