The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

The ones about people are worse (and my mum had some shockers when my dad died but I won't write them out as they're not really mine to share) but when people say about your dog or cat 'You can always get another one', it hurts at first but then I just feel sorry for them. They've never 'known' an animal - they've never had that delightful experience of communication across the species barrier, that lovely moment when you know perfectly well that you and another being have just personally understood each other, even though you're a human and they're a different species.

Now I'm questioning myself because I have always been brought up that if someone suffered a bereavement, I always take a lasagne or a casserole so they don't need to cook and always some homemade cakes because normally you get more visitors and end up making them tea and saves the family having Tom sort out biscuits and cakes etc.

Not quite at the bereavement point, but when we were told that all treatment was being withdrawn and my late DH probably only had a week or so left, I let my boss know (my doctor had signed me off work with stress a few weeks earlier and I'd been nursing DH so he could die at home) Boss then, very impatiently, told me off for 'not being positive enough' and that miracles happen.

She'd always been one of those people who refused to acknowledge problems, but that took the biscuit.

When my dad died, one of his nieces told me how devastated she was

When I got back to work, none of my colleagues said anything to me, that was so hurtful.

When I asked my mum about a piece of jewellery I’d bought her, she told she no longer wore it as everything had gone wrong (dad dying amount other things) since she’d started wearing it. Thanks.

And another with mum, she has to be reminded that I’m also grieving my dad

This is appalling. So sorry.

I put my foot in it by acknowledging to someone with terminal cancer that I couldn't say that when i was offering heartfelt good wishes for their current condition...It clearly upset them and I felt terrible, I still regret it deeply.

Don’t question it! Totally normal to bring food; a friend left a cake on my doorstep after my mum died and, while I wasn’t in an “eat cake” mood, having calories on hand was vital.

@mumof2many1943 that is absolutely vile. I'm so sorry you had to hear those words from another person.

My sister was killed in a car crash when I was 17. It was about 3 weeks between her death and the funeral. Someone actually asked me if the funeral was delayed because they hadn't found all the pieces of her body. I can't remember my answer.

I think that was the worst comment but I did find people would ask me stuff as they didn't want upset my parents. Clearly at age 17 I wouldn't be upset.

At my brother's funeral, a pious old lady - well-known to us, and certainly familiar enough with the family to know we're not Believers - came up to my mum and dad and me, patted my mother on the hand and said, with almost a smile, "He's in a better place now."

I nearly decked her.

@BunglezippyGeorge I think your post got lost amongst the other replies...sorry for your shocking loss, and for that ridiculous comment. All strength to you and your family, hope you get the answers you need.

When my mother died suddenly I was the one who found her. Within minutes of hearing my nephew’s attention seeking girlfriend went around telling everyone at a social event they were at. Then my nephew announced it on Facebook garnering all the sympathetic responses for himself. All without consulting me. I don’t know why that hurts so much to this day

I think saying I didn't see eye to eye with your father, but he always put his family first, is absolutely fine. I think saying he was always full of hot air is unnecessary and hurtful.
I like if people express sympathy but acknowledge they were not personally on good terms. I remember an Aunt saying to my mum what a lovely man my father was. As soon as my Aunt left, my mum said she didn't think that when he was alive. My mum wasn't offended, but we all knew she was lying.

I think sending chocolates is fine. There are no implications you are going to be eating them whilst having a really fun time.

A colleague, on hearing my father had died, said “oh well, circle of life and all that”.

The weird thing was that the horrified silence and stares in the office that followed this remark just made me want to laugh hysterically. The memory still makes me giggle. I’ve no idea why.

Truly shocking comments on here! I wish people would think first before coming out with such hurtful comments

I’m one of those people who don’t tend to think before they speak but even I’m extra careful around people who have sick relatives or someone who has just died

I think this is quite usual though & I don't resent it. I'm a little surprised you are as gobsmacked as you are.

Why don’t you go the whole hog and walk up to the poster’s husband and say ’I’m sorry you’re upset and grieving, but you really shouldn’t be surprised that your mother doesn’t give a shit’? Jesus.

I think the people posting along the lines ‘Actually I don’t think what they said to you
was that bad’ are missing the point of the thread somewhat.

After my first miscarriage I was told that I couldn’t have a staff collection or flowers because no one knew why I was off. I returned to work to be asked my another line manager how my annual leave had been. There was also a message on a work group WhatsApp from someone who else saying “thanks for the flowers following my miscarriage”….that no one else knew about before the fact either.
my mother said “at least you can get pregnant” and then preceded to tell me that nurses had forgotten how to nurse (I wasn’t consented properly and future appointments such as my 12 week scan hadn’t been cancelled…and many more things!)

when my grandpa was dying of oral cancer people at work had a conversation about how it wasn’t very palatable and that they would want buried overlooking a hill….

my second miscarriage - my mother hasn’t come near me. Very few people have said they are sorry to hear it. Everyone is asking if I am back to normal or if I’m going to try again. Not all the same thing as others on the thread have experienced but it’s just highlighted how lonely grief is

These are heartbreaking, I'm so sorry for all of you who've been told such things after losing someone you loved

My best friend died in a car accident. It devastated me and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it even though it was years ago now. I was talking with a couple of colleagues and mentioned it and the fact that sadly the accident seems to have been their fault.

One actually said "oh, well then" turning away, shrugging and dropping his previous sympathy - as if my wonderful friend actually deserved to die because they'd made a mistake hundreds of people do every week.

How I kept my composure I still don't know.

My DMIL was widowed young when her DH died of cancer at 26. My DH was 7 months old. A week after the funeral someone said to her at least you still have DS and don’t worry as your still young enough to find another man to be dad

After my mum died my mums best friend said to me at least you can do what you want with the house now
a couple of months after my mum died she told me that my dad and mum have ruined my life

i dont have anything to do with her anymore

I’ve had two

Ex-FIL died. My boss begrudgingly let me have a couple of days off to support Ex-DH, who actually was just fiancé at the time - it was six months before we got married. I wasn’t allowed anymore because we weren’t actually family and it was against rules. A few months later a colleagues fiancés mum died and it was “such a shame a few months before the wedding” and that he could have as much time off as he wanted. I totally flipped

Then, when ex-MIL died my ex-DH and myself had been living with her to help care for her while my ex-SIL was waltzing around the world with her DH for years on end for work (we are talking 3/4/5 year contracts). They were miraculously in the country when she died, and the following morning we were told “we need to get the house on the market”. Selfish pair

Upon the death of my mother...I was told it was not such a bad thing as I would inherit lots of money. She ran a business and when I informed some of her customers, who she had known for 10-20 years about what had happened, they remarked it was a shame as they could not get her services so cheap elsewhere...they were in sheer panic at their loss, and not mine!

Oh no, please don't stop being so kind! You sound very thoughtful and generous.
It was just the gift of a box of chocolates 'to cheer you up' seemed so...odd.
She is a dear friend but sometimes not the most tactful.