Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Well maybe now circumstances have changed he's going to have to give up work to be a full time dad on benefits. Sometimes it happens. Clearly this is going to be one of those times. Personally I'd give up everything for my child and not prioritise my job. You don't need to work to look after the baby permanently. He can take a sabbatical at least then work out childcare and slowly return to work. I'm afraid his priorities have now changed.

No you haven’t enabled her behaviour she can’t by the sounds of it help it.

You’ve been supportive and that was the right thing to do. Now it’s clear that things are at this level her ex needs to step up - if you still offer help and childcare that’s up to you but please don’t label yourself an enabler, it sounds like she could have pnd

Also with her returning to work at 8 weeks was that her choice or did she have to ? That is very early and for someone with a previous brain injury could have been very overwhelming

They broke up shortly after the baby was born. What happened exactly?

You are an amazing grandma and it is great that you have a positive relationship with your grandson's father. This will be the key to your grandson's future wellbeing. If you can cope with the arrangement he has suggested I think you should do it.

I also think your daughter needs serious psychiatric support. From what you have said her lack of bond with her son is very much related to her brain injury and possibly, PND. However, that is separate from your grandson's needs and you have limited ability to force her to seek help, so you need to put him first. In time she may get well. The arrangement may also allow his Dad to build a career that supports him properly such that in the future he can live with his Dad full-time and visit you frequently so that you become a very involved granny rather than a parent. There is lots to look forward to because there is a gorgeous little boy involved, even if the road ahead looks bumpy.

I feel for your daughter, there’s definitely some mental health stuff going on with her. Her partner left her shortly after the baby was born which you admit has contributed to the difficulty bonding with her baby & yet you seem to put him on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum?

She also had a brain injury a few years ago which you say has affected her temper. She needs professional help, take her to the GP.

My heart breaks for all of you. I definitely agree with pp's in regards to PND. Is there a health visitor that you could be present while she's visiting? It's something that definitely need to be explored.

You've done your best, it sounds like you're blaming yourself a little/wondering if you could've done things differently but you did what was needed to make sure the little one was safe and cared for.

Yes. Absolutely. Contact adult social care or the HV and ask for an early help referral.

Totally agree. Maybe he doesn’t want to be on benefits either or without a job. Perhaps he wants to be a decent father who can provide for his child and has a decent place to live. He needs some support to get there. His parents don’t sound interested or caring. They also don’t sound like they want their grandchild staying with them.

OP, you have my sympathies. Situations like this evolve slowly and you do what you can to help in the hope that things will sort themselves out — and then suddenly it becomes clear that this isn't going to sort itself out. I don't think you've enabled her/ them you've tried to help in what's clearly a complex situation.

Agree with those who ask for some empathy for the father. He's very young and would never have imagined having to be a single parent. Sounds as if he's been poorly parented himself. He's just trying to work out a way forward. I imagine he sees you as the only responsible adult he can lean on for advice and support. In times of stress like this people say and do all kinds of daft things as they grope their way to a solution. If it's going to work, he'll need support and encouragement — not knocking.

The most important person in all this is the baby and his interests need to be represented. I'm guessing Social Services need to be involved on his behalf. I have friends who foster babies and I know there are specialist SS teams who have experience with this sort of situation and will work with the mother. Health visitor and GP also need to be involved. Good luck. It sounds like a nightmare. So glad the baby has you in his life.

This.

This actually happened to a neighbour of mine. After the break down of her relationship, she wanted to give her babies to be adopted. The nan accepted responsibility. The dad met, and moved into a new partners ready made family. He barely sees his children occasional weekends. The nan has them, all of the time. The mum is completely detached from them and rarely sees them. It has damaged their relationship. I believe you'll end up being the main parent for this grandchild. They're both trying to find an easy way out of this responsibility.

I would step back and say that social services need to be involved. If they do decide to adopt out the baby, then don't worry because it would be loved. There are many couples who cannot have a baby naturally. There is nothing wrong with giving an unwanted baby, to a couple who desperately want one. This situation is not ideal for the baby, to grow up in. It's going to feel unloved by its mum, and understand it's a strange set up (by friends comparisons). It would be kinder to give this child a happier and stable home with loving parents.

It’s difficult, because as you acknowledge, by you helping so much you have enabled her to check out as she feels she can do, as you will pick up the slack. I think all her talk about not wanting to be a mum etc is a bluff as she is expecting you and her ex to step in and have your dgs, with her being able to be free and single just popping into his life now and again from the sidelines. The reality is that should you step back and not be as accommodating, she would be forced to look after her son, like some mums have to do who might at some point felt exactly the same. She sounds spoilt and self entitled and needs a few harsh words of reality.

Lunadreamer why do you think his attitude is shocking? He's admitted he needs to work in order to provide for him. He's never claimed benefits in his life. He has no family to support him

it seemed to me from the opening post that it was ingrained in him that he had to work. That he was the provider. It’s still the way society works.

Hey OP, you could look at an SGO www.gov.uk/apply-special-guardian

Special guardianship order or an kinship order through the courts, or you could look at some more informal whilst DD seeks the help she needs in terms of mental health or how she’s feeling. Her Brain injury might have masked possible post partum and with the split things have spiralled.

are you in a position to look after your Grand son for the time being all the time? He needs some stability right now and to feel loved and wanted and that place sounds like it is with you.

Oh OP this sounds like such a tough situation.

I think that your daughter needs support with her mental health. This behaviour and lack of bonding is a massive red flag for postnatal depression and her behaviour could also be affected by her brain injury too. Can you approach the GP or health visitor with your concerns? Sounds like she needs a referral to perinatal mental health services.

If I was you, I would support her ex with childcare as you are now and try and get your daughter to engage with mental health support. Failing that you could contact children’s Social Services for support.

Would it possible (if she’s willing), for her to live with you for a while? Perhaps it’s the company/ live in support she needs.

It’s extremely difficult to step back and leave children to their fate with a parent or parents who for various reasons are less than ideal.

You need to get social services involved, your DGS is vulnerable (and so I think is your daughter). The care arrangements for your DGS need careful management and you are not best placed to do this, because it is very very obvious from your posts that you massively favour your ex-SIL and judge your daughter, which must hurt her enormously when he has let her and she is struggling. They need someone independent to take a view on the situation and work out what is best for DGS.

The brain injury has obviously left your DD emotionally volatile. What treatment/ongoing care is she receiving? A lot of mothers get pND, her pre-existing emotional instability surely predisposes her for this - what involvement has she had with HV? She needs a lot more support than she's getting - not just people taking the baby off her, but focussed support around her wellbeing and enabling her to parent more effectively. I imagine that with the departure of her partner she is feeling overwhelmed and unsafe while parenting and that is why she is avoiding it as much as possible.

However, it sounds that as his father is not willing to step up to the role of single parent properly (as literally millions of women in his position have had no choice but to do) fostering may be a sensible option, as your DGS is regrettably not safe with your DD at present (nor, if his family are as dysfunctional as you say, is he likely to be safe with his dad while he is living in their home). Family fostering is preferred for continuity - if you have your own home and an existing relationship with the baby, you would be ideal to foster him, but you should definitely do this formally and with the involvement of social services, especially with regards to arrangements for contact with each of his parents, as I think your bias against your DD is likely to complicate this side of things.

As both you and ex-SIL work and can't look after the baby full time, whoever has him will either need to pay for childcare or work part time and claim benefits - again, as single mothers have had to do since time immemorial if the father wouldn't or couldn't step up to the plate. The problem here to be fair is low wages and the exorbitant cost of childcare, so no fault of your ex-SIL's - however he seems to think he is or should be exempt from the consequences of this, which single mothers endure all the time, because... what? He is a man? I wonder in the case of a vulnerable child like your DGS, whether any funds can be made available for a nursery place at least some of the time, in the interests of his wellbeing?

Poor little boy. I really hope things work out for all of you, for his sake.

I personally would not want my dgs single parent to have to give up work, if I could help avoid that. I don’t think that it will be good for the child to be brought up in poverty or for the parent to live in poverty and find it hard to return to work. And I certainly don’t think it is good for them to live in poverty with his dysfunctional family. This is a chance to break the generational cycle of dysfunction, not to step back and watch my grandchild walk back into it!

as fo all the pp say, ‘he can use day care’ well depending on his income, his wages may simply not cover that. Many single parents with young children find themselves locked out of the job market because of this. Or they find they can keep on working as they have family to help.

However, it sounds that as his father is not willing to step up to the role of single parent properly

it doesn’t sound like that at all.

I'd sit them both down and tell them I'm not being the main childcare of the baby, and if they cannot make this work, they should give up the baby and put him into foster care then for adoption. Maybe it will give them both the kick up the backside they clearly need. Being a parent is fucking hard, they knew that beforehand, they can't back out now just because they've split up or make you do it. They need to grow up and work on it, get support, learn how to be parents and stop pretending they are free to go partying. They aren't, they wanted the baby, they have to step up.

Well that’s an interesting reframing!

The other way to look at this is that he isn’t asking to be exempt from consequences, he is asking for family support with childcare to enable him to keep on working and look after his child. Many low income single mothers do this to keep working. Many higher earning mothers do too!

In fact, many dual parent higher earning parents do this too!

@KatharineofAragon
Totally agree. Maybe he doesn’t want to be on benefits either or without a job. Perhaps he wants to be a decent father who can provide for his child and has a decent place to live. He needs some support to get there. His parents don’t sound interested or caring. They also don’t sound like they want their grandchild staying with them.

Whereas women left holding the baby are absolutely delighted to find themselves claiming benefits and abandoning their hopes of a career in order to care for their kids and keep a roof over their head when the father bails out?

Of course he doesn't want to be on benefits. Contrary to popular belief, no-one does. Of course he wants to be able to work. But that isn't always the lot of a single parent without support. Women left holding the baby do it anyway, because they have to in order to look after their kids. Whereas this guy seems certain there must be a woman, any woman, somewhere, who will do this work for him and support him to continue his life as normal. Because he's a guy, right?