Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Literally WTF.

Not saying I don't have sympathy for the dad's situation.

But praising him for part time parenting and NOT GIVING THE BABY UP TO SOCIAL SERVICES...

I'm a single parent and haven't once been praised for working full-time, no child maintenance (their dad is self employed) and no help. In fact I was once accused of trying to "get free childcare off him" by his family when I suggested he take them for a weekend day.

If I were a father I assume I'd be hailed as a fucking hero.

It's infuriating.

This is an awful situation and I feel very sad for DGS. My friend was like this with her son, very similar situation. Desperately wanted a baby, then had one, split up with her partner and barely saw her baby. She did everything she could to avoid him. He was either in nursery from 7am to 6pm each day, with his dad or with her mum. She saw him for a few hours a week and absolutely didn't enjoy it. She'd make excuses to get out of seeing him. I do think she had PND although she never acknowledged it. In this case she started to enjoy motherhood more when her son became a toddler. There was a big change in her. She said it felt more fun. She actually started doing things with her son - taking him to shows, theme parks etc. She slowly started to miss him when he was with his dad. Now her son's 7 and I'd say she's a really good mum. She's very close to her son, has had a second son now and is coping much better. Just a thought that maybe your daughter's feelings will change as her son becomes older. Babies are hard work and relentless but as they grow in to children and you can have conversations/do nice things with them I feel motherhood becomes more enjoyable and rewarding.

Agreed! Also in your situation I'd be encouraging them to get social care involved or do it yourself. It could be that she has PND and just needs some support, but she needs to speak to someone in a professional capacity about why she "doesn't want" her son to look into this more. Plus you will all need support and guidance if there are going to be any changes to residency.

Honestly she sounds like a madam. What would she do if you weren't around and she was a single mum? Put him in care? Of course she wouldn't. She's get on with it. Your helpfulness is enabling her.

This ^

You need to phone the GP today and say you need to talk to a Gp about your DD’s mental health as you are worried. You say you know they can’t discuss her/give you any information but you need to let one of the doctors know about some concerning information.
also father should have custody 100% and the you can look after baby, it wouldn’t be shared custody unless you want to be a parent again.

In this particular scenario, the bar for mums is apparently even lower. Plenty of censure for the dad for only wanting 50/50 childcaring. Significantly less for the mum who doesn't want to do any at all.

Neither parent comes out well in this situation. But that dad comes out significantly better than the mum.

I’d be thinking of the child in this situation. What’s the best for them? Can a mother like that be trusted with baby? OP if you have the capacity to help bringing him up I think that should be the main priority. Your daughter will come around in a few years time when she coped with her demons (i wouldn’t go down the route that you enabled the situation, I have 2 children and if anyone would have wanted to take them off me I’d rip their head of. That’s how hormones work. Your daughter is clearly struggling). You will have a beautiful bond with the grandchild and the said child will have a loving family not Foster home. IDK, it’s a hard hard situation…

@Comedycook

Honestly she sounds like a madam. What would she do if you weren't around and she was a single mum? Put him in care? Of course she wouldn't. She's get on with it. Your helpfulness is enabling her.

Far and away the stupidest comment I've read so far, and utterly dangerous. The news is filled with the fates of children of parents who can't cope and are just left to 'get on with it'. You're quite right, few are decorously handed over to social services; most are neglected, abandoned or abused. Unfit parents do not become good parents when left to 'get on with it': www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-58102792

Not enabling she doesn't want the child because he's part of her ex. As long as the child is around her he will always be a reminder to her of what she's lost. Especially if the little boy looks like her.

There was a case in the US the mother didn't want the baby because she looked like her dad. She neglected her left her in a cupboard with the air con on full blast for months. Randomly feeding her, dirty nappies were left stacked up in the cupboard.

When she was rescued she was frozen in the foetal position. She had curled up to try and keep warm. Doctors couldn't manipulate her legs back to the natural position.

I'm not sure if she survived. Some say she did. Others say she passed away from infection.

But this mother does have support...she has more support than most women do. A childfree holiday and the baby isn't even a year old...I could only dream of such a thing.

@redskyatnight

Neither parent comes out well in this situation. But that dad comes out significantly better than the mum.

But that's blindingly obvious isn't it. I don't see anyone comparing the dad to the mum in a negative light. But in a situation where one parent is out of the equation sue either to fecklessness or incapacity, then it's on the other parent. The comparison is between the expectations of this man (both in the sense of what he expects and what others expect of him) and those of a woman in the same situation.

This^

@Comedycook

But this mother does have support...she has more support than most women do. A childfree holiday and the baby isn't even a year old...I could only dream of such a thing.

So you're suggesting... what exactly? That the OP should leave her daughter to get on with it ("what would she do if you weren't around and she was a single mum? ... Your helpfulness is enabling her")? Or not?

The child's welfare is the most important thing. But yes, she has been enabled and if she can't cope with looking after her own child one day a week,then it's a lost cause really.

Wonderful story.😊🥰

@Comedycook

Or she has a disability (brain injury) and/or a mental illness (PND), along with losing the help and support of her partner, along with being very young - and that is currently preventing her from coping, and she needs professional treatment and support to enable her to bond with her child and parent effectively. Maybe. Or indeed she is just useless. But if she is being useless, and it is a lost cause, then how would her mum not 'enabling' her (i.e. looking out for the welfare of the child) have helped that situation?

Nobody is beatifying him for not legging it. We're saying that he doesn't deserve the level of criticism he's got on here, especially considering that his partner HAS pretty much legged it.

And as I said in my follow up post, I only mentioned that he hadn't dumped his kid on SS because other posters had suggested that he SHOULD!

When he phoned OP, the guy had only just heard from her DD that she didn't want the child at all. Her was thinking on his feet and presumably massively stressed. I iagine that when he's had time to think and get advice on what help he can get, he will probably not take that suggestion any further.

I really don't understand why so many people on MN refuse to have any empathy for a man, and when others do, they get called handmaidens or accused of having a low bar.

This is a shitty and stressful situation for everyone involved, and they all deserve some empathy

Realistically, if this brain injury is historic, DD is unlikely to get any better. This is not like a mental illness that can be helped by drugs. The damage is done. So yes, I think it's best to work from that position and assume that it's unlikely (but not impossible) that she will ever be able to be a full time mum.

OP if you have the capacity to help bringing him up I think that should be the main priority

I think that's easy to say and the OP clearly loved the GC and is considering this - but she does need to think long and hard - how old is she/how's her health/her money situation - this child will grow up into a teen - is she ready to parent again for 20+ years and what relationship is she expecting with the father here.

Clearly the child need to be kept safe - but I don't think there's any suggestion the mother is harming the child just avoiding. Plus the Op will have to consider the impact on her DD - what's best for her is an issue though less than what's best for the GC.

First step would be professional advice - health and legal and possibly SS and many talks with SIL and DD.

Sounds like PND which was probably triggered by the breakdown of her relationship. Her comments about being unable to cope and it ‘not being what she signed up for’ sound just like me when I had my first DC. I begged my Mum to take him, said I’d wished I had an abortion and that I wanted to put him up for adoption. Crazy to think now because he’s 12 and I adore him but at the time I was severely depressed following a traumatic birth and not in a good state of mind at all. My DS had colic too so seemed to cry 24/7 which I just couldn’t cope with, I remember lying in the bath with my head under the water once wanting to drown.

She’s going through a rough time and needs some support, she definitely needs to speak to both the GP and her health visitor. If she won’t do it herself, I recommend you contact them on her behalf and explain the situation. There’s amazing perinatal mental health teams who will help her bond. Don’t rush into anything in terms of removing access.

They did it between them while she went on holiday. She didn't expect to have to do it every week. She's working full time said she changed her shifts.

It would be different if she had retired. She's raised her family she shouldn't have to raise her daughter's as well. There's a difference between helping with childcare getting to enjoy being a grandparent and having 50/50 custody.

I haven't read the entire thread so others may have already said this.
I definitely think your DD is suffering from PND and she needs to seek help.
I wouldn't force her to take DS back as I fear something "bad" may happen.

She's made it clear she cant cope, even if its just one day. We don't want to hear about another shocker story of a mum that had PND.....you know the rest.

Easier said than done but OP, along with the help of the dad, I'd raise this child moving forward.

The comparison is between the expectations of this man (both in the sense of what he expects and what others expect of him) and those of a woman in the same situation.

Really? If a single mum had posted that she'd split up with her partner who was not interested in the child but had agreed with the partner's mum that they should have 50/50 custody, I really doubt there would be a pile on telling her she was feckless and a bad parent for not wanting to take it on 100%.

And actually a large number of single mums (and non-single mums for that matter) do heavily rely on grandparents for childcare - often to the tune of large proportions of the week. Again, they aren't generally slated for this (unless the grandparents are unhappy with the arrangement).

I suspect most of the comments would rather be to be very careful about the arrangement and to think about what might happen if there were (for example) differences in parenting styles. And there would most definitely be a huge number of posts regarding the dad being a complete waste of space.

I don't get the level of criticism either. Not just based on what we've heard here.

It's possible that the husband was just suggesting that 50/50 with the OP would work better because his work commitments would otherwise mean that the child spending more time in childcare. And being with his grandmother instead could very well be the best thing for the child.

He might be trying to slough off his responsibilities but I don't see why that's the automatic assumption.