Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I don’t understand why they would be mad at him and not the mother who doesn’t want her baby at all. There is zero outrage directed at the mother (and there would be for a father who didn’t want his child) it is all reserved for father.

Regardless he is quite young and may think this is really his only chance to actually work and look after his baby. It may seem the only practical solution to him.

This has been devastating for your daughter losing her partner and being left to be a single parent. I think you should seek help from social services to see what your options are practically speaking. I dont think the arrangements your daughter wants are feasible in the long term unless you feel able to take over parental duties.

@NanaNelly

This. People are so eager to rip on this guy and not for some reason (sexism cough) the mother of the child they have forgotten he is young and may have no clue if he actually would get help and how he could afford to do it on his own. If he wasn’t male there would be far more suggestions of support or how to point him in the direction of services which could help him but no, he is a father so there is only anger at him.

The other thing is if he does put his child in childcare OP can kiss her relationship with her grandchild goodbye. Is it just possible that he actually appreciates OP and wants his grandson to have a relationship with at least one female family member? And wants her relationship with her grandchild to continue?

Why are the worst possible motives being ascribed to this young guy who is in a difficult situation?

@Tamzina You’re quite right! Hopefully OP and the baby’s father can come up with a workable solution which will give the daughter some time to get the help she needs once she asks for it. I’m surprised the HV and the GP have not mentioned anything yet to the daughter if she’s clearly struggling to cope on the one day she has her son.

I do agree with PPs in that the SS needs to be involved.

@Tamzina I don’t think there should be anger towards the father or the mother, but you’re right it doesn’t sit well with me either when some posters are assuming the worst of the father. I do hope the father will be able to get the help he needs as well because it looks like he will need it.

I agree. You need to reposition yourself. You are not your gsons parent but his grandma and friend to the ex and mother to the daughter.

He needs to organise housing for him and his child. Appropriate benefits. Childcare. He would likely recoup childcare costs if a low earner. Continue to offer support. With also working FT as a nurse you risk burning yourself into the ground here. Id offer 2 days a week childcare. 1 overnight per week to give him A break. And then with the few reserves you have left focus on getting your daughter well.

The bottom line is if you give everything to gs there is nothing left for DD who clearly needs help. She could end up resenting you.

Look after yourself

I would as well. In fact I recently went to court (where I live) and won weekly access to some of my grandchildren after one of my children used them as part of their sick games and their other parent was (also) falling short of what they deserved from their parents.

As it is Id have custody of them in a heartbeat but my age is well against me and all I can do is help them live the less than ideal life they have. Funny enough though I now have as much contact as I had with them prior to going to court because neither parent really enjoys the lack of free time that comes with being a single parent.

I don’t envy the choices the Op is going to have to make.

Motherhood isn’t for everyone unfortunately.

I do hope the father will be able to get the help he needs as well because it looks like he will need it

I suspect the father doesn’t know how much help would be available for him if he gets custody of the wee boy.

I'm uncomfortable with the sexist outrage towards the father too on here - cries of well us single mothers do it and how "shocking" his behaviour is. What's shocking is her grown ass woman of a daughter off sleeping with other men and partying her life away whilst everyone else steps up to look after her baby. The father has the child 3 days per week which is practically 50/50 already. He sounds like he's doing all he can - he hasn't disappeared off into the sunset like a lot of fathers do. He needs support and confidence to apply for full custody hopefully supported with ongoing childcare by the OP

I think people have latched on to certain wording in the OPs comments about sharing custody 50/50 - he has asked the OP to do what many of us do - if a GP can help out with childcare - nothing more.

I totally agree with this. He’ll either need to find a new job or find childcare that works…just like the rest of us. You’ve done your bit with your own kids and now your grandson. You can’t be expected to be the unpaid help forever.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but given that this young woman (for whatever reasons) is apparently sexually active and does not appear to be very good at making good choices in life, someone needs to encourage her to go on some kind of long-term birth control, like an implant.

Otherwise, she may end up pregnant again (holiday shag?) and then the OP will have even more shit to deal with.

@user1477391263

Easier said than done. If she didn’t care enough about the social pressure to keep her own child as it’s mother (which has got to be just about the biggest social pressure there is) then it’s going to be very hard to get her to act responsible in other ways.

She's got a brain injury, read up on it they can be devastating. Some people can muddle through but when big life changes happen they can't cope. It's easy to say stop being selfish to her but if the area of the brain that controls emotional regulation/ executive decision making is damaged, then that's easier said than done.

There was a documentary where a lady fell off a horse and sustained a brain injury. Her personality changed . She had 2 DC's and a loving DH. She couldn't cope with family life anymore so moved out into her own supported accommodation. She had no wish to be a wife or mother anymore that's not her fault. Brain injuries can be truly horrendous.

Your ref to being the unpaid help is what many many grandparents the world over do with love because it’s what the believe a grandparent does.

@NanaNelly

Its a bit off topic but most of those grandparents all over the world are in traditional societies and share most of the care with a present mother - they’re not filling the role of daycare providers with parents at work all day. It’s a MN fallacy that the two are equivalent to one another.

@dalmatianmad call DGS health visitor and explain you think she needs help she will be able to come out and assess in and appointment for DGS.
Please don't think badly of here, when she is well she will think bad. Enough of herself. At least she's admitted it so DGS will get cared for.
I the mean time the health visitor can refer DGS's father to an agency to support with looking into nursery funding UC top up etc x

It’s clear that your daughter can’t raise dgs at the moment , and that baby’s dad isn’t in an ideal position to do so if he’s living in his parents house and they are disfubctional.

In your position I would start by spending some time with baby’s dad providing him with some support to find housing, apply for benefits he’s entitled to, look at the work he does and his hours, discuss how childcare works, make sure as much as possible that he’s in a position to single parent effectively.

i would also work to get your daughter to engage with a medical professional of some sort about how she feels.

Only you can know how much hands on support you are willing to provide with dgs but in your position I think i would be limiting it a bit to encourage dad to step up a bit.

3 days a week childcare with one of those days an overnight stay would give dad support to work and have a break. He would then need to find 2 days paid childcare (or drop to part time/compress hours) and 2 days with child. But still remains in the parental role because child is going back to him each night and his house is their home.

i would think carefully about a pp suggestion that your daughter has little and often contact with you there to support a bit. Taking the pressure off might help her to bond....

goid luck. There aren’t easy answers here and I’d echo pp recommendations about contacting social services for advice.

You and the dad sound amazing and as you said the baby is settled. So sorry your DD isn't part of this.

She definitely sounds like she needs help.

The head injury is worrying here. Your daughter needs help now.
Can you go with her to the gp?

Please don’t blame yourself- it’s really not your fault.

In your opinion.

I do feel sorry for your DD as I had awful PND and really struggled with my baby too. But she has to stop burying her head in the sand.
She’s very lucky to have such a supportive mum.

I would not get involved legally at all just yet.
I would speak to your DD and her ex and say that THEY should do 50/50 custody.

If you are comfortable you could speak to the ex and say if he goes for residential custody (which I think he should) then DD can have the baby EOW and you’ll still do the 3 days childcare until they can get a free nursery place.
That way it shouldn’t mess up his working hours too much and he could even go PT as he’d be eligible for child benefit and maybe a UC top up.

You sound like an amazing grandparent and if DD was younger then I can see why you may go for 50/50 custody but I think in this situation the baby is better off with their dad.

It doesn't sound like PND to me, more like now she's not with her husband, she's had a taste of the single life again and she likes it. You can't switch depression on and off, if she's out on a jolly and having fun then she's not depressed! surely. I do appreciate though that her brain injury has changed her personality and it must be hard for her.

I think her ex has been unnecessarily slated on here. He sounds like he's trying to find a way to Keep working and look after the baby. He needs to take the baby full time and maybe you could just stick to the normal childcare you do and find a child minder for the other days he works.
I just hope your daughter isn't going to swan in and out of her sons life though as that will be massively unfair to the child.

A sad situation OP, I really hope you all manage to find a workable solution but honestly, don't tie yourself up in knots, put you first, don't be bull dozed into an arrangement that doesn't work for you.

Good morning everyone. Sorry didn't get chance to come back during the night, work was horrendous. I've just finished.
Will try and have a catch up.