The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

When my mum died(72), following a massive stroke and being put on the Liverpool pathway (basically, no medication and then the saline drip was removed, so that she died of dehydration), my Mother In Law (since died) said "It's just as well she's dead, she was a cabbage anyway" Cunt.

My grandfather was very artistic and had a studio at the bottom of the garden. A few weeks after he died the mother of a friend, so a vague acquaintance, sought out my mother to ask what was happening to his equipment and was there anything that she could have!

My own dad died. Mum and I had gone out shopping together for the first time afterwards. It was a huge effort and I was close to tears if anyone spoke to me about him. It was Christmas time and we were in a discount store buying some odd bits for presents. We literally had one shopping basket. Someone my mum knew spoke to her and said "Sorry to hear about your husband" then pointed at the shopping basket and said "but good to see he left you well provided for anyway!"

Now recalling the funeral director who said we could have as long as we liked for the service “As we’re not that busy, wish we had them lined up”. DO YOU REALLY

@UWhatNow I totally agree. I've now had 3 dogs put to sleep, and I can honestly say that the grief I suffered from each of those deaths, outweighed the grief I felt when my dad passed. It's ok for me to say that about myself. I wouldn't dream of comparing my grief of my beautiful dogs to someone who had lost a member of their family or a friend, let alone someone who had lost their child.

From age 12 I was brought up by my grandparents. Both parents still around but not very involved.

When I called my dad to tell him my granny died his response was “That’s a shame. I can’t talk now I’m just going out to the football. I’ll call you tomorrow”.

Ten years later when my grandfather died (and he was my real dad in all but biology) my dad again said “it’s not like losing your father. You’ve got to have expected he’d die while you were young” (I was mid 40s!)

Such empathy.

When my Uncle (now NC) told me at my Grans who was late 90’s funeral that it was much harder for him to loose his mum in his 70’s as she’d been around so much longer than mine.

My mum had died 3 years earlier then my dad (his brother) the year after her. I was in my very early twenties. Hmm wonder why I’m now no contact

When my Dad died my boss asked me if I'd be in work the next day as it would do me good and take my mind off things and she was short staffed. I was also told by my aunt that it was part of growing up.

When Mum died my boss (a different one) said she'd had a good innings. Well yes she had, but I didn't need to see it.

Mum died the day after my 5th wedding anniversary, the last time I saw her was on my anniversary. When I said that to my uncle he said 'oh well, it could have been worse, she could have died at Christmas'.

@BunglezippyGeorge I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I hope you get some answers soon and that other people are much kinder to you and your sister

Both my parents died within a week of each other and we had a joint funeral. One relative (who lives some distance admittedly) said " At least we haven't had to come all this way twice"

My partner died (46), had ambulance out around 10 times last year. His cousin decided to put it on Facebook (he hadn’t seen him or spoken to him in years but felt he had the right to do this). I was not happy as it was only a couple of hours after he passed and I had many people to tell.

anyway I eventually added my own post later that day after we had told family and close friends. The next morning I could see my neighbours chatting, 2 seconds later a chap on the door. ‘Sorry to hear about xx here’s a card I said thanks then she said ‘so what actually happened then’ I was a bit taken aback and she kept pushing ‘just because we saw the ambulance so wondered what actually happened’.

I said well he’s been in and out of hospital all year. Can’t remember what she said next but was along the same lines and I said I need to go, he died less than 24hrs ago?

The most bizarre was when my dad died when I was a youngish adult; and this not very mentally healthy older female acquaintance said to me, 'Well, it would be OK if your mother died too, because you could come and live with me'.

My Dad took his own life aged 48, he was hit by a train. When my Mum and I were out shopping a few weeks later, we were stopped by an aquaintance of Mum and Dad who asked whether Dad had jumped from the railway bridge or lay on the tracks... Sounds unbelievable, unfortunately it's true.

I think sometimes people do genuinely not know what to say and end up putting their foot in it.

When my dad died, I had (from 3 well intentioned colleagues):

• You're joking!
• So I hear your dad's dead then (as a conversation opener), and...
• I know what you're going through, I've been stressed too as my hamster has been really ill.

I'm not excusing some of the dreadful comments on here though.

I'll admit to one of these... a colleague's dad died and when I saw her a week later I said, "Well I guess you're coming to terms with it now." She was horrified and said, "It's only been a week," and I was mortified.

I have a habit of saying stupid things, and often I avoid saying anything as I know I'm likely to come out with something like that!

I may be unusual, but I would much rather have silence than a hurtful comment, even if or especially if well-meant. The worst for me is 'You must be strong for (other family members).' The second worst, perhaps unreasonably, is 'It must be hard for you at this time of year' (Christmas or other holiday)- since my parents never did the 'big holidays' in a big way at least beyond my childhood, and this, however well-meant, is a misrepresentation of them and of what was important in our relationship. The best is a simple 'I am sorry for your loss', without any advice or intrusiveness.

The stuff people think they can say when the deceased had suffered some kind of addiction absolutely beggars belief. Similar happened to me.

I get that. I mean I wouldn't say it but
My mum has just died from sepsis with end stage dementia and is partly why I believe euthanasia should be legal
I would much rather she had died from a heart attack at the start of dementia and so would she, it's an awful condition and the end stages are horrific

When my DH's brother died and we were all at the wake very sad, DH's mum announced loudly she wished it had been DH that died rather than his brother because she preferred his brother.

DH is very quiet, gentle soul so just sat and said nothing. I will never, ever forget what she said, it colours everything she does for me now.

I did have a colleague ask why I didn't attend my husbands post mortem. It would apparently have been "interesting"

She was not renowned for her tact.

Many years ago my first pregnancy end in a still birth.

Unfortunately, on being discharged from hospital my then, husband and I had to immediately go and stay with his family for a week, nothing to do with the still birth just something we had to be at their house for.

Not only were there no words of condolence, callous or otherwise, from anybody there but no one made any mention of what had happened the whole time we were there.

The only time it was mentioned was when a couple of relatives of theirs visited and one of visitors asked me how much longer I had until the baby was due.

Everyone sat there in silence while I explained to her that I'd lost the baby the week before.

I think any clumsy words would have been better than that.

Slightly different situation, but after my father died, my DM went into an undertakers to make initial enquiries. Young woman on reception: Oh, I'm glad you came in, I was getting really bored today.

The worst for me is 'You must be strong...

Oh yes. I had it said to me (as an instruction) throughout my DH's illness and after he died. Along with the 'be positive' stuff.
I couldn't help but take it as them thinking I wasn't already being, or doing a good enough job of it. Especially the being strong thing. I mean, jeeze, I have never had to be so strong in my life, for him and for my DDs, and I hope I never have to be again. Why the fuck would I need telling to 'be strong'?

Please people. Never say that to anyone nursing a terminally ill person, or who's been bereaved. They're already using they ounce of strength that they have.

When my grandmother died, I believe one of her family was surprised that she was flying over for the funeral - since "you didn't come to your father's funeral".
Now, not only had she been over for several months earlier that year trying to help out, but, when her father had died nearly 20 years before, she was heavily pregnant with my younger sister. Her pregnancies were all high risk and she didn't dare leave the care of the obstetrician who knew her very well. The decision not to travel was made before her father died, when the option would have been to travel to the UK but not be able to return till after my sister was born. Furthermore, her father had been seriously ill a year before he died, and that time she did visit, along with me, age 1.

The "you're joking" responses reminds me of something that happened to my late MIL. She had to write to a number of older relatives to let them know her mother had died. They had been great correspondents. MIL's handwriting was sufficiently like her own mother's writing that many of these relatives got an awful shock when they opened their letters.

Day after the mass for my stillborn daughter, "you can always try for another one."

My story is not as horrifying as others - but upsetting at the time. My DF was working as an electrician when he died. At his funeral, one of his colleagues wanted to know what I was going to do with his van and tools.