The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

I dont think that was insensitive to be honest.

I'm so sorry. People did this to me too when my husband died.
Horrible.

neither do I.

When my mum died, my MIL said, “You won’t miss her as you didn’t live near her”. Only lived 1.5hrs from my parents and sat with my mum as she took her last breaths.

After a very close relative died of throat cancer a neighbour stopped me to discuss her throat polyp - why would I want to know?

Years ago a Primary School teacher said that the little girl of six that I had been comforting, “ She should have got over it by now.” Her three year old brother had died of meningitis in the school holidays and had been due to start school that week.
I looked her straight in the eye and said I still haven’t got over my baby sister dying and sometimes still cry and I’m 56. Then I walked off.
I never felt the same about that colleague after such a crass, unfeeling remark.

I agree. I don't think there's anything massively wrong with either of those.

Nor do I think it's odd to take someone chocolates when visiting after a bereavement. Lots of people use chocolate as a comfort.

I also don't think "Get well soon" in inappropriate following a miscarriage. When I had mine it did feel like something I needed to recover from and get well soon wasn't an offensive sentiment in the least. Nor were the chocolates I was sent in the post.

Yes. But using one’s grief In some kind of “one upmanship” or to try and explain empathy is wrong

Omg that’s disgusting! I’m so so sorry that you have a MIL like that! She would 100% be outta my life if that’s the way she gets on! 😡
I’m also very sorry to you & your partner as u’ve said “your first miscarriage “ - I’m so sorry xx

MIL said something similar. She also wouldn't come to the funeral because "oh no, I don't really like things like that. Too sad!"
Oh. Okay. Her son and I were planning to make it a party and have a fucking laugh.
DH was secretly very upset his own mum (and dad) didn't support him/us that day. My family came but none of his did. At least he could lean on us.

My DH lost his Nan and then his own father a few months later. An aunt suggested ‘you won’t need nans money now, as your dads left you loads’!?!

Part of my work involves supporting bereaved people, I think I’ve heard it all over the years
Some people are clumsy with their words, others are thoughtless, others are simply vile.

Sending love to everyone who’s had to deal with hurtful words at such a heartbreaking time

Not nearly as awful as some of these but: my dad was dying in the local hospice in December. Some carol singers visited the hospice to perform and the choir leader asked us 'looking forward to Christmas?' Err not really!

My son died and someone assured me they knew how I felt because their aunty's dog had died.
Someone else insisted on telling me how upset they were when their cat died and she had kept the cat's ashes... (having asked me what I was going to do with my son's ashes).
Both these comments left me lost for words.
People can be so insensitive. It is extraordinary.

A friend of mine from school died suddenly a few years ago in shocking circumstances (let’s call her Sheila). A few days later another girl we went to school with messaged me on Facebook and asked what had happened re Sheila? As if it wasn’t clear enough that she’d died. I explained that she had sadly passed away, she knew Sheila fairly well so I expected her to be sympathetic. Her response was “oh, that’s a shame. How have you been anyway?” Could not believe it.

This is the thing. Threads like these just put people off saying anything. Some of the apparently terrible things mentioned here were said in an attempt to be sympathetic.

I said Are you joking when someone phoned me up and told me my closest friend had died. I knew they were not joking, it was sheer disbelief. We had coffee together the day before and she seemed perfectly healthy and well.

I had 3 sisters, including a set of twins.
One of my sisters died very suddenly and she was young so all in all a massive shock.

The sheer number of people that kept saying to my mum “well at least you’ve got the other twin left” was astounding to me. 🙈😳. They are her daughters not pieces of chicken!

My beloved mum died just a week before my first child was born, I'm an only child. She so desperately wanted to meet Dd if only briefly. When I expressed this I was plagued by 'oh, but she can see her!' comments; I don't have a faith so this meant nothing to me, it made things worse actually as I had to button my lip and smile sweetly. I'm sure it came from a good place but I just felt more bereft than ever.

Not so much as insensitive remarks but more a total lack of. I volunteered for 10 years for my local hospice charity doing many different tasks giving them 10+ hours a week at least. Then a very close family member became terminal with cancer and that became my focus . When they died , not a murmur from anyone at the charity that were fully aware of what was going on in my life.

When our son died a colleague said, well it's not like losing one of your own.....our beautiful boy was adopted!!

I agree. They found something nice to say without lying.

After I had a miscarriage I was crying at my mother's house and sobbed that "she didn't have a chance at life" to which she replied " I felt the same when my mum died five years ago"

For the avoidance of doubt, Nan was 90, had been happily married, 3 children, 8 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren when she died.

We suffered a stillbirth and had our son 10 months later. Husband's ex girlfriend;

"Congratulations on the birth of your son. Suppose you are happy that this one made it 🙄"

Our gobs were smacked at went NC after.

Truly awful. I'm so sorry you had to experience it all.