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Original poster

Wwyd about friend who is always late?

184 replies

ColourfulOnesie · 03/07/2022 16:18

I have a friend who is absolutely amazing in every way, I love her for so many different things except…
She is always late
And I mean always
I’m not talking 5 or 10 minutes either, I’m talking, if you arrange to meet at 6 she’ll text you at 7:15 to say she’s just drying her hair

I’ve known her for years and have always just laughed it off and made funny little comments about living in her own time zone etc

However for some reason now it is really starting to irritate me
I will literally be sat dressed and ready for an hour waiting for her to say she’s ready and recently by the time it rolls around I’m usually over it and have to really muster up some enthusiasm to even meet up with her
When we’re together we always have a fabulous time though

Wwyd about this? Accept it as a quirk or … what?

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 04/07/2022 00:25

My mum is always late by about 30 minutes and it drives me insane so god knows how you cope.
The way I deal with it is give my mum and earlier time than everyone else. If we're due to meet at 1, I tell her it's half 12.

BreadInCaptivity · 04/07/2022 00:56

I was in a social circle with a couple who were like this. We'd book a restaurant for example and they'd breeze in an hour or more late every time (by which time the rest of us were ready to start eating our own legs and also utterly embarrassed re: the restaurant and delaying ordering).

They were the same for any event, a dinner party at someone's house, meeting up to visit an attraction with the children etc

They just didn't care or give any thought at all to the impact they had on everyone else. They had no difficulty being on time when it mattered to them and expected other people to be on time for their arrangements. Basically it was just selfishnesses not poor planning.

Upshot is we all got sick of it and made a pact to simply "crack on" without them.

If we went to eat out and we had eaten our main course before they arrived - so what? We'd also leave when we had finished dessert/coffee and not wait for them.

If they weren't on time for a children's activity same again. We'd just stick to the timetable.

They didn't like it. Thought we were mean Hmm and a few strops were to be had, the end result of which was a few hard truths told about respecting your friends by not continually wasting their time.

They are not friends any more and that's fine by me - they can waste someone else's time.

So my advice is just stop pandering to it. If she's more than 15 mins late just text her and cancel. Then crack on with your own plans.

Bunty55 · 04/07/2022 01:12

I am like this and always have been. I do not know why, but I do know I don't like arriving early for anything. It makes me anxious. There is a sort of comfort in getting somewhere and knowing it has started and I can just blend in.........

BreadInCaptivity · 04/07/2022 01:19

Bunty55 · 04/07/2022 01:12

I am like this and always have been. I do not know why, but I do know I don't like arriving early for anything. It makes me anxious. There is a sort of comfort in getting somewhere and knowing it has started and I can just blend in.........

But you don't "blend in".

You stand out for being late whether you realise it or not.

To be fair if you're going to a house party and the invitation says 7pm onwards then it's fine not to turn up at 7pm on the dot, but I'd expect most guests to have arrived by 7.30/8.00pm.

On the other hand if it's a sit down meal I'd expect everyone to be on time or 5/10 mins late at the most because as the cook I'll have prepared food to eat based on specific timings.

Same again if you're meeting a group at a restaurant. Being late means everyone waiting to order food, but if it's a group going to the pub for a few drinks, it's not so big a deal.

However if you're meeting just one person then be on time. It's not fair to leave them sitting alone waiting for you. What about their anxiety being alone in a public place?

Toddlerteaplease · 04/07/2022 01:27

I have a friend like this. I've put up with it until now. But after that last time when he was 40 minutes late, I've had enough. I will be firmer with him.

Bunty55 · 04/07/2022 01:32

It depends on what I have to be on time for. If it was meeting a friend and keeping them waiting I would not do that. I would not cause anyone to feel angry or anxious. However if it is a large group situation i would rather be late or at the back of the queue than early and at the front.
In the past I have started to get ready for appointments and left it too late to go, and felt massive relief at the time. It's a thing.

Having said that I am never the first to leave... I think it is more about decision making which I am not good at. So I get why some people are late for things.

MermaidMummy06 · 04/07/2022 02:01

I challenge the disorganised rubbish that people roll out. It's just disrespectful & self absorbed behaviour.

I've a friend who either last minute cancels, doesn't have time to meet up when asked, is late because she decides to run an errand first or texts she's there, already ordering her coffee 30 min before meet up time. Everything is on her terms & whim. If it's something SHE wants to do, the level of organisation & time management is astounding. I've downgraded her to casual chat at the school gate & kid playdate friendship.

My DH is not a morning person, always sleeping in & leaving me to deal with DC, washing etc. Unless it's his hobby group. Then he's up super early, all organised & out the door 15-30 min early.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 04/07/2022 02:32

My best friend is like this tell them the time a hour earlier so say meeting at 5 instead of 6 and head there yourself for 6 solves all the issues I would prefer to keep my friendship then lose it over time keeping

Trivester · 04/07/2022 04:15

I have a friend like this - I allow a buffer of an hour or else meet at hers and go from there so we can chat and catch up through her last minute preparations.

She’s a lovely person, just completely scatterbrained. There’s no point taking it personally - it’s not about me; it’s just how she is.

ThatsRoughBuddy · 04/07/2022 04:54

I cant be doing with people being properly late time after time. So frustrating.

You know what’s worse than the persistent rudeness? They never ever text/call you to let you know BEFORE the time you’re due to meet. Without fail I'd text 10 minutes after and ask where they were and THEN they'd let me know they were going to be late. No shit, Sherlock.

You’re meeting at 8pm and it takes 30 minutes to get there? At 7.25 (at the very latest!) you'll know you're running late so that's when you text/call!

I had one friend who was always late. I told her it pissed me off. She stopped being late. Because she cared about our friendship and was happy to make the effort to be on time once she knew. I mean, it blows my mind she needed telling people don’t like waiting around but at least she did change once she realised. A couple of other friends kept up with the bullshit excuses so now I don’t meet up with them.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/07/2022 05:03

My friends like this. I lie to her and say let's meet 2 hours earlier than I mean..

Starseeking · 04/07/2022 05:12

Stop meeting with her.

I eventually had to do this to one friend after arriving somewhere on time, and letting friend know. Friend saying "I'm just coming", then she left me sitting on a bench in a random area for over an hour. Her journey was only 20 minutes as we'd purposely met near her home, so she didn't leave her house to go out until over 40 minutes after the time we'd agreed to meet.

I still speak to this friend every now and then, I just refuse to meet with her for social outings.

lljkk · 04/07/2022 05:28

I humbly submit that many people are more tolerant of rampant lateness than this thread makes out. As a reformed late person, I can find some tolerance.

90% I deal with it by I go to her house at the right time & we leave together from there. Chat while she gets ready. She sometimes confuses me by popping out the door, all ready, at moment I arrive (!!)

What drags on me is I when I suggest "come to mine at 4pm" or "any time after 4pm". At 445pm she texts to say "Are you ready for me to come around?" Why didn't she believe me when we previously discussed at length, 4pm? And it's hard to do anything with short notice.

daisychain01 · 04/07/2022 05:45

CoffeeChocolateGin · 03/07/2022 20:15

I'd just tell them an earlier time. It is a quirk. Some people are just like this, they find it hard to manage their own time / don't think about how long it takes to do certain tasks.
Also, depending on the activity you had planned to do together would depend how cross I would be. Meeting at someone's house for a drink, wouldn't bother me. Meeting a group of friends somewhere also wouldn't annoy me. Just me and late friend meeting out, would annoy me very much.

Why do you have to modify your behaviour and think in advance about how to adjust due to their lack of respect and consideration. The meeting time is the meeting time, and if they cannot be bothered to keep to that commitment then quite frankly stuff 'em.

I'd give it 20 mins tops before I walk off and abandon the arrangement. Then it would be 3 strikes and they're out, I wouldn't arrange a meet up ever again. Can't be arsed with people like that.

Oblomov22 · 04/07/2022 05:49

I wouldn't tolerate it.

Snog · 04/07/2022 05:51

I have a relative like this who is usually several hours late. She lives in London and my family and I go there periodically for a day out. She always says "why didn't you tell me you were coming we could have met up."
However I don't want my day ruined by all of us waiting for her for hours. If I asked to meet her at 11, she'd end up catching up with us 2 or 3 hours later which just grinds my gears.
If people keep me waiting a long time it kills the mood for me.

Dacquoise · 04/07/2022 05:52

I have just finished a very long friendship partly for issues with timekeeping. She turned up nearly one and a half hours late for a twenty minute journey her end. I had travelled for two and a half hours to get there, on time. BS excuses that didn't add up.

Then turned up half an hour late for an hours journey which I suspect was a bit of a f**k you as I had started to put in proper boundaries for other issues. Every card or gift was preceeded by a text saying it would be late, even though she put them through her works mail room. Didn't have to get to a post office.

Like other pps have said, didn't have issues being on time when it mattered so my conclusion was that she felt superior and entitled to keep me waiting. You could give her a warning and then decide if you want to keep the friendship.

However, I think I contributed to the issue by not speaking up earlier about it. I let it go, she probably thought it was okay to behave that way. I would nip this in the bud asap now.

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/07/2022 05:58

She really doesn't give a shit about you. I doubt she's late to hospital appointments, work etc. I wouldn't bother with her how you've done it for so long I don't know. I would have not bothered with her after the first time.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 04/07/2022 06:23

It's just selfishness and bad manners.

I once had a friend who was constantly late. I got so sick of waiting for her that I just gave up and went home - I got a stroppy phone call off her asking me where I was - two hours later Hmm

We no longer speak to each other.

fluffyrugmat · 04/07/2022 06:46

@Justleaveitblankthen my dh missed a flight for work once. Not everyone is good at time keeping, some people really struggle with it.
OP I agree with PP firstly tell her that it's an issue then if she's always late then invest your time in someone else.
My dh is late for everything. He used to spend so much energy trying to make sure he was at work on time it would have burnt him out if he did the same all weekend too. Friends who couldn't put up with him being late are no longer friends and that's ok.

He has friends who can work around it so it hasn't meant he's got no friends.
I know he's not doing it on purpose and certainly is mortified about friends saying they won't be seeing him again but it's not something he seems to be able to get on top of so I'd be honest with your friend and see what they say and if she can't be on time it's your choice to not be friends with someone if it annoys you enough.

Isonthecase · 04/07/2022 07:59

I'm baffled by the people who think that people who are regularly late for social stuff can manage for things like hospital appointments. No, they can't. Unless it is literally the most important thing for them for ages and they can afford to expend massive amounts of energy making sure they are on track to be literally 45+ minutes early so the extra things that crop up make them only 5 minutes early they will be late for those things too or rush in barely on time and looking flustered.

FourChimneys · 04/07/2022 08:21

It's rude and I have very low levels of tolerance for it.

I run my own business, providing a service from my premises. I am busy and have very little time between clients. One used to arrive 10 or 15 minutes late, claiming "poor executive function" then was put out that their appointment would be correspondingly shorter for the same fee. And no, I'm not going to delay the appointments afterwards so that they can have the full time.

Just sort yourself out and stop being so disrespectful.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/07/2022 08:31

If she's a good friend in other ways I would keep seeing her, but plan not to turn up until an hour or so after the agreed time. That way you won't be stuck waiting for her, and if she has a problem with it she can stop meeting up with you.

merrymelodies · 04/07/2022 08:33

I too have a problem with timekeeping because of ADHD. Thanks to my phone, I am now able to arrive at appointments on time as I have alerts to prompt me! This feature is a game changer.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/07/2022 08:58

From the other side: I get very anxious when people are late. I suppose I must worry that they are not coming at all, there is a bit of me that feels like a small child abandoned in a shopping centre. ( I don’t think this ever happened). I have ended friendships because of chronic lateness on the other side. I don’t mean real one off problems with traffic or unforeseen circumstances, I just mean people being unreliable ( or reliably late). It was an absolute game changer in romantic relationships, I nearly didn’t continue in the early stages with my now husband of forty years because he was a bit ( casual) about time keeping.luckily he liked me enough to make the effort to be on time.

So being offended or upset with people being late is not just being prickly or demanding, for some of us it is a real cause of anxiety, and just best avoided .