The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

Last year I lost my OH to covid after being put on a ventilator in hospital.
After his passing, a friend of his said to me 'oh well at least he wouldn't have known anything about his death' and his wife then piped up 'you're young enough to eventually start again with someone else' - this was at the funeral !!😮 I just stood there thinking for fucks sake I can't believe what I've just heard.

I get that it's difficult to know what to say in that situation sometimes, particularly if you don't know the bereaved that well, but just 'I'm so sorry for your loss' would be perfectly acceptable really.

'It's been a week, when are you coming back to work as we're ahort staffed'

Supermarket Manager to a family member on losing her 13yr old son in a road traffic accident .....

My uncle who I was close to died the same weekend we told family we were expecting our first baby. My FIL commented "one in, one out". Never forgiven it.

We had this on our former pupils group when someone had died (suicide). This one particular woman, who is known for asking intrusive questions (she once asked me on Facebook if I was adopted because of something I’d posted about Long Lost Family), could not read the room and get that she was upsetting people.

Her: ‘Don’t recognise the name, who was he??’
Person who had shared news: ‘He was in Miss Stringer’s class’.
Her: ‘Oh right, don’t remember. How did he die?’
OP: ‘Sadly it seems he took his own life’.
Her: ‘So how do you know about it?’
OP: ‘His fiancée posted it’.
Her: ‘So are you friends with his fiancée then?’
OP: ‘No, she tagged him in the post’
Her: ‘Oh right; fair enough’.

Fair e-fucking-nough?! Stupid bloody woman.

They sleep at night because they’re not like you or I. They don’t care or have a conscience.

I can see your point of view, (from who it came from) but i can also see where that came from.

A girl in my class, who was 15, died by getting into a car her much older boyfriend drunkenly crashed into a wall in our village. When it was announced at school, one of my classmates started laughing, and when asked why, said that she's happy she's dead because she used to bully her.

She used to bully me too, but I thought that was a bit callous.

I’ve seen similar. I do think though that immaturity explains a lot. Many young people have no experience of grief and simply don’t get it.

My sister experienced the stillbirth of her first baby at 38 weeks. At the baby's funeral a 'friend' told her about somebody she knew whose baby had recently died at 2 weeks old, and that my sister was luckier than her for her baby dying before birth because "at least you don't know what you're missing".

You couldn’t be more right.

My mum had that experience. My sister passed away at five weeks. My mums supposed bestfriend at that time told her that as she had lost her two year old in a tragic accident her grief was far worse because her daughter was a “real person”. You couldn’t make it up.

My lovely dad dropped dead of a heart attack with no warning or prior ill health. He dropped me off at work and 20 minutes later he was dead. An early caller to the house greeted me with a huge smile and said "What a wonderful blessing! You must be so happy that he's with Jesus now!". His body was still lying on the floor in the front room.

Yes. Halle-bloody-lujah.

It wasn't even the local vicar (who, in the event, was very nice and not at all crass in their sympathy).

My OH died after a very late diagnosis of lung cancer. He was placed on a ventilator, and it was so distressing for all concerned, so you have my deepest sympathy. I had pretty much the same reaction at the funeral from a family member - ‘oh well, not too late to start again is it ?’. I well remember the FFS moment !! I met the man who is now my second husband only 7 months after I was widowed - much too soon for a relationship, but we became friends and eventually took the plunge. It was really difficult for me, and there was a lot of soul searching involved. Some time later I met an old friend I hadn’t seen for a long time and who didn’t know I had been widowed. Her first reaction was that I must have been devastated. When I told her I had met my partner and we were planning to marry later that year, she said ‘Oh, well, obviously not that devastated then !!’ I still can’t believe anyone could say something so callous.

Colleague whose mother had a terminal illness found herself in a lift with twat boss. Twat boss asked after mother, colleague was pleasantly surprised. Till he said "Because of course we'll have to arrange cover for any time off". And it dawned on colleague that basically he was asking if her mother could kindly arrange to die at a time convenient to the company.

I was 17 when my grandad died of a brain tumour. I am now 60 but I can still recall as though it were yesterday my mums half sister phoning her as he was on his deathbed and asking if she knew of the whereabouts of his will.

FFS, I am SO sorry for your loss and what you went through x 💐

When I was a Manager at a well known store,I got a call at 1pm to say her Mum had died that morning and she had a load of clothes she hadn’t worn,could she have a refund.

After i lost my husband, a very close friend at that time said, "Oh its nothing to divorce, at least you wont see him about!"
My reply, " Having been through both, i can assure you i wish it was JUST divorce!"
Went straight over her head.
I say to myself until you walk in my shoes..

First miscarriage:
"It was just a bunch of cells, it wasn't really a baby." - A fucking nurse on the women's* *ward, where I spent four days recovering and having "the remaining products of conception" removed after miscarrying my baby (at around 16 weeks pregnant) down an A&E toilet.

'It' was a baby and very much loved already. That incredibly insensitive fucking nurse and her words haunt me nearly a decade on.

Second miscarriage (consecutive):
"You're just unlucky, try again."

[Very grateful to have had three 'successful pregnancies' resulting in 'live births'. Fucking medical jargon though, who comes up with this shit?]

My dad died when I was 14. - 23 dec 91 home alone at my mothers. Phone call answered it to hear “ oh your dads dead. Get her to phone me”. That was the last time my sister spoke to me.

then when my grandparents died in 2016 my mother turns and says to me how do think I feel Iv just lost my parents.

my grandparents and my dad brought me up because my mother left when I was little because I was in the way of her life.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 thanks for your insight. After now having read the entire thread I see I am about the 20th person to say the same thing, but thanks anyway

I had three brilliant episodes after my husband died aged 45 leaving me 38 weeks pregnant . On the day of the funeral a friend who’d sold us our life insurance policy on David’s life had obviously forgotten he’d died and rang to ask if We’d like to increase the amount his life was insured for- I said I’d love to but unfortunately it was too late for that. A day after giving birth in abject misery a nurse bustled up to my bed and asked what I’d be doing re contraception when I got home and four weeks after his death when I was so sad with new baby plus three other children a student health visitor said she understood as she’d been devastated when her boyfriend’s granny had died ! Thank God I saw the funny side!

My partner died just after My 22nd birthday. 2 days after a friend asked me if I wanted some make up as I looked awful. Same person also saw the accident didn't know who it was at the time then later told me she thought it was a joyrider so deserved it.

The sad thing is that many of su don't know what to say. When - all those years ago - my DF died suddenly a neighbour used the Irish "I'm sorry for your trouble" which really was lovely

I think this is the kind of things people will say about my love when he goes...
He has partied for Europe and he enjoyed every second.
I would agree with it if they wrote it too!

But assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. So assuming he died because he drank and did drugs is perhaps a bit presumptuous... but she probably meant it well.