Page 14 | Dd has rejected her Baby

Twocrabs20 · 21/07/2022 10:48

I agree with @Askingadviceagain

“The father needs to take full custody and work out single parenting like the rest of us women do. He needs to look into benefits and childcare vouchers… You can be a helpful grandparent of course but this is his child and his responsibility.“

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/07/2022 10:48

Agree with @Lovelycheese - many people with depression go out and socialise.

Many are the life and soul of the party. It's called "masked depression" and is an attempt at a coping mechanism. Don't admit to your friends that anything's wrong, don't want anyone to ask about it, pretend it isn't happening and it will go away (it doesn't). And of course - "fake it till you make it". Try to be/look happy and one day you will.

How many times do we read of people taking tragic steps, and all the family and friends say "But s/he was always so full of fun!" "We never imagined that they were feeling low." "S/he was the one we turned to with our troubles - we never thought they were suffering themselves."

It happens a LOT.

I hope this young woman will change her mind about going to the doctor - I think she really needs help.

@dalmatianmad - you aren't enabling her, you are supporting her. My heart aches for you all - you must be exhausted and worried - and I suspect that she is blaming herself because she "doesn't love her baby". I think she does underneath but is too stressed and anxious to realise it, and perhaps also fears that something will happen to him when he's with her (I'm not suggesting abuse, more that he will be ill and she won't be able to ope. Perhaps she can barely cope with herself at the moment and is just overwhelmed, even if it's 1 day a week.

Could she spend time with you AND the baby@dalmatianmad , rather than leaving him with you? Just to get some confidence with him, and to have someone to talk to when she has him in her care.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 10:49

Come on anyone
she goes to work
she’s out partying or even just going out
people who are depressed do definitely NOT want to go to work let alone going to the pub or a club !
many can hardly get out of bed and they show NO interest in MOST things !
she’s decided she wants her FREEDOM and not tied down.

You honestly think people with depression just lie in bed crying all the time? Do you think all alcoholics spend their lives lying in the gutter with a bottle of vodka too? 🙄

Absolutely people with depression can work - indeed sometimes they become workaholics because it shuts out the thoughts and gives them something other than feeling awful to think about. And avoidance, 'running away', risky behaviours like excessive drinking and sex with strangers - all of these are frequent symptoms of someone struggling with their mental health.

Honestly you can tell who of the commenters on here have ever had experience with depression and who haven't...

MercurialMonday · 21/07/2022 10:51

mam0918 · 21/07/2022 10:24

'states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for"

Erm... everyone goes through this but just because its not always fun and not what you thought doesnt mean you get to bail.

Im not blaming you as you seem to care about DGS but really the fact you took over and allowed her to flit around is probably why. She hasnt ACTUALLY parented because you have so she doesnt see him as 'her' child or responsability anymore.

You see this often with teenagers whose mothers step in to take the burden of the childcare load - its a form of disassosiation. She needs to actually bond with her child, maybe seek out professional guidence on how to do that correctly.

I was thinking along those lines - MIL had horrific birth and everyone stepped in to look after DH - and I do think that had an adverse affect - many of her stories about DH at this time are her leaving him with anyone and everyone or leaving him alone - it's not until much later in childhood she has nice stories of doing things with him - when everyone else had lost interest as he aged.

She was surprised with her GC - she was quite the pain first insisted we'd hate them as babies then trying to push me out so she could take over.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/07/2022 10:55

Absolutely people with depression can work - indeed sometimes they become workaholics because it shuts out the thoughts and gives them something other than feeling awful to think about. And avoidance, 'running away', risky behaviours like excessive drinking and sex with strangers - all of these are frequent symptoms of someone struggling with their mental health.

Honestly you can tell who of the commenters on here have ever had experience with depression and who haven't...

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen - Absolutely right!

ancientgran · 21/07/2022 10:56

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 10:41

@ancientgran

If he has the baby 3 days a week his life isn't going on as it always has. The mother on the other hand has the baby 1 day a week and weeks off for holidays or because she wants to go out. It sounds like she is the one who wants to carry on as before

I think it's completely obvious the daughter's behaviour is not good. It's terrible. But given the context as I say I think there may be some quite severe mental health issues underlying that.

Either way that is completely by the by with regard to the father's behaviour. I'm not comparing his behaviour to hers, I'm comparing his behaviour with the behaviour of the millions of single mums who have found themselves in the same position.

Many a mum has been left in the lurch by the shitty behaviour of their child's father deciding to fuck off out of their lives, for whatever reason. They step up. They 'have the baby' 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, or they arrange childcare for the times they can't be there e.g. working. They don't try and find an alternative adult to assume 50% of the care so they can carry on doing as they have done while not a single parent. They may have to quit or scale back work, they may have to claim benefits. Them's the (admittedly shitty) breaks. But he obviously thinks that is unthinkable for him, because he is a man.

He has childcare for virtually 50% of the time already, the grandmother. Nothing unusual in that, I do it and so do plenty of other grandmothers and when we do it for our daughters no one comments but doing it for the father, well that is way out of line. He should cut himself in half shouldn't he, he needs to earn a living and look after his child 100% of the time or he's just a slacker.

saraclara · 21/07/2022 10:57

This is what the OP says:

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend

She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.
Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

At the point that the father phoned OP, he had known about the mother not wanting her son for a matter of hours at the very most.
He's panicking, he doesn't know what to do, the idea of 50/50 would have come into his head without any real thought (based on OP having her GC for three days at the moment)

He shouldn't be judged on the panicky ideas that are popping into his head at this point. We'd not be any different "how am I going to manage? What about my job? I don't have a seure home environment for my baby. Who's the only reliable person in my son's life?""

The one panicky thought that HASN'T popped into hiis head is not stepping up, or handing his child to SS.
Give the guy a break for goodness' sake. He hasn't been scheming and plotting for weeks to get some woman to do his job as a parent.

ancientgran · 21/07/2022 10:58

Twocrabs20 · 21/07/2022 10:48

I agree with @Askingadviceagain

“The father needs to take full custody and work out single parenting like the rest of us women do. He needs to look into benefits and childcare vouchers… You can be a helpful grandparent of course but this is his child and his responsibility.“

So it was fine to do 3 days a week for the mother but the father just has to get on with it?

Somethingneedstochange · 21/07/2022 10:59

You can't carry on like this. Can the baby's father not get help with childcare costs?

Contact social services they are there to help.

Somethingneedstochange · 21/07/2022 11:03

3 days a week is too much for any grandparent while they also have a full time job to do. It would be difference if she had retired. One day a week is enough. She's raised her family she shouldn't have to do it again.

The father should be sorting out so some childcare.

crochetmonkey74 · 21/07/2022 11:04

OP
There are 2 things to think about here-

Be careful taking on legally 50/50- if Dad is also struggling a bit - you may find yourself in sole charge

BUT
There are big red flags here for that child being neglected or even injured- I know at this point that will sound horrifying and you may feel annoyed at me for even suggesting that your daughter could ever hurt the baby BUT she is not bonded, if she gets a new partner who sees the baby as an inconvenience- you can see where this goes. Almost all of the high profile cases start in this way.

You are in such a difficult position here as the PPs who are saying 'Dad needs to step up, he should be sole parent'

Some people simply can't, or you know your grandson would be having an upbringing less than you would like

guerrillagirl · 21/07/2022 11:07

Sorry OP - it does sound like she might have PND. Hopefully it’s something she can work through in time. Could she move in with you so you and her can take care of your DGS together on the days the DF is working? It might give her time to build a bond with her baby

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 11:08

@ancientgran

Then why can't they just carry on with that arrangement (the gran looking after baby 3 days a week) rather than her getting court-ordered 50/50? He will have to find some way of covering the daughter's day if she isn't fit/willing to do it, but that isn't her mum's responsibility - it's his, as the parent. And there's a difference between babysitting so he can go to work and 50/50 - that assumes he doesn't expect to pick the baby up on those three days, that she will be responsible for bathtime, bedtime etc. He wants another parent, not grandparent support.

He should cut himself in half shouldn't he, he needs to earn a living and look after his child 100% of the time or he's just a slacker.

No need to cut himself in half. Lots of single mums have to square this circle. And yes some use grandparent support to help them do this, but they don't absolve themseves of 50% of their parental responsibility via court order.

LittleOwl153 · 21/07/2022 11:09

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:50

OK lots to think about. Thanks for the input so far.

Ex is on a low wage. He has moved back in with his parents until he can afford to rent somewhere. He comes from a very dysfunctional family.
No support from his parents. They barely acknowledge their dgs.

I wouldn't do 50/50 as a grandparent with the kids dad. I think that sets up too many issues for the future.

I would seek social services assistance for your daughter as she clearly isn't coping. With a view to:

Your daughter getting the support she needs to be resident parent for the baby with childcare support.

Baby's dad taking resident parent 100% with SS support to get himself set up in a flat with benefits to cover childcare etc (with mum chiping in when she can and you helping as a grandma!)

You taking reside to parent/guardian 100% taking this child on as your own with all that entails. Both parents paying some maintenance and you seeing childcare benefit support etc. If you do this seek support/advice re kinship adoption to ensure you don't get screwed over financially by the system.

Or 4. The child being given up for adoption.

What I am saying is 1 person needs to take responsibility fully for this kid - with the assistance/support of others as they can.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 11:10

The one panicky thought that HASN'T popped into hiis head is not stepping up, or handing his child to SS.

Sorry, are we giving this guy credit now for not just packing his kid off to foster care as a fist option?

Wow the bar for dads is LOOOOOOOOOOOOW isn't it.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 11:13

Baby's dad taking resident parent 100% with SS support to get himself set up in a flat with benefits to cover childcare etc (with mum chiping in when she can and you helping as a grandma!)

Mum shouldn't 'chip in where she can', she should pay at least the minimum child support set out by CMS.

rainrelief · 21/07/2022 11:14

saraclara · 21/07/2022 10:57

This is what the OP says:

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend

She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.
Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

At the point that the father phoned OP, he had known about the mother not wanting her son for a matter of hours at the very most.
He's panicking, he doesn't know what to do, the idea of 50/50 would have come into his head without any real thought (based on OP having her GC for three days at the moment)

He shouldn't be judged on the panicky ideas that are popping into his head at this point. We'd not be any different "how am I going to manage? What about my job? I don't have a seure home environment for my baby. Who's the only reliable person in my son's life?""

The one panicky thought that HASN'T popped into hiis head is not stepping up, or handing his child to SS.
Give the guy a break for goodness' sake. He hasn't been scheming and plotting for weeks to get some woman to do his job as a parent.

This!

Give him some credit!

OP clearly needs to have a detailed conversation with him.

But really, these comments of just leave him to live on benefits with his fucked up family and his baby and get on with it, are hardly centering the child.

This young father is reaching out for support and conversation to what appears to be the only adult in his and his child’s life he can turn to.

I would be helping if I were OP, I probably would not commit to formal custody/ contact. My goal would be to help him to a stable secure place so he is able to take on even more parenting. But I certainly would not be withdrawing support and telling him to get on with it by himself. I would not want the very real risk of his care of his child breaking down completely or him staying with my grandson with his dysfunctional family.

I’d be long- term focused on the bigger goals for my gds.

saraclara · 21/07/2022 11:15

No, but previous posters have suggested that he should get the child fostered. Which is why I mentioned it. But no, he doesn't intend taking that easy way out (which seems to be abve those posters' bar)

saraclara · 21/07/2022 11:16

saraclara · 21/07/2022 11:15

No, but previous posters have suggested that he should get the child fostered. Which is why I mentioned it. But no, he doesn't intend taking that easy way out (which seems to be abve those posters' bar)

That was fr @MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

NanaNelly · 21/07/2022 11:17

ancientgran · 21/07/2022 10:56

He has childcare for virtually 50% of the time already, the grandmother. Nothing unusual in that, I do it and so do plenty of other grandmothers and when we do it for our daughters no one comments but doing it for the father, well that is way out of line. He should cut himself in half shouldn't he, he needs to earn a living and look after his child 100% of the time or he's just a slacker.

Show quote history

Ancientgran, we’ll said.

saraclara · 21/07/2022 11:17

these comments of just leave him to live on benefits with his fucked up family and his baby and get on with it, are hardly centering the child.

Exactly.

Mellowyellow222 · 21/07/2022 11:20

He should cut himself in half shouldn't he, he needs to earn a living and look after his child 100% of the time or he's just a slacker.

I think this misunderstand what he is asking.

it is of course fine for OP to continue to offer to babysit.

but that’s not what he is asking. He currently cares for his child three days a week. I am not sure if that includes overnights. He doesn’t want to be the main residential parent. He wants OP to care for the child 50-50. So nights, and I assume financial responsibility. In a 50-50 arrangement brig would pay for food, clothes, toys etc.

I am sure everyone on this forum knows a mum whose partner has walked. I do. When it happened to my friend she had to move, arrange childcare, change her work hours (and indeed her job) and ask her mum to help out.

she had ti earn a living and look after her child. While her mum helped a bit with babysitting, she didn’t go to court to ensure custody was fifty fifty. Her daughter slept at her house every night. That’s all people are saying this man should do.

KatharineofAragon · 21/07/2022 11:21

saraclara · 21/07/2022 11:17

these comments of just leave him to live on benefits with his fucked up family and his baby and get on with it, are hardly centering the child.

Exactly.

Agree!

Nocutenamesleft · 21/07/2022 11:22

dalmatianmad · 20/07/2022 22:44

No previous MH problems.

Had a brain Injury a few years ago which changed her massively. She still has some ongoing problems. We all knew she would need extra support with yhe pregnancy/birth and baby. One of the reasons I've been so involved.
Her mood has been up and down since the accident/injury. She's been very short tempered since.

Oh wow.

I work with people with brain tumours and endocrine

this is really common. Brain injury’s do really damage the very very unique balance of the brain.

id suggest getting back in touch with her neurosurgeon or neurologist.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 21/07/2022 11:29

@Mellowyellow222

THANK you. Honestly thought I was going mad here all these women so keen to beatify this guy for not just legging it immediately.

Dd has rejected her Baby

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