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Original poster

Dd has rejected her Baby

517 replies

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:32

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 21/07/2022 08:01

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 07:59

This is ridiculous. If the situation was reversed people on here would be calling for the mans blood.

The mother needs to 'step up'. You dont get the option of abandonment when you have children I'm afraid.

Tell that to the countless men who walk away from their children without a backward glance and do everything in their power to avoid paying a penny to feed them

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 08:01

The way it goes from 'must judge the poor lamb' about the woman involved to tearing into a man having to make an impossible financial decision would be comedy if it wasnt so ridiculous

Tamzina · 21/07/2022 08:01

georgarina · 21/07/2022 07:34

It's shocking because just picture him being a single mother.

Does she have the choice of saying "I need to work so can't have my child?"

No, she finds childcare, alters her work, does what she needs to do.

I'm a single parent and had to change jobs, I didn't say "I need to work so the kids can live with their grandparents."

DD is clearly having mental health issues and is currently incapable, so her ex needs to step up.

Show quote history

@georgarina

Acrually many young swingle mothers do have grandparents looking after their children a lot of the time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Icedbannoffee · 21/07/2022 08:03

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 07:59

This is ridiculous. If the situation was reversed people on here would be calling for the mans blood.

The mother needs to 'step up'. You dont get the option of abandonment when you have children I'm afraid.

She's evidently not well. Why aren't the people in her life doing everything they can to secure some help for her? Telling her to 'step up' is pointless- she has a brain injury and is obviously struggling.

Tamzina · 21/07/2022 08:03

Mellowyellow222 · 21/07/2022 07:37

Beciase he isn’t stepping up.

the mother is going through something. The father isn’t willing to take on his own child full time.

Neither Parent seems to understand they are responsible for this baby.

how many mums suggest a grandmother takes 50% custody when the dad walks out? Very few!

Show quote history

@Mellowyellow222

The mother isn’t stepping up in a much worse way, yet only sympathy. Grandmothers take on a lot of care for children from young single mothers - usually the mothers own parents but he many not have that.

IncompleteSenten · 21/07/2022 08:05

It's really not an impossible financial decision.

Many women have to give up work when they find themselves alone with a baby.
The system even recognises this and they can claim benefits without the requirement to look for work for, is it 3 or 5 years? I'm not sure.

If you are objecting to double standards then you should be in agreement that he should do what countless single mothers have to do and live on benefits until their child can go to school. 🤷

Namechange192727171 · 21/07/2022 08:05

You seem to prefer your precious ex son in law to your own daughter!

Poor girl had a brain injury, a baby and her marriage broke down. No wonder she's fed up and not coping.

Go see her, give her a hug and help her. GP, counselling etc. Remember she's YOUR baby, even now she's grown.

urrrgh46 · 21/07/2022 08:10

Reading this thread there's a lot of what HE should be doing, what Ops DD might need/have/ what's going on...from where I'm standing there needs to be a CHILD centred approach as regardless of whether child's Mum is feckless or suffering PND there is NOT going to be a quick fix to this situation and the baby, first and foremost, needs continued love and stability. If this can't be done between the Op and baby's father (as it seems Op's DD is incapable at this time) then SS are going to have to be involved to decide for everyone. What concerned me in this thread was Ops description of her DD being volatile - do you think she might neglect or harm baby if she was having a volatile outburst or felt she couldn't cope or even heaven forbid to get back at ex? Can OP ask for some compassionate leave while things get sorted out? It definitely seems like Ops DD needs GP involvement and very possibly SS might need to get involved too.

endofthelinefinally · 21/07/2022 08:12

Health Visitors can refer to GP, SS and mental health services. This is part of their role. You need to speak to them.

HardRockOwl · 21/07/2022 08:13

They're both very young if they're in their early 20s and it's no good pushing him to do more if he lives at home with parents who don't support him either

Op, in your position, i'd take the baby with firm boundaries in place - because the baby's wellbeing comes first and if your daughter can't or won't step up - it's down to you (not legally of course but you know what I mean)

I'd have to be sure my grandchild was being properly cared for so this is what I personally would do, whilst encouraging my daughter to see her GP and working with her to get her to grow up a little bit - if indeed the issue is that she just doesn't want the huge responsibility of a baby

Shgytfgtf111 · 21/07/2022 08:13

I would have a chat with the father to see what he means by shared custody - he might just mean that he has custody but that you will continue to provide childcare. He may never have claimed benefits in the past but there's no reason why he shouldn't now. He has paid into the system and that's what it is there for.

I agree its a very difficult situation all round and both your daughter and her ex need support. You mentioned that your daughter has issues with her moods due to the brain injury but surely that was the case when she planned to become pregnant and I assume it wasnt considered to be an issue at that point.

Bootothegoose · 21/07/2022 08:13

SeaToSki · 20/07/2022 22:39

Sounds like the father should have his son 100% of the time and maybe you can help with childcare 3 days and he can pay for childcare the other 2 days that he is working (like most other people do). Why would you have your dgs 50% of the time when he is not at work…or have I misunderstood something?

This.

as much as you love him it’s not your responsibility to take on a child. His dad needs to do it.

Bordesleyhills · 21/07/2022 08:16

Definitely go, perinatal lot in to help. Babies are full on but she can work through this . You can’t hand them back. A week away... how lovely . Could you help in other ways e.g. a bit of cleaning or cooking so your daughter has time with little one. It gets easier as they get older.

Bunce1 · 21/07/2022 08:18

Di not do anything rash.

dad- dysfunctional family probably not a good environment for the baby. Would his having full PR be the right thing for the baby? Probably not.

mum- clearly struggling- GP/HV need to be alerted. Parenting classes and so on.

gran- firmer boundaries in place. You are doing too much. Make yourself less available when your Dd is heading out at the weekends. Genuine childcare to enable her to work- ok. Occasional childcare for a break- yeah occasionally. But that’s it.

they need to step up together in a supportive way.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 21/07/2022 08:18

Namechange192727171 · 21/07/2022 08:05

You seem to prefer your precious ex son in law to your own daughter!

Poor girl had a brain injury, a baby and her marriage broke down. No wonder she's fed up and not coping.

Go see her, give her a hug and help her. GP, counselling etc. Remember she's YOUR baby, even now she's grown.

I don't think that's what OP is doing. What she's doing is putting the baby first.

Attacking her won't help.

I cannot help with practical advice, but I really hope this is sorted in the best interests of all.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 21/07/2022 08:19

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 22:37

I would contact Social Services.

I won't lie, I think the attitude of the child's father is shocking. He can't have him full time because he has to work? How does he think all of the other single parents in this world manage? He needs to step up and be a father.

Shocking?

He's obviously working it out. He's calling on support from family. He's trying to hold down a job. He's obviously very keen to be the kid's father.

Jesus, have some empathy.

What, incidentally, do you think of the mother?

georgarina · 21/07/2022 08:22

Tamzina · 21/07/2022 08:01

@georgarina

Acrually many young swingle mothers do have grandparents looking after their children a lot of the time.

Show quote history

I don't know ANY single mothers who share 50/50 custody with a grandparent. Never heard of it.

saraclara · 21/07/2022 08:23

Hardly anyone has taken on board the fathers living situation. He's had to move in with his feckless and unsupportive parents who can't even look after a dog. Did people really think that this is an environment that a baby should be living in 100% of the time?

Presumably the DD is living in the home they had together.

As for the pp who suggested that he orchestrated this...why would he? This is clearly a hugely difficult situation for everyone involved.

Both parents need help, and all the agencies who could and should be involved need contacting

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 08:23

Oh yeah that's a great way to look at it. Some men abandon their children, so let's give everybody a free pass to do it as well.

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 08:25

People on here have absolutely no idea about what the brain injury's effects are, unless you have access to her medical details?

felulageller · 21/07/2022 08:25

She has a brain injury. Maybe best to consider her as disabled and having a support plan around that.

SpaceGoatFarm · 21/07/2022 08:28

I look forward to you telling people that its not a difficult financial decision when its women who have to decide, IncompleteSenten.

Mellowyellow222 · 21/07/2022 08:30

Of course it is heartbreaking that the mother doesn’t want to be a parent. There may be complex reasons for this. There may not. Unfortunately some parents just don’t care. It is usually men in that category, but it is sometimes women.

I think people are focusing on the dad here because he doesn’t think he should step up 100%, and OP agrees. That is purely because he is male. We assume men are less capable of juggling the stresses of parenthood - why?

it is really odd to suggest going to court for 50-50. He may be just panicking and thinking I can’t do this. But OP needs to remind him he is the parent here. If one parent walks out the other usually steps up. Why can’t he?

he needs to move into the family home and take on full time parenting responsibilities. OP’s daughter needs to move out - and get some counselling to see what exactly is going on.

Shgytfgtf111 · 21/07/2022 08:33

saraclara · 21/07/2022 08:23

Hardly anyone has taken on board the fathers living situation. He's had to move in with his feckless and unsupportive parents who can't even look after a dog. Did people really think that this is an environment that a baby should be living in 100% of the time?

Presumably the DD is living in the home they had together.

As for the pp who suggested that he orchestrated this...why would he? This is clearly a hugely difficult situation for everyone involved.

Both parents need help, and all the agencies who could and should be involved need contacting

The OP has never said the fathers parents cant even look after a dog. She said they dont really acknowledge their grandson. It doesnt make his living situation unbearable necessarily.

NoMichaelNo · 21/07/2022 08:36

Fuck me this thread is appalling.

OP's daughter has abandoned her son yet the ex partner who is doing what he can is getting it in the neck?

We don't even know why they have split up but he's getting the blame for that regardless, he's living with his dysfunctional family, whilst working a poorly paid job and people are wondering why he can't have DS full time? He's probably not even aware that there's support out there for him.

Honestly a lot of you need to look in the mirror.