Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

@transitionday

I imagine the mumsnetters reaction to reading this thread to be “Gran stuck looking after the baby, how hard for her, Daughter doesn’t want her baby? poor dear she must need help…..what’s this? A man! A Man has done something I don’t love! I’m MAD it’s A MAN! GRRRR!”
And then the fingers start going furiously to express just how angry they are at the man.

Hi clearly she is post natal and needs support. I would go for 50/50 with view to getting her mental health support and then look at reinstating custody if and when she is ready. She definitelt needs some kind of counselling. If after that she is in the same boat and she really doesn't want to be a mum then aslt least something is in place. What are the other options? He goes into care?

@NanaNelly

Perhaps it’s his way of acknowledging the role the Op plays in her grandchild’s life. Perhaps he thinks it would hurt her feelings if he didn’t include her as the child’s grandma.

Errr, no. from the OP:

Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

It's very very clear why he's asking, it's because he wants his life to carry on as it always has, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a single parent. I mean, who does? But women who are left in the lurch don't tend to assume they have the option of fobbing off their child on someone who is not their parent 50% of the time so they can carry on as before.

I’d offer to have the baby full time, it doesn’t sound like either parent is in a position to provide what he needs.

What caused the ex to leave shortly after the baby was born (and what sort of man does this to the mother of his baby)?

Um, presumably someone who can no longer deal with how volatile his partner is? OP has stressed how her brain injury has given her serious anger issues. You wouldn't expect a woman to stay in an angry volatile relationship but because it's a man it's fine and he just needs to suck it up.

Agree with PPs he needs to step up for 100% custody though.

What caused the ex to leave shortly after the baby was born (and what sort of man does this to the mother of his baby)?
Um, presumably someone who can no longer deal with how volatile his partner is? OP has stressed how her brain injury has given her serious anger issues. You wouldn't expect a woman to stay in an angry volatile relationship but because it's a man it's fine and he just needs to suck it up.

The brain injury happened 'a few years ago'. The baby is 9 months old. So the anger issues were already apparent when they decided to have a baby. According to the OP the mum was coping well and bonded to the baby before the break-up. SO I do think this question doesn't answer itself and may be relevant.

It's very very clear why he's asking, it's because he wants his life to carry on as it always has, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a single parent. I mean, who does?

What I also imagine could happen is he will gradually step back himself - 3 days becomes 2, 2 days become 1, then two weeks go by as he makes excuses for why he can’t have DS that week. And so on until Grandma is the one stuck being the single parent. Which will be technically acceptable because the child is left with another guardian. If Grandma doesn’t have parental rights he wouldn’t be able to that, you can’t just abandon your child with someone who has no legal responsibility for them. I don’t trust this situation one bit.

There is absolutely nothing in the OP's posts to suggest that this is likely. In fact, quite the opposite.

I don't suppose you're ashamed of yourself, but you ought to be.

Babies throw a grenade into even the best relationships so one where the DD needed to maintain a delicate balance for her health and the ExH may have already been struggling with her is likely to have become much worse.

I do wonder if this contributed to her not bonding - or much more likely meant she has avoided confronting that but it's clearly come from a place of support. -

I'd would try and get her to GP/HV to rule out or get help with PND. Very least you need to have a this can't go on as it is conversation with her.

If she had completely checked out then Dad or you will have to step in and legal advice about how to do that so it is settled would be way to go.

Though I have to say I'm not so sure I'd want to raise any GC - it's a huge commitment - it's not that I wouldn't or that I wouldn't love them but it does come with huge long term responsibility - so make sure you think about your wants and needs in this as well.

Your DD sounds overwhelmed and deeply depressed to me. What were the circumstances of the break-up? Is she also feeling rejected and betrayed?

She has had a brain injury? Who knows how this, combined with her other problems has affected her.

I know that this is hugely heavy on you, but please try to support her for at least a while longer - these are very early days both in motherhood and in the ending of her relationship.

Perhaps the baby reminds her too much of his father at the moment. Maybe she needs time to realise that this is a separate little person, not a clone of his dad.

It's such a heartbreakingly sad situation. I wish there was an easy answer.

'states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for"

Erm... everyone goes through this but just because its not always fun and not what you thought doesnt mean you get to bail.

Im not blaming you as you seem to care about DGS but really the fact you took over and allowed her to flit around is probably why. She hasnt ACTUALLY parented because you have so she doesnt see him as 'her' child or responsability anymore.

You see this often with teenagers whose mothers step in to take the burden of the childcare load - its a form of disassosiation. She needs to actually bond with her child, maybe seek out professional guidence on how to do that correctly.

I agree with you @WalkingOnTheCracks and of course you can leave a child to live with a GP, my GS lives with me and school knows, GP knows and it is no issue unless someone raises a concern.

The father already has the baby 3 days a week and the mother has him 1 day but somehow on here she is some sort of victim.

OP it sounds like your GS is very lucky to have you and his dad, taking on a GC can be tiring (I have mine 100% and deal with his feelings about the absence of both parents) but it is also very rewarding. Good luck.

It might be that the father thinks the grandmother would stand a better chance of getting custody as she is a nurse with a home, he is a young man, low wage, no home.

Whereas women left holding the baby are absolutely delighted to find themselves claiming benefits and abandoning their hopes of a career in order to care for their kids and keep a roof over their head when the father bails out?

The thing is, if the grandmother is OK with helping out quite a lot, it might potentially be to everyone's benefit for she and him to have a 50-50 split. If he can maintain some sort of a career and maximize his future earnings, he'll be in a better position, long-term, to support his child as well as possible in the future. If the guy jacks in his career to become a SAHP on benefits, I'm sure that will delight a lot of Mumsnetters but it actually will result in both him and the child being a lot worse off 10 years from now.

That said, the OP is not obliged to become a substitute parent. It's up to her.

Daughter sounds a bit useless. She can party, holiday and hold down a job but isn't able to take care of her own child?

It sounds like there is something else going on.

She is blaming the baby for breaking up her relationship.
She thought the baby would create a lovely family to keep her safe.
But instead the baby 'made' her partner go away.
So it's the baby's fault and she cannot forgive for that.
So she 'hates' the baby because she has transferred her anger to the boy baby because she won't get angry with a the other man in her life.

What is the situation with DD's own father?
As this is significant.

If he has the baby 3 days a week his life isn't going on as it always has. The mother on the other hand has the baby 1 day a week and weeks off for holidays or because she wants to go out. It sounds like she is the one who wants to carry on as before.

@dalmatianmad
I can't give you advice but just want to say you are an amazing Mum and Grandmother. ⭐️
👏🏻💐

What absolute bollocks. Most people with depression go to work and lots go to parties and pubs and appear ok on the outside.

I'm thinking that the OP sounds like the only responsible adult in this scenario and that the baby needs her to be around to model how to look after a child for the very young and in-experienced parents. It's clear that the baby's father doesn't come from a supportive background and may not have the skills and knowledge to cope full-time. The baby is the most important person in the whole scenario.

Its difficult OP. But I think its possible you have been enabling your dd, it seems she isn't well enough to take care of the baby, but can go away and off on nights out all ok. I have early 20 something dc as well, and going away and going to parties are high up on the agenda of things they want to do.

I am in NO way saying that her brain injury has not affected her nor that PND should be ruled out.... but if you and her ex are willing to pick up the pieces, do all the arranging of child care, she is free to sit back and let it happen. Why isnt she present at the meeting to discuss the route going forward?

@ancientgran

If he has the baby 3 days a week his life isn't going on as it always has. The mother on the other hand has the baby 1 day a week and weeks off for holidays or because she wants to go out. It sounds like she is the one who wants to carry on as before

I think it's completely obvious the daughter's behaviour is not good. It's terrible. But given the context as I say I think there may be some quite severe mental health issues underlying that.

Either way that is completely by the by with regard to the father's behaviour. I'm not comparing his behaviour to hers, I'm comparing his behaviour with the behaviour of the millions of single mums who have found themselves in the same position.

Many a mum has been left in the lurch by the shitty behaviour of their child's father deciding to fuck off out of their lives, for whatever reason. They step up. They 'have the baby' 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, or they arrange childcare for the times they can't be there e.g. working. They don't try and find an alternative adult to assume 50% of the care so they can carry on doing as they have done while not a single parent. They may have to quit or scale back work, they may have to claim benefits. Them's the (admittedly shitty) breaks. But he obviously thinks that is unthinkable for him, because he is a man.

Oh gosh, the brain injury element sound significant here. Can you reach out to any of the brain injury charities, I wonder if they might offer additional support?

She has a brain injury it can turn the most placid moral person into someone who doesn't give a shit. I've worked in brain injury rehabilitation for years.

I'd say the same about a man.

Has anyone suggested family counselling between the mother & father ? Or wider family

Does the father have grand parents who can help too ?

Is the mother paying child maintenance, if she only has the child 1 day a week ?

Has any outside help been investigated yet ?