Fed up with my son. Not fair on my other children

[Notoschool]

Ok so there is some history with mental health issues . We are waiting on CAMHS. I often chase them up but its a long waiting list .

I have posted about the situation before under this name. But also once or twice under other names. I can't even remember what names they were . But its my way of trying to stay anon. But trying to give a bit of back ground as well.

So my son has some issues going on which effect his mental health/moods etc. We have had social services involved but they left. Also tried to get him counselling and support whilst we are waiting for CAMHS. But he refused to engage. Social services left because there's basically nothing they can do. So that leaves us waiting for CAMHS.

Today's post is about how fed up I am with walking on egg shells around him and my other children have to suffer as well. He spends most of the nights awake till silly o clock. He gets up about 12.30/1.30 in the afternoon. It's just me and him in the house. Sometimes he's in the living room . Some times in his room. I go to get my children from school at 2pm and get home around 4.15.

As soon as we are home . He gets his ps5 puts it on in the living room . This would not be a problem. BUT every time my 6 and 7 year old make a bit of kiddie type noise. Or interact with each other . Or have a low volume on their tablets or ask a question. He starts on them constantly telling them turn it down. Be quite, stop it. Don't sit there , ds6 playing In garden don't make noise with that. Basically they can't be kids.

Now compared to what it was a few months back he is better . But he is still quite aggressive in his tone and body language to me. Some of it could be me as I have had it go on for so long that I'm expecting it so maybe it's in my head.

I do tell him to leave them alone over and over again. But I get met with the aggressive tone . I don't know how to explain it he kind of trys to shut me down.

Hes not been to school in a long time. He has agreed to go to college in September that is a massive step for him. And he seems positive about it. But im to scared to say to mich to him about how he is with his younger siblings incase I rock the boat to much and we go back to stage one . I just keep telling myself roll on September. And then he might have a focus. And maybe meet friends and things might get better.

I just want my kids to be kids 😔

@Notoschool
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OP this is how you apply for an EHCP. The fist step is to gat the assessment.

please please do it AND speak to IPSEA/SOS sen.

www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

You seem to be going down the path of least resistance here. PLEASE apply. I know this stuff. This is the process you need to access services and establish WHY he is acting out to the extent he is and fix it.

I'm still not quite sure why you wont put the PS5 in his room, I understand that the problem I much deeper but it would appear to solve the immediate issue.

I am.assuming that the reason you haven't completely removed the PS5 is because you are scared that he will react aggressively if you do so?

I would call social services today and say that you can not cope any more, that your son is aggressive and you fear that he will attack you and you younger children. I would say that you need him taken into emergency care today. I think if you keep saying this you will find there is more help forthcoming.

I think that you also need to stop pinning your hopes on September. Without support and help (as others have said) college may not work out. If he's aggressive to others on the course - who will be less easy to bully into compliance than you or his younger siblings - when they won't be silent he could very well end up being excluded. College will not be an environment he can control and if he makes it unsafe for others he'll be excluded, you need to put things in place to stop it from getting to that point.

This sounds more behavioural. He needs boundaries and quickly to realise he is not in control. Give him 3 time warnings I.e. half an hour left and then it's time to put your game in your room so that everyone can watch TV. At the end if still not moved turn the WiFi off you pay the bills here don't forget it. If he starts kicking off and being violent towards you call the police and get yourselves out of that environment. Atleast you will have a record to show to the social worker. Don't allow yourself to be bullied. Boundaries are incredibly important especially when dealing with mental health/autism. If he doesn't like something he has the option of removing himself to his room. For every kick off he has you change the WiFi password that day so he can't get online.

"You should put him into foster care for the sake of your two other children."

Based on what the OP has said it is very unlikely that social services would remove him. He isn't regularly physically aggressive towards her. He isn't aggressive towards his siblings. The OP could push for residential provision that could happen in time but SS are very unlikely to just remove on asking.

This is a really tough situation.whats going on is wrong.vut the boy IS one of her children too. From all descriptions given he doesn't sound like a bad kid.he sounds I'll yes,which creates these behaviours but god the venom towards him.the stuff he's doing to his family and siblings will be I'm sure killing him inside.being like he is if I'll will be torture.
He's a child too.a human.who is seriously mixed up right now.
Op I'm sorry your here.camhs are a shit heap of shit.absolute fucking shit.
U can put aside that your doing anything wrong there. I know that doesn't help sort the situation but just don't bang your head against a brick wall thinking you're not doing something. Because they are absolutely completely useless. And often do more harm than good because they simply don't know what they're doing either! Is there anything that brings him out of himself. You talk about college is there anything you can do together or or he can do with the kids or does he need to go out and get some bits and bobs for college. Could you talk to him about if you need any help with certain studies to get ready? I'm just thinking of tiny little things that can break up but I know he's really tough. And I know you need more help than that but but it might be by at least anything anything at all but can break up the day for you all and find at least some moments where there is calm. Or at least where you can find yourself and get on a little. And maybe he can get some confidence and some self-worth and see that he's doing a really good thing. Because I see a lad he's really mixed up and probably hates himself for it. But it perpetuates the cycle of doing it it when he feels that shame and doesn't know where to put it and so lashes out. And he feels your pain too and the kids but so the cycle continues of shame anger and lashing out. Have you also tried self referral via the NHS therapie portal. There's also better health where you can get a therapists who do it online? Does he know how to cook question mark is there a way you can bring into the family or getting to help that makes him feel like he's doing something good. So you could say listen soon I'm struggling with this this and this at the moment I wondered whether you could help me out out. And I'm thinking of cooking because it seems like the least chore based thing that he could get agro over.things that make him feel needed.or could you say right son you all grown up now I think it's time you and me did some meal preps and I thought you had to be the chef in the family. Just anything to try and break up those bits to try and build his confidence and try and help you lot do stuff together or apart that can bolster you all.
Also ways to get him off the ps5 without "kicking him off" ifyswim. Your going about it via asking to do something
Else.

It might be worth speaking to your local women's aid. Mine have a child on parent violence and abuse team. The children's worker would try to engage with your son and the adult worker will offer you advice and support. Even if they don't have a COPVA team they may still be able to offer you support.
I think the advice of pp is very good. He comes downstairs with his ps5, all go upstairs to watch a film or go out somewhere. This will take power away from him without confrontation.

Where are the childrens fathers ? Surely they need to step up ?

OP I wad the younger sibling. For the love of all that is holy please keep on at everyone re their safety and safeguarding.

DBro was ultimately failed too, clear he is badly dyslexic, ADHD, OCD and possibly ASD, excusing his behaviour meant he went undiagnosed, failed at school and has next to no qualifications.

No one seems to be understanding this . It does not work like that. You can't just tell social services to put your child in care does not work like that.

He went to social services himself at ind point to pur himself in care they told him to go home. They called me checked where I live . And told him you live down the road now go home your not going in care .

He did have a social worker for a bit. He used to take ds to Costa and then would talk . About things counselling was out in place. But they cut their services so it dud not last . In other things ds refused to engage. Oh social services offered family therapy. Ds refused. And they said they can't force it.

I agree with every poster who said to call the police. I have worked in mental health and still stand by this. You will be doing him a favour in the long run (it will also be reported as a safeguarding issue and might well speed up CAMHS, make sure you call GP also and let them know it’s so serious that you had to call the police)

call the police every single time you are scared for the safety of you or your other children, every time.

I find this reply very sad and harsh, especially the 'put him in care' part!

Not underestimating the real struggles OP is having, but...he needs to be shown love still just like the other children....he is still OP's child, and he clearly has lots of emotional difficulties.

OP you say he likes his gaming, is it possible he might have a gaming addiction that is making him aggressive and causing/making worse his mental health issues? I understand never letting him play the PS5 at all may not seem fair at his age, but perhaps it needs drastically limiting, or if he won't agree to this then maybe you might have to bite the bullet and remove it for awhile? The initial kickback may be difficult but he still needs boundaries as much as a younger child.If his dad isnt around/you dont have a partner and you are scared for yours or your other children's safety, then is there perhaps a male family member or friend who could support to help you feel safe whilst you're tackling the issue with DS?

Or could you get him some counselling to help? (I understand if that's not an affordable option though) or perhaps speak to SS who may get a family support worker to help you?

Try to approach difficult conversations with a non blaming and supportive stance, which it does sound like you are trying hard to do already! He needs boundaries, but also love right now

@Nothappyatwork - You know full well that there are a lot of children who do not have fathers involved in their lives. OP also describes herself as being alone with this. So why the faux innocent question about where the fathers are?

It’s not unreasonable to ask where the other parent is and why they aren’t assisting in this scenario. Social services will certainly explore all family members before Coffee not for foster care.

This might be completely unrealistic but could he be referred to a special school that is residential? A friend's daughter works in one and some of the kids can be quite violent and aggressive but the staff are incredible. It sounds so stressful for you and the other DC. I am trying to think of solutions for you. Could your DC go stay with grandparents or a relative in the short term? I would be worried that they are living in a permanent state of flight or fight - you too. How long has this been going on?

I can’t get my head around anyone allowing a 15 year old to carry on like this. OP, you say he is bigger than you now and you are scared of him. But it has been going on for years, and frankly, you should have sorted it years ago. A 15 year old refusing to go to school, then staying up all night playing video games and terrorising the household? It’s appalling. Disgusting, actually. You need to get a grip and sort him out. He didn’t turn into this overnight.

The first thing I’d do is get a bin bag and gather up all his stuff, including the games console and the internet router, and take it to the tip. Problem solved. The second thing I would do is find a boot camp and enrol him in it - today. Sounds to me like he could do with the discipline.

Social services will have no choice but to get involved if you phoned them up, told them you are at breaking point and he is not welcome to stay with you anymore. Tell them you have packed his bags and he is out.

Harsh but families have to be at breaking point to get help. They will try and get you to allow him to stay, but you have to remain firm. Maybe then residential may be looked at? or even foster care.

Unless you do this, your on your own. Sorry but services are so underfunded.

Thank you never knew it was simple as that.

At the very least you need a family support worker.

can you talk to him gently about how he speaks to the other children? Can you say it’s their home too and they need a safe space to express themselves and play every day.

I am thinking he has manipulated you. You have given him all the power. You have no say.

try to understand you are in charge? You need to command respect- at least tell him he must stay in his room to play ps5?

this problem will not go away unless you change your approach- you definitely need support though to do it

dont pin your hopes on Camhs he could quite easily manipulate them and he would simply get discharged

OP I think you should continue to involve Social Services because the more you badger the more likely you are to get support.
There is also Yvonne Newbolds facebook group where you can find advice and support from others in similar situations of young people with controlling behaviour.

Sorry I have only scanned the thread but I don’t think your problem here is a games console and the position of it. It doesn’t sound as though your 15 year old and your younger children are bonded and your teen resents his siblings. I feel sorry for your teenage son; I think he probably needs a lot of love and attention (I’m sure you give him those things). My advise would be to just keep doing that. In my experience with rebelling teenagers, I’ve found that it’s vital that the parent/adult carer remains strong and stable. When I was going through it myself, I likened it to a ship in rough seas. I simply kept stable, kept loving, supporting and encouraging. I wouldn’t worry about school but keep encouraging him to consider college or a job. But don’t rush it. Maybe some responsibility around the house. Something you need help with, fixing a shed or something. Maybe tell him the job is overwhelming for you alone - would he help if you pay him a little?

I couldn’t even begin to contemplate putting my child into care and I’m not sure how this would help him. Threatening it himself is a cry for attention and help.

Just keep loving him. Parenthood shows you resources of patience and strength you never knew you had, but you can do this. He’ll turn out alright.

I agree, @LoonyIdea. On one of OP’s previous threads she was advised by several posters not to deregister and EHE because parents often find it easier to get support when DC is on a school’s roll even if they don’t actually attend. She was also advised to apply for an EHCNA and told how to secure medical needs tuition under s.19 of the education act 1996.

He will need an EHCP for that.

If he's being violent, call the police. Put the wind up him. Mental health issues or not, he cannot be allowed to rule the household and terrorise his younger siblings.