Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Is there any way the ex can move in with you short term so you can care for the baby together?

Because he’s expecting you to be shared care when he’s the parent?? You do realise that this is what almost all single mothers do?? Also your daughter is right - this isn’t what she signed up for - she signed up with a partner to be a family. I’m not surprised she’s struggling - he sounds like he’s not supporting her and now he wants custody?

You need to focus on helping your daughter recover, he’s got way too much airtime in your post imo.

She needs your support and to see her GP Xx

Okay so:

She was doing well before the split and no concerns over her bond with baby or ability to parent- seemed to enjoy it

She has a brain injury which changed her and causes her to struggle still

She's been through a major life change (the split) which has possibly/probably aggravated her brain injury

She needs help by the sound of it, and not you and her ex sorting out who has baby when between yourselves. Cripes.

I agree with this.

I can only imagine how stressed I would have been to become a single parent at that age. I understand he's in a "got to cope" situation but I don't think making a single potentially naïve suggestion should be held against him.

I think it's worth remembering that some single mothers, especially those who are young and insecure employment massively struggle to get their work to cope with it - and end up out of work, struggling or failing to make ends meet. Combine that with the current situation with inflation etc and I'd be terrified of ending up destitute. That applies to both a single mother and a single father.

I think the idea of calling her GP for her to see if they can get her into the surgery is a good idea, or her health visitor. I'd also second the comments to assess whether you think she's looking after her baby safely when she does have him.

I can see how tough things must be for you currently OP: it sounds like a scary and exhausting situation for everyone involved.

I don't think your DD's ex is behaving badly. He seems to be trying to find a way through a sad situation.

I had severe PNDD and yes, I think your daughter needs help. If you can keep the baby safe and thriving while she gets help, you will be doing her an unimaginable kindness. I was lucky BTW and got help/didn't have anyone to hand the baby to. It was torture to have him before that though. I hated myself so much and felt like the world's greatest failure. I was sure I couldn't look after him. The defensive comments and behaviour are just that.

The way forward - if your daughter can - is probably a combination of medical care and gradually increasing her confidence till she can bond.

Oh heavens!

beciase he is the parent in all this not you!

we expect so little from men on this society.

lots of single parents work full time. They sue day care!

he is ridiculous and you are enabling him.

I am sorry your daughter is having such a rough time. But her ex incredibly sexist - and you are totally enabling him!!

It's shocking because just picture him being a single mother.

Does she have the choice of saying "I need to work so can't have my child?"

No, she finds childcare, alters her work, does what she needs to do.

I'm a single parent and had to change jobs, I didn't say "I need to work so the kids can live with their grandparents."

DD is clearly having mental health issues and is currently incapable, so her ex needs to step up.

You need to get her to the doctor and contact social services to safeguard the baby op I'm sorry you are going through this

Beciase he isn’t stepping up.

the mother is going through something. The father isn’t willing to take on his own child full time.

Neither Parent seems to understand they are responsible for this baby.

how many mums suggest a grandmother takes 50% custody when the dad walks out? Very few!

That would be fine if he had his own roof over his head. But he's living with dysfunctional parents who can't even look.after their dogs. That's simply not an environment in which to try to bring up a child. And frankly I'd be concerned about a baby living with those people.

I think that getting a meeting with all the agencies that can possibly help both young people and the baby is vital. At least find out what is available before making any decisions.

She’s not going to bond with the baby if she is hardly ever with him.

Though in all honesty, from what you have said about her being volatile and short tempered I would worry about the baby’s safety if he were with her. Physically and emotionally.

if she won’t seek help or support you and his father need to manage bringing this baby up. Child care fees are enormous and if he is on a low wage he probably simply can’t afford to work if paying for nursery. If his family is dysfunctional then you hardly want your dgs brought up there.
in your shoes, and as much as it sucks, I would prioritize helping with childcare to enable the father to keep working, hopefully progress at work and be able to rent somewhere. Hopefully as his income increases, and childcare decreases, and he gets a place of his own, he can start to take back more responsibility.

He sounds like a good dad who is trying to step up in a terrible situation. I’d support him. You dd is not a suitable option as a parent, and neither is his family suitable to grow up with. That only leaves the father. So support him to get to the place he needs to be.

Why doesn’t he dad move into the family home and your daughter move in with you?

you can then give your daughter the support she needs and the dad can be with his child 100%?

you can help with some childcare but he can step up and find other solutions too. See was he is entitled to as a single parent?

I don’t think 50-50 custody with a grandparent is necessary when one parent is apparently willing and able to parent. This might not be long term but it might be. He is the parent - just because he is man doesn’t mean he can’t take this on! Lots of women in their early twenties are single parents

Sounds like your dd needs some councilling or something.

Maybe sit down with the dad and talk through his options, he may not realise that he will be entitled to support with housing and childcare and is just worried about his living arrangements which don't sound ideal and finances.

Talk about how much support you are willing to give, are you happy having baby 3 times a week?

Do you and the ex have the baby over night as well?

Millions of single parents work full time on a low wage, and claim UC to pay for childcare, plus child element, housing benefit element etc. It’s not rocket science.

Id get DD to see a GP - brain injury + husband leaving shortly after birth = severe PND. I’d want that ruling out, or ruling in and her getting treatment.

Meanwhile, I’d hold fire on court.

And a young women who would take responsibility for her child 100% of the time (obviously with childcare help) in these circumstances would not repeatedly be called a good mum!

I haven't RTFT but I have read all of your posts, OP, and I still don't understand why you are being asked if you'll share custody of the baby? That is such an unusual arrangement that I think most parents wouldn't even think of. The baby has a mother and a father. Custody should be between them. Right now, the mother is saying that she can't cope with the baby. That is very sad and difficult, but the obvious course of action is that the father needs to take his baby full time. I find it very odd that he wouldn't automatically do this. Of course he works, but so do a lot of single parents. They use childcare services.

If you want to continue to be supportive and involved then, by all means, agree to have the baby on some of your days off if that's what you want to do, but this should be a casual agreement between you and the baby's parents, not an official court ordered custody arrangement.

Wouldn’t not would!

What the father needs is custody! Not a formal 50/50 with you!

What he then does for childcare is for him to sort out.

This may be you helping as much as you can.

How the hell does he think single mothers manage?

Your daughter should see her gp. This may be depression. It may also be genuinely that she does not want the baby.

It happens. We like to believe no woman doesn't want her child and even if it seems like she doesn't, it must surely be depression cos women =baby nurturers.

But that's just not true.

If she cannot or will not meet her baby's needs then it is in the child's best interests to be with people who can.

Hi there,
I think you have to stop thinking of your daughter as volatile and you as enabling her behaviour. I understand you don't like how she is acting but i think it sounds like she is massive struggling/depressed. She has had a brain injury (not her fault) and is now coping with being a single parent. She sounds like she is choosing not to bond with the baby because of her own mood/situation and pushing the baby (who he probably loves deeply) away. She may have feelings like the baby will be better without her. She needs support rather than court orders about the baby. Could you and her ex not talk to her together about some intensive support.

I do agree with the others about the dad and 50/50 - he is the parent for goodness sake not you.

@sjxoxo

”Not what she signed up for”? First of all we don’t know why they split. And his for him not supporting her? She sure as hell isn’t supporting him.

Cant believe people are sympathetic to her when she’s been far worse than him. Would never happen if OP had of posted their son didn’t want this baby.

Apalling double standard.

I mean, one view of this situation is as follows:

• couple decide to have baby and become pregnant
• all is well until shortly after baby arrives when the father decides to bail on the relationship
• the mother struggles - this isn’t what she signed up for, she doesn’t want to have a baby on her own and maybe she sees the baby as part of the relationship issues
• mother probably has underlying PND which is exacerbated by this turn of events
• mother spirals and relies on father and family to look after the child
• father decides custody of the child should be taken away from the mother who clearly needs help and time to work through her issues

it’s very hard to understand the dynamics of a relationship/breakdown from the sidelines. It’s possible he even orchestrated this. The best thing for that child is for his mother to get help and work out what part she wants to play in his future. So for now when he’s with you it’s because you’re standing in for her. If he wants custody he should get custody but I would fight it. You are providing support for when she can’t handle parenting, not when he can’t and that is a subtle but important difference.

Please get help for your daughter. I was just like this after DS arrived. He nearly died at birth, I hemorrhaged, then had PTSD and PND, and rejected him. I got the right medication and he’s now 5 and thriving and we adore the bones of each other.

If it is PND then a court order is absolutely the wrong thing. Luckily for you and DD I think a court would be highly unlikely to go along with ex’s suggestion. Suspect he’s trying to insure against being left holding the baby FT - it won’t work.

SHE HAS A BRAIN INJURY and what sounds like severe PND. Obviously she's not supporting him. FFS.

This is ridiculous. If the situation was reversed people on here would be calling for the mans blood.

The mother needs to 'step up'. You dont get the option of abandonment when you have children I'm afraid.

@Mellowyellow222

The ex is incredibly sexist and we expect so little of men and yet the mother who doesn’t want to care for her baby at all is just “having a rough time”