Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

@rainrelief

The other way to look at this is that he isn’t asking to be exempt from consequences, he is asking for family support with childcare to enable him to keep on working and look after his child. Many low income single mothers do this to keep working. Many higher earning mothers do too!

He isn't asking the grandma for childcare while he works. He is asking her to apply for parental responsibility, 50% of the time. That is a very, very, very different kettle of fish. How many single mothers with no dad on the scene only have their children 50% of the time? They may ask granny to have the kids while they work; but they get them up in the morning, get them dressed and fed, go to work, get off work, pick up the kids from granny, take them home, give them tea, put them to bed, maintain the household, do all the night wakings and sickness care, then they get up in the morning and do it again. That is the life of a single mum in most cases. But this single dad seems to think that is just not good enough for him as a man and is looking for a spare woman to pick up the slack.

First of all, you are an amazing mum and gran. You must be exhausted and worried sick too, so please look after yourself as well. I agree that dd sounds depressed and is struggling with her new life without her partner. Have you been able to speak to her hv or any pnd charities, someone once told me that charities are often more helpful than a gp as a first point of call for advice going forward, they will probably advise she see a gp but may offer other support. Dad sounds like hes doing as best he can, he obviously shares childcare with you just now so the 50/50 suggestion is maybe just a reflection of how he sees the situation continuing, I mean effectively you and he do have 50/50 if your daughter only has him one day a week but I do think she is struggling and some intervention might prevent things getting worse for you all. Perhap looking into help towards childcare might help too in the short term.

@NanaNelly

NanaNelly · Today 09:19
However, it sounds that as his father is not willing to step up to the role of single parent properly
it doesn’t sound like that at all

He is literally asking the OP to legally assume 50% parental responsibility. How is that assuming the role of a single parent?

She can't cope with 1 day a week looking after her son?

Really?

yea it is heartbreaking that the mum doesn’t want to parent. Any parent who walks away from their child is causing long term damage. If this woman doesn’t have a medical reason then she is a bad parent.

the focus here however is that in the majority of the cases the parent left takes 100% parental responsibility. This man only wants 50% and wants to go to court to ensure his ex MIL is responsible for the other half. That is really odd.

it is sexist to say he is a brilliant dad given he won’t care for his child 100% of the time (obviously with childcare). No one would say a mum who did this was brilliant.

what if he was widowed? Would he not want full legal responsibility for his son?

This is rubbish. Depression can absolutely be masked by destructive behaviours like excessive partying etc. It can certainly manifest as avoidance.

OP to me it seems she has had some kind of MH reaction to the baby and the breakup. PND seems very likely. I think if you could persuade her to talk to a GP or a therapist that could be beneficial to your DD.

I am not sure you should worrying about enablign her. I assume you have done so mainly to ensure that you dgs is ok. That said, she may need some gentle encouragement to rebond with him. What is she like when she is with him? Does she take good care of him? Is she loving/ engaged? Or distant?

I would not take on 50/50 custody with the ex at this point, no. Rather spend the effort supporting you DD in having 50/50 with her ex. They are his parents.

And it's very TYPICAL that everyone is shouting PND, mental health problems when she just might not want to be a mum anymore. Dads do it all the time but when a woman wants to just walk away she has to have some kind of mental illness! If it was opposite here everyone would be calling the dad and giving him no excuses

The father is trying to work out the best way to help his child, he might not of got it right with this 50/50 thing but he's STILL getting called for trying to do the right thing. Typical MN men can do no right!

Haven’t read the full thread but options seem to be. 1. Child is taken into care and social services may place the child with OP if she consents. OP would then be a foster parent and paid and supported accordingly. Child would be a child in care which means support into adulthood eg uni help etc. 2. Social care or court involved and OP volunteers to take custody and can become a special guardian / kinship carer and receive an allowance and benefits for the child but this will be less financially advantageous than 1 as SG effectively take on financial responsibility. Court can make a child arrangement order. Under this option OP takes on parental responsibility so can make decisions for the child as a parent can. 3. A private family arrangement between OP and father not sure who would get benefits in that situation. OP would not have parental responsibility / not be next of kin. Would not get as much support eg from social care 4. Father takes 100% custody and gets benefits etc to help him set up home with baby. OP can offer babysitting and support as now but Option 4 may mean OP family lose contact with the child and is brought up within the dads dysfunctional family or the Dad may move away etc. There’s a charity called Kinship which has info. Given his background, age and income i think the dad is being pragmatic and also offering the OP the option of having a legal role in the child’s life. If she doesn’t want that that’s understandable but it does mean she may lose touch with the child in future. OP and the Dad need info about the options / financial support etc avail and then to talk then through. The daughter doesn’t come into it really. The priority is the baby.

Why doesn't he do what most women do in this situation and step up. Not one woman 'wants' this to happen to them, but it does. Frequently.

I think you've supported your daughter, but he needs to grow a pair and you shouldn't feel that it's your job. He had a child, now he needs to raise it.

In the meantime your daughter needs some MH support.

Good luck OP it sounds like you've been brilliant

Many women on here are grieving the end of a relationship top after their husband fuck offs or cheats. Don't seem dropping the babies and running off partying do you? 🙄

Yeah her life is shit at the moment, she needs help, she needs to learn to be a mother. He needs the same, but they don't just get to drop the ball and leave someone else to pick up the mess. If she won't do it, then tough luck daddy, you're quitting your job or going part time to get help with childcare and benefits. It's shit, but plenty of women have to do it, he can too. He can't just go asking Gran to take on the parental responsibilities her daughter doesn't want to do. He has to step up, not run off too.

Exactly sometimes they just decide they don't want the responsibility anymore. Fair enough if she was having the bulk of child care but it's 1 day anyone could cope with that!m especially for your own child. You know her best. But typical MN only want to believe a woman has to have a mental illness & label if they don't want to know their baby. Some people are just not cut out to be a parent and sadly realise to late when the baby is there. I'd really feel for you and the dad.

Your dd sounds like she is depressed and not coping. Many mothers don't cope with a job and a baby or even just a baby!

The only thing that changed for me and I was similar to your dd was to give up work.
I know that may not be practical but giving up work allowed me the time I needed to work on a bond with my dd in between being miserable. Working meant I only saw baby tired or in the 'hard work' times like bedtime and baby was always grouchy and fussing.

Once I wasn't working i started to see the nicer days and the more fun bits as well as the horrible ones. Everyone abandoned me to look after baby alone because they couldn't justify being there as much when I was at home ft which actually ended up helping me because I was forced to get through it.

I now have the most incredible bond and dd is 9 years old but I would have happily handed her to my dh and left if I'd have had the chance much to my eternal shame and guilt I still feel around the whole situation. I would also look into if your dd has PND too.

i’m honestly shocked at how many people are saying it’s the ex that needs to sort his attitude out and that DD must have PND. If this was the other way around and it was the dad who couldn’t cope with having their child once a week they’d be useless, a deadbeat, yet as soon as it’s a woman “there must be SOMETHING wrong. There absolutely could be an underlying cause, or she could just not be interested and want to get back to her old life. Also I got the impression that the ex mentioned 50:50 custody because OP already has the baby 3 days a week. Although watching the baby 3 days a week and actual 50:50 custody is quite different.

OP I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I would definitely engage with the GP and maybe contact maternity at the hospital she had baby at for support from the perinatal mental health team to see if there’s an underlying cause for her behaviour. Whilst you can’t force DD to engage, you can make it clear that you feel she needs outside input. I wouldn’t jump straight into 50:50 custody yet (or at all of you don’t want to of course), but if you’re willing to continue to support ex with childcare I imagine that’d be appreciated.

im sorry you’re all in this situation. I really hope you can all come to a positive resolution.

Your DD has been through so much and she is still very young. We know for sure she has had a serious brain injury that has changed her and that a relationship she thought was forever ended unexpectedly leaving her the resident parent for a very young child. Those two things alone would be enough to derail anyone. If we add in the possibility that she might also have PND (and also possible PTSD given everything she has been through) it's not surprising she can't cope.

If I were you I would view this as a temporary setback on her part. It's far too soon to start thinking about court orders. Hopefully with time your DD will be stronger and able to reconnect with her D.C.

if the child is the Dad's priority he needs to step up here. He needs to become the resident parent because the mum can't cope. You are generously offering 3 days free childcare and he will have to find ways for the other two days like every other low paid parent does. He will need to investigate what financial support the state can offer.

You say you think you have been too supportive. I don't think there is such a thing but you might have been enabling her to some extent. Don't make the same mistake in enabling the Ex. He is just as much a parent as your DD is without the complications of brain injury or hormones and he needs to take the same responsibility she has for the last 9 months.

And it's very TYPICAL that everyone is shouting PND, mental health problems when she just might not want to be a mum anymore. Dads do it all the time but when a woman wants to just walk away she has to have some kind of mental illness!

No one is saying it has to be - but there is a good chance, especially given what she has been through, and to dismiss her as simply a bad mum is therefore not fair. Dads do it all the time, unfortunately yes that’s common. Mums doing it is not common. What is unfortunately very common for mums is PND. So to explore that first is the sensible thing.

This is exactly what I've just wrote. The father still getting the blame! It's so unfair.

Lack of sleep? She has him 1 day a week.

Doesn’t every parent have to work to provide for their children? Or is it better to live off the state ?

@Twindow the brain injury hasn't changed her personality since the baby has been born though has it.

Not to be dramatic or fearmongering but this could go really badly if she is forced to continue caring for the child, look up the Casey Anthony case...

I'd be sick to death of my child as well if she couldn't look after the baby for 1 day, goes on holiday and bragging about sleeping with someone and not asking about her child. My patience would wear thin quickly.

But because a woman is not wanting to be a mother it's everyone else's fault and some kind of excuse for her acting like this!

Perhaps it’s his way of acknowledging the role the Op plays in her grandchild’s life. Perhaps he thinks it would hurt her feelings if he didn’t include her as the child’s grandma.

@transitionday

And it's very TYPICAL that everyone is shouting PND, mental health problems when she just might not want to be a mum anymore. Dads do it all the time but when a woman wants to just walk away she has to have some kind of mental illness! If it was opposite here everyone would be calling the dad and giving him no excuses

The obvious difference is that women do actually experience pregnancy and chilbirth which does actually produce hormonal reactions that can be destabilising, especially if already emotionally vulnerable (from, say, a pre-existing brain injury) and subject to additional stress (say, for example, being left by your partner).

Dads do it all the time because they can and they want to. Women very, very, VERY rarely want to walk away from their children, due to the millions of years of evolutionary optimisation to protect and care for our young. So when they do, it's reasonable to at least EXPLORE the possibility that there is something else afoot.

It's difficult to tell from this whether she's got PND or just wasn't emotionally mature enough to cope with being a parent. I've worked in womens health for many years and it's surprisingly common for young adults to think they want a baby and have an idea of what it will be like but then simply can't cope when the baby arrives, or when the newborn phase wears off and they have a 12 month old teething baby who doesn't sleep. It's often the grandparents that have to pick up the slack.

I feel for you op. Working full time as a nurse is exhausting in itself without using your days off to look after your grandchild. You will end up burnout yourself before long.

SIL has stepped up to be the better person. Op wrote he has stepped up and does everything for his child including the bulk of care. I'd be pissed off if my daughter couldn't look after her child for 1 day as well but can go on holiday and not asked about said child.