Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What a load of horse manure. How would this not apply to every single mum on the planet? Why is he special? Give your head a shake and get him to give his head a big one. He takes 100% custody, does what every other single mum does and juggles work and makes it work (and yes, it is hard but everyone else manages), and he gets whatever CM he can from your DD. You help out as you can as you are doing now.

You need to encourage your daughter to talk to her GP.

if your daughter does abandon her responsibilities, then her ex will need to do what countless other single parents have done and take over fill responsibility for his child. You should not be taking custody of your grandchild when there is a perfectly capable parent available.

I would seek out some therapy. This happens hopefully she can come out of it with help

I'm eye-rolling a bit at the "she's so young" "she has PND." OK, it's not clear if the head injury had anything to do with poor decision-making. But early 20s is an adult; she's not 15. I have a few friends who had children in their early 20s and they were all proper parents who behaved like adults. She and her husband PLANNED this baby, and she is out partying at the weekend.

They both need to grow up a bit, frankly. And I don't think the OP is judgmental for sounding a bit harsh about her. I do think she needs to start expecting Dad to step up the plate as well. He needs to be doing 50% and fitting his social life and career around Baby, just like everyone else has to.

One thing to say is that although it’s desperately hard for a young woman to cope with a baby alone, possibly suffering from PND, it’s harder to be a young man coping alone with a very young baby. The world is not set up for young men caring for a baby alone. Especially if he has a dysfunctional family himself and is on a low income. He is probably feeling pretty desperate. At least he cares about his child. Unlike so many men who would just walk away.
It is most probably true that his employer would have no interest in his situation. He’s trying to keep his job and has no where to live apart from with his parents, who don’t care either.

My cousin is adopted and came from a background exactly like this. Mother didn’t want to know and father was 19 and couldn’t support her. He desperately wanted to be in his child’s life but lacked the means to cope. She was adopted at 6 months old.

If I was in your shoes I would accept the 50/50 rather than encourage him to take full custody and lose my dgs ... and harder for your dd to have more of a role down the line when she might be ready. and how would it feel for dgs later on to lear that he has been rejected twice... It sounds as though you really love him.

I concur. This might even spur the daughter into getting some much needed help from her GP and HV.

That’s what I was worried of as well. If @dalmatianmad your daughter is struggling to cope with just one day and what with her previous brain injury, which you’ve said changed her personality etc., she may unintentionally put your grandson in harm’s way. This must be a lot for you as your also working long hours as a nurse

you’re*

If you have 50/50 with the dad, what do you think would happen if he meets a girl that doesn’t want kids as she’s too young for responsibility? If you accept split custody now, expect him to be an every other weekend one day in the week dad within the next few years, with you parenting 80% of the time, paying for childcare and all expenses whilst both pay minimal child support.
He needs to take full responsibility until your daughter recovers the same as if the genders would be reversed. I would explain to the dad that you will support him in trying to find a family home as he’ll probably get housing benefit as a single parent on low wage, but that you won’t co-parent just support your already generous 3 days a week.

My DD rejected her baby at the age of 9 months. She was 20. She said the baby was "too much work" and she wanted to have fun while she was still young. The baby's father had no job and substance abuse issues. His parents and I got together and decided that it was either I take him or he would end up in foster care. I raised him as a "single grandmother" until his mother got her act together. Unfortunately he was 13 years old before she "grew up" and he chose to stay with me. He sees her regularly and he knows who she is to him but he says I am his "real mom" because I was there for him. Not how I meant to spend my retirement years, but I don't regret doing it.

The OP is not a random family member and is the child’s maternal grandmother who is currently looking after baby 3 times per week.

This is an emergency Assume unless disproven Post Natal Depression Doctor consult, all need to step up, sad for all, marriage breakup soon after birth big warning sign, is there a history of anxiety depression. Needs full assessment and advice to you babies father, team approach to help mum get through this. I am sure further separation of mother and baby would be a last resort. Follow professional advice. Best wishes

@Lunadreamer

You find his beahviour shocking? It’s not ideal certainly - but his mother has rejected her baby entirely and you don’t find that a lot more shocking?

Men always think some woman is going to do it for them.

It's hard to disagree with this. OP, your daughter may have PND and be struggling to cope, so do encourage her to seek help. She may also just have decided that parenting is not for her. If so, clearly this is wrong and parents shouldn't walk out on their responsibilities to their children, but many do. The difference is they're mostly men and they do it believing that the female parent will pick up the pieces rather than their child having to go into care. Most women don't walk out because that is not an option. Here, your daughter no doubt believes that her ex and you will pick up the pieces.

There is no reason why the father can't cope with a baby and a job, in the same way that most single parents have to cope. He may have to change his job or working hours and accept lower-paid work but, like people have said, there is support available. I think it would be short-sighted of you to accept any responsibility for the child beyond the help you were already giving your daughter, because that will encourage the father to make the baby your responsibility whereas really he needs to fully engage with being the main parent.

Brain injury can sadly change someone's personality and make them less able to cope and have outbursts. Does DD have any involvement with brain injury services or rehabilitation? I would contact children's SS and Adult SS for support.

@bluenameblue

Its pretty telling for this forum that on a thread where a mother doesn’t want her own baby posters are more upset at the father.

We all need to work but most single parents don't expect someone who isn't the parent to share care 50% and obtain parental responsibility because of it! He needs to work out how to manage his life around his full time parenting responsibilities. Sure you can help and continue looking after DGS but the idea that you should become his second parent because the father has to work is absurd.

It’s very eye opening to me that most of the outrage on this thread is directed at the father - who may yet end up with 100% custody - and not the mother of the child who is rejecting it.
For some reason she deserves support during this time whereas he (also young) is shown zero sympathy despite being the one who, you know, actually wants to be a parent.

And when I say eye opening I mean it’s clearly extremely sexist that in this situation posters somehow are more triggered by the father than the mother.

Its pretty telling for this forum that on a thread where a mother doesn’t want her own baby posters are more upset at the father.

Only because he doesn't appear to want to take full responsibility for his own child. Instead, he's trying to offload it onto the OP. Unfortunately, if one parent is unable or unwilling to parent, it's shit but you can't force them to be a parent. The remaining parent just has to step up and find a way to cope.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Is it absurd though? Why?
sure if she doesn’t want to do it she shouldn’t but at this point it is something he has asked - not demanded. If she was totally up for it it wouldn’t be that crazy at all. For all we know he may end up with 100% custody yet when she rejects this.

People are much madder at him than the mother of the child and that is what’s absurd to me.

@Goldbar

We both know if this was a father rejecting the child there would be multiple posts calling him a bastard, asking why men did this etc.
on this, nothing but sympathy and not a mean word toward Zthe mother of the child - it’s all reserved for him.

At this point he has suggested custody with OP - it’s a suggestion. If he isn’t aware she doesn’t want that it’s really not that crazy. Once he is aware he may well take full custody. He is also young and likely thinks of it as just her helping babysit or whatever - certainly he’s doing a much better job of parenting than the child’s mother, not that you’d know it from the responses on here.

Maybe he’s unaware of what help he’d get financially if he became a full time single parent and needs someone to sit down with him and explain it all.

you don't understand why mothers might be mad at a father who's response to being left holding the baby is to ask another woman to step in and take over half his responsibilities? Ok.....

@dalmatianmad

I agree with your take OP. I think in the mass of sexist outrage toward the father what’s been lost is that unless he realises you are dead against this it’s actually quite a practical suggestion.

And in a way you retaining some rights to your GS rather than him just asking for babysitting from you actually ensures you’ll actually retain some relationship with GS that is garunteed.

He’s young and also wasn’t prepared for this. If you don’t want to do it that’s fine and perhaps some babysitting for him could help and also let you stay part of dear GS life.

What people don’t seem to get (and I don’t know if you mind or not) is that if the father takes full custody and puts his son in care while he works that will likely be the end of your relationship with your grandchild not to mention the end of any potential relationship of your daughter with her child should she want some form of relationship down the road.