Wwyd about friend who is always late?

[ColourfulOnesie]

I have a friend who is absolutely amazing in every way, I love her for so many different things except…
She is always late
And I mean always
I’m not talking 5 or 10 minutes either, I’m talking, if you arrange to meet at 6 she’ll text you at 7:15 to say she’s just drying her hair

I’ve known her for years and have always just laughed it off and made funny little comments about living in her own time zone etc

However for some reason now it is really starting to irritate me
I will literally be sat dressed and ready for an hour waiting for her to say she’s ready and recently by the time it rolls around I’m usually over it and have to really muster up some enthusiasm to even meet up with her
When we’re together we always have a fabulous time though

Wwyd about this? Accept it as a quirk or … what?

It is a really interesting read, and I think in some cases other people need to make minor adjustments to accommodate their friend of colleague. So for your work, I would expect your manager to say ok work is at 9am but as long as you're here between 8:45-915 that is acceptable.

Do alarms and things not work for you?

I have a friend who is always late but she is also very selfish and entitled. We are not mates anymore!

I had a friend like this.
I began to turn up half an hour after the agreed meeting time - she was still late but I only waited 5-10 mins.

One day I ran an errand then went to meet her & she complained that I was late. My response was that I never arrive at the agreed time as she is always half an hour or more late.
She shut up complaining.

It became too much for me so now I see her, she says we must get together for coffee or lunch to catch up. I say yes, great idea message me a couple dates/times/places & well get it in the diary.
She never messages.

My time is important and I have more self respect that to run around after her any more.

@CafeNervosa

*really nice people will try really hard to have regular systems in place to try to offset the issue.

I think I read from your post that you have ADHD so I think you’ll know that it’s not easy to be consistent.*

It's not easy to be consistent and sometimes it all gets the better of me and I'm a bit late. I struggle with other elements of executive function that I don't have good control over so I understand that as well.

However, this post is about a friend who is consistently very late to the extent that it affects the OP time and time again. The friend clearly hasn't tried to put something in place to help this or she would sometimes manage to be a lot less late. If the friend was 1 hour + late to work every day she'd be sacked so she probably does have the wherewithal to be less late than that.

@INeedNewShoes i totally agree.

Sorry for somewhat railroading this thread.

@Bunce1 thank you for your message. I’m working on making alarms work better for me - it’s like in my head each task is achievable in an impossibly short and optimistic timeframe. If I have lots of time, I massively procrastinate until there isn’t enough time left. It sounds really daft and for years I’ve beaten myself up for not being smarter being able to adjust something that is so simple. But it’s like every day is a new day when it comes to routines. I have to remember to clean my teeth every day which takes mental energy. It’s difficult to explain or justify why I can’t manage something so obvious - when in other areas I’m intelligent (honestly!).

ive heard of someone who has set a routine number of alarms that play a certain song while a task is being performed, so that it breaks down a routine into 2-3 minute chunks to keep on track.

OP, I am sorry for distracting from your issue. I would say that level of lateness that is consistent without apology may simply be someone being inconsiderate. Talk to her kindly and find out.

@Bunce1 if my boss said 8.45 to 9.15 I’d arrive at 9.18… ridiculous I know.

My main contention is with those posters who are unfailingly confident in their contention that if you’re late it’s because you don’t care and are a fundamentally not good person worth knowing. There are worse crimes.

I don't think anyone on here has said that people who are constantly late aren't good people. What they have said is that they're not prepared to stand around like lemons while their friends mess them around and just turn up when they feel like it.

I've been the friend left standing outside like an idiot because someone else was late - and it really stings. You feel stupid, forgotten and embarrassed. I appreciate some people have ADHD or other issues with executive function (I have autism so I do get the struggles), but that doesn't make it sting any less when you're sat there feeling forgotten because Jane is late again.

Yes, there are worse crimes than being late, but that doesn't mean people have to put up with it. ADHD might be a valid reason for being late, but other people are allowed to say that they don't want to be friends with someone who can't be on time too.

"it's not possible for me to learn to put things in place; so I'll just keep you waiting".

You're an adult. Learn.

Many of us set times so that we don't have to be waiting around. Some of us have other things to do.

In my opinion your friend is disrespectful and doesn't value other people's time. If she did she wouldn't keep you waiting like that. I'd slowly phase her out and stop making plans.

I had a friend like this and one day, not long after DS was born, she wanted to meet for coffee. I got there and she messaged me saying she would be 10 minutes late as she was just leaving. I sat in Costa with my newborn baby for 2 hours before giving up and going home. She messaged me an hour after I left asking where I was sat because she couldn't see me. I told her it was too late and I've not seen her since. It was the final straw for me.

She had been the same for years though. We were going away together and she had to come to my place so we could all get picked up. Turned up late as she hadn't finished packing and got annoyed with everyone because we were annoyed that she was so last minute. I can't even count how many times she left me waiting for her in restaurants and coffee shops. Much better off now with people who respect my time and don't leave me hanging like a fool.

I could have written your post OP, had a friend who behaved in exactly the same way even down to timescales. Perfectly capable of getting to work on time, dating etc... It was a total lack of respect. I tried all sorts - making a joke out of it, changing meeting times so the actual delay was less, explaining that I found it hurtful as I was making an effort to drive into the city and see her yet that effort wasn't reciprocated. One time she kept me waiting so long in a cafe when she arrived I literally got up and left as my lunch break had finished and I had a meeting to attend. Still no change.

Matters came to a head when she said she was planning to visit myself and baby DC at home who was not long out of NICU.
I got a text just after the agreed time saying she was in another town an hour away. I replied OK. When she eventually arrived 2 hours later I refused to answer the door, partly from anger and partly because I was preoccupied with DC.

We haven't spoken since.

I had a friend in my teens who did this and eventually I stopped going out or said I’d pick her up on route to collecting someone else and if she wasn’t ready, I’d tell her the bus route and leave. She got the hint in the end but she did it to lots of people and everyone got annoyed with it. Eventually she stopped getting asked to go anywhere and asked people why no one invited her anymore: when they broke it to her that they were annoyed waiting around for her, she seemed completely clueless. It shows complete lack of respect for someone else’s time or, in some situations, safety (hanging around on your own for ages , waiting for someone, sometimes late at night). I’d have it out with her and say how it makes you feel. Honesty is the best policy.

I still miss my friend years later as we had a great laugh together but having my DC made me realise my time is too precious to waste on people who don't respect me, fun or not.

I have dropped friends for much less than this
its so selfish and rude

That’s the point I was making. If it’s genuinely impossible for you to arrive on time and no measures could possibly help you then it’s better to just be honest. ‘Yes I can come but I won’t be on time so you’ll need to stand around waiting.’ At least then you’ve been honest with them and yourself about what’s going to happen, and they can make an informed decision if they want to meet you or not.

I had one friend like that when DS was little, well she was more the mum of DS's friend than my friend but we got along well. I used to avoid meeting up for a thing, like lunch, and instead would say "I'll be in X park from 10am, if you're around I'll see you there and we might go to Y cafe for coffee/lunch after". I wouldn't tell DS because he would have been disappointed if his friend didn't turn up, but he had a happy surprise if they did.

Does she ever tell you she's running late like a quick call or text or are you literally just sat there waiting everytime? Not that it makes much difference but I just wondered.

A close friend (no kids or dependants) did this all the time to me and our group of friends. She said she had anxiety and it'd take a lot of building up in her head to get out the door sometimes. We'd ask her each time where/when suited her best, would book odd days off work so we could keep it casual for her, suggest just going to one of our houses so it wouldn't be a big deal etc but everytime she'd either cancel last minute or just not show at all with no word whatsoever. Sometimes she'd say she forgot, other times we would see her being tagged on social media being out with other people. Sorry to say that this went on for years and it was the last straw when she showed up late for a friends wedding, right in the middle of them saying their vows, slamming the door as she walked in. There is only so much people can take until you realise they just don't give a flying monkeys about your time.

Try talking seriously and honestly to your friend OP but if it carries on I'd seriously reconsider how you spend your precious time.

So I’m always the late friend. I don’t mean to be, I’m just really bad at time-keeping. No matter how much I try I’m pretty much always rushing and always late.

I also, relatively recently, got diagnosed as being neuro diverse and this was a discussion point with my psychologist who explained the link between that and being late. It’s not an excuse, it just helped me to understand why I manage so badly and she helped me to try and think of ways to manage it more effectively. Before this I had no idea - I’m not old but I’m not young either.

Even before my diagnosis I asked people to tell me we were meeting up much earlier than we were. It might sound daft but it helps to some degree.

I appreciate the friends who understood me being late was just me, even before my diagnosis. To all those saying ‘ditch your friend’ - you’re the sh!tty friends. Seriously don’t ditch your friend. If you ditch your friend (or are even considering it!) purely because they’re always running late then you probably aren’t really friends anyways. I very much doubt they are doing this on purpose and I also doubt this is them not valuing you or your time 🤷‍♀️

Something no one has mentioned yet is the people with the inner child yelling "you can't tell me what to do!". Those are the ones who respond to boundary setting. Once they realise they miss out, they tend to get better.

@CafeNervosa

I hear you 🪴

You’re not a shitty friend for not wanting to stand around for over an hour while someone dries their hair and relaxes at home. Being a good friend doesn’t mean tolerating bad treatment because ‘it’s kind.’

I can't bear to be left waiting (without good reason) and have not kept up with late people as it makes me so stressed.

I wonder if all the late people should be friends with each other in a world where time is meaningless and they never go to the cinema or theatre of make a reservation or catch a plane or train.

Good grief, what are you? A professional victim? get a grip.

@Kanaloa

“You’re not a shitty friend for not wanting to stand around for over an hour while someone dries their hair and relaxes at home. Being a good friend doesn’t mean tolerating bad treatment because ‘it’s kind.’”

Bad treatment? What planet are you on? Who said she was relaxing at home? The OP said she was drying her hair.

Some people genuinely struggle with time. I am one of them. I’m talking from my own experience when I say that I don’t not value other people or their time, I just really struggle with it. I can understand if someone chose not to meet up or cancelled on me because I was late but not ditch me as a friend entirely.bIf a friend wanted to ditch me as a friend purely because of their time-keeping then IMO they aren’t worth having in my life. I really do try my best, it causes even more stress which in turn makes me more late because I can’t focus on the task in hand and end up being forgetful so everything takes longer. That being said I have much better qualities than being able to stick to time and I am otherwise an awesome friend. So if they can’t see that then that’s their loss. Luckily the friends I have understand this.

OP have a chat with your friend if it bothers you. But she may not change. If your friendship is genuine I wouldn’t ditch her completely just for that. But I’d suggest agreeing a time an hour earlier than the actual time you are due to meet. Good luck.

think about this….

Would you tell a blind person to look harder?

Would you tell someone who has dyslexia to read more or try harder?

ADHD is a really difficult condition to deal with, I have it and so does my son. No matter how hard you try it’s a real struggle to get anywhere on time it’s like over procrastinating that’s the only way I can describe it, the harder I try to be on time the more late I am 😟

What's her reason for it?

I'm another ADHD person. It is actually upsetting to know people are waiting on me, but I still can't ever get my shit together. But I'm lucky to have understanding friends. When we make arrangements they say something like "The thing starts at 19:00 so let's meet between 18:00 and 18:30?" I'll then try hard to be there for 18:00, but not start having an anxiety attack if I'm running "late". That leeway means I'm rarely late late.

As for that shit about "I bet you're never late for an appointment!" Well, actually, I usually arrive 2 hours early (because I spent 4 hours preparing), then sit in the car, then misjudge how long it takes to get into the building, and still end up a few mins late! 5 mins rather than 30+ though. You have no idea how frustrating it is to be so early and still be late! You have no idea what goes into being on time for a ADHD person.

”a professional victim”

WTAF. The poster has already explained that she has ADHD …which is considered a disability. Yet here you are posting cr@p like this. How ignorant are you? Do you take the p!$$ out of people in wheelchairs too? *smh