The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

These are just awful.
The worst I had was no condolences at all from my colleagues. When my co-worker had a bereavement our manager told everyone, and co-worker was showered with condolences, cards and “take as much time as you need”. When my dad died our manager didn’t tell anyone and was quite cold to me. When I got back to work, not a single person said a kind word. It was pretty hurtful. I’m certain it was deliberate- manager just didn’t like me.

The love of my life died within a year of our meeting, from a short but horrible illness. A friend said to me "Well, at least you hadn't known her very long."

Yeah, at least that, eh?

The words "at least" should be erased from all condolence messages and phrases. It never, ever helps.

Plenty of evidence to show that owners can grieve for a dog in the same way they grieve for people.

Crass to her to have said it, but in her mind, she had felt the mind blowing numbness of grief.

People don't always know what to say do they. I don't believe anyone tries to be heartless or purposefully mean.

It's not 'just a dog' to the majority of dog owners. That's all I was saying.

My BF, who is widowed, says that too. That her parents in law can never replace their son and her kids can never replace her father, but she can find love again. She is heartbroken but their grief is worse and she will have another partner.

I could understand if he were a child (as I was and my mother never comforted me). But an adult? That’s normal. The younger generation support the older ones.

Oh, and another stunning comment….

my darling brother commited suicide nearly 25 years ago. Among the condolences was a chirpy phone call from an elderly neighbour who said how sorry she was that “he had brought shame upon the family”
breathtakingly horrible thing to say really😠

My dad died suddenly and one of mums neighbours asked her if she’d considered remarrying as “Joe wouldn’t want you to be lonely” The day after he’d died.

After a miscarriage the Dr said 'Don't cry, it could be worse, some people stay pregnant and end up with a disabled child'

Agreed.

Both my parents are dead. Have had a variation of some of the things already mentioned in this thread said to me. However, not one of those things bothered me even half as much as the silence or avoidance of others who thought that was a better way to deal with the situation.

People are awkward, incredibly so when it comes to death, but I think that those who at least acknowledge it with words, even when they’re clumsy or horribly inappropriate, are at least trying.

@Eastie77Returns

Probably, they could have.

I don't think it's terrible though, having heard very many bald statements at Irish funerals over the years

My DH died very suddenly of a brain haemorrhage at just 36, leaving me widowed with two babies.
Three days later, one of his sisters, on arriving to stay for the funeral, said to me “I never liked you, but given current circumstances I think I can put that on one side.”
I was speechless, which perhaps was just as well..

My gran died at 67 after a very short battle with cancer. She was like a mother to me. My ex boyfriend's mother said "least she lived a long life, not everyone can say that".

I got the You’re joking comment from a few people. It was sheer shock at a completely unexpected and sudden death.

I also couldn’t eat after a sudden bereavement. Someone said at least you can take advantage and lose some weight now.

@Sellingstress
We are going through exactly the same thing with my MIL now. Not one query for my DH or kids who are all devastated. I feel awful for her but bitting my tongue off not to say something!

It wasn't really condolences but I remember going back to work after Dd died from meningitis aged 3. A colleague made a comment about how she'd thought we were mad taking her to Kenya the year before for a holiday..... with the meningitis belt in Africa and all. First of all, the meningitis belt crosses Ethiopia to the north and we were nowhere near it. Secondly, it was a year before she died. It really came across as a suggestion that it was all my fault for taking her on holiday a year before it happened. I was obviously a mess and genuinely questioned whether it was my fault for years.

It’s a blessing….
No it really isn’t

My aunt (who I'd lived with for most of my life) died suddenly when I was at uni. I hung up the phone, still in complete shock, and told my housemate what had happened. She immediately asked me whether I'd be getting an inheritance

I agree with the other posters who said they didn't see what was wrong with that. I don't like flowers so would much prefer a box of chocolates as a condolence present, something that even if I didn't want I could just chuck in a cupboard rather than worrying about how to display, finding a vase for them, chucking them out when they die, etc. Lots of people lose their appetite when grieving so I assume she just thought they might be something you could pick at if you didn't feel up to cooking. Thinking that chocolates can only be "scoffed" when watching tv is a bizarre interpretation. I can't see how you could have read any of the horrendous comments on here and thought that a friend buying you chocolates was in any way comparable!

Things like that are WHY some people don't acknowledge a death at all, because for every person who would prefer their friends/acquaintances said something, even if slightly awkward, than ignore the topic completely (perfectly understandable), there's someone who will take great offence at the most innocuous comment/gift.

I had to take my mother in law's funeral as annual leave because apparently she wasn't immediate family.

Said to me about me dad.at his funeral "well he wasn't everyone's cup of tea was he but I'm sure your miss him". Still shocked!

I am so sorry for everyone who has experienced these terrible losses and then had to deal with horrific and hurtful, stupid comments.
What is wrong with people!

Too many to share unfortunately, but picked the "funniest".
Standing waiting for grandparent's funeral to begin. Old family friend: have you flown over especially?
Me: yes. It's the first time I've ever left my kids. It's very difficult.
Family friend: oh well make the most of your alone time and have some fun....

I was too upset to respond.

I don't like when people compare, and I would never do it.

I lost my mum when I was a young adult. I don't think it matters whether your mum is in her 40s or her 90s when she goes, it is still your mum.

Someone said to me after my mum had gone 'Oh, I know how you feel, my uncle died recently'. That person was about 15 years older than I was and still had both parents.

Whilst that person may have been extremely close to said uncle, maybe more so than their parents, I don't think it is at all helpful to someone grieving so intensely.

In the office telling my manager at the time i was pretty sure I was having a miscarriage, she told me i was unnecessarily gloomy, sung always look on the bright side of life to me as she walked away down the office and then in a loud voice in front of colleagues who didnt even know i was pregnant told me i couldnt get out of work early just because i might be having a miscarriage because she wanted to leave early to shop for her brothers baby (not born then, not due, the shopping could have been done any time)

So I had to sit in the office miscarrying my baby. Had I been totally with it I would have just gone home, but I was a bit in shock and not really thinking straight and so i stayed.

I requested, and got, transferred to another manager a week later

Oh my god @Soubriquet I had the exact same “we lost a grandchild too, you know” from MIL. No suicide attempt but she did vomit into my kitchen sink after the argument where she said that immortal line.

A funny thing was that when my mum was in hospital, one of my friends took her a card 'With Condolences'. My mum laughed about that.