The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

I'm so sorry

I am so sorry you had to deal with that. X

Oh and I absolutely hate ‘you still have your memories’

idiots.

always always said by people who have never suffered a profound loss in thier lives

My estranged father died in 2020 from covid. He left home for another woman when I was little and divorced my DMother a long time ago but abondoned me and my DSiblings and left my DMum to bring us up by herself, I only seen him a small handful of times after that and the last time I actually seen him properly was about 20 years ago. I had seen him out and about in between then and when he died but he never recognised me.

I got no condolence message from my MIL. DH said to her that she should pass on her condolences to me, to which she told him “well, she barely knew him anyway, she doesn’t need my sympathy”

he was still my dad whether I knew him well or not and her comment really hurt me

I’m getting the same reaction from people I regarded as close friends. My 91 year old mum, who has deteriorated both mentally and physically since her diagnosis of vascular dementia 3 years ago, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the fourth time, having been treated successfully, including a mastectomy, on three previous occasions. This time, it’s aggressive, it’s a late diagnosis and it’s spread - she has debilitating fatigue, pain in her spine and bad headaches/hallucinations and the palliative/hormone treatment barely keeps the pain under control. She has months, if not weeks, left. Despite all of this, the reaction has been pretty much ‘well what do you expect at 91’ or ‘well she’s had a good long life’ and ‘we all have to die of something’. She’s still my mum and she’s in pain and distress, and I’m watching helplessly. You have to wonder how these people will cope when its’ their turn for the grief. So sorry, that turned into a rant !!

When my Grandads wife died, he received in a card "I'm sorry your wife is dead."

We could be twins. We had similar childhoods and I had the exact same thing christmas 2020 my father passed away from Covid. We had no relationship he left when i was two but when he passed i was devastated. What people don’t understand is when an estranged parent dies the hope that one day they might be what you need dies with them.

Do you really think that was inappropriate? I've taken flowers a card and chocolates to a bereaved person before telling her she might not have an appetite but to try to eat and maybe the chocs would be at least something in her system. I don't think you come across very well in your post

I lost my mum at Christmas. She was just 67 and I am 42. It wouldn’t have mattered if my mum had lived to 102. It still would have been the most heartbreaking tragedy to ever hit my life. Your mum is your mum and forever wouldnt be long enough to have her. The void is immeasurable. Sending you so much love ❤️

My SIL died young and with cancer, about 8months later my MIL died also of cancer. Someone who we don’t really know (apparently SIL BFF in her eyes, not in SIL and MIL found her overwhelming) said to my OH on the day of MIL funeral “she just wanted to be with ‘SIL’ she meant everything to her” my OH was stunned and shocked, later he said he should of said “I’m pretty sure she wanted to be with me and her grandchildren, I don’t think she chose to have cancer” I mean WTF so insensitive.

I really don’t think this is bad at all , your friend was just trying to be thoughtful.

Some years ago my godfather died very suddenly during a surgery. Two weeks later my godmother died. They had been childhood sweethearts & rarely left each other’s side (my godmother was disabled). I was absolutely heartbroken when my godfather died & inconsolable after my godmother died so soon.
I went to my boss to ask for a day off for my godmothers funeral. He said “well ok but it will be unpaid, can you organise your time off better in future?”. I was so infuriated that I said “ok I’ll ask all my relatives to tell me when they’re going to die next year shall I “ I was only about 18 & usually very shy but I received an apology from my boss & a round of applause from my colleagues.
Oh I’ve just remembered what a creep he was.

So sorry to hear that. That is so true. I was just shocked at how cold my MIL’s comment was. It made me feel awful.

I know people mourn the deaths of their pets, but a colleague’s remark a few days after my dad’s unexpected death, “I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you’ll be OK - when my dog died it took me a long time to get over it”, was way too much.

Not as bad as some of you but when I was going through treatment for breast cancer I had a cold caller selling life insurance. I told him he was unlikely to get it cheaper than what I already had as I had cancer. Without blinking he then asked if I had a funeral plan in place! Thankfully I have a sense of humour lol

We had the wake for my mum at her house. She had been a sudden death, too young. Phone rang during the event. It was someone trying to sell her life insurance. I said she was dead and it was her wake. He didn't believe me, so I handed the phone to my uncle who game him a mouthful.

I’ve had animals my whole life. When I was a child still living with it abusive parents the animals were everything. I was devastated when they died.

It doesn’t even come close to losing my child.

It’s an offensive comparison.

So many people don’t get that a) you grieve for them because they are still your parent and b) you can end up grieving for the parent you should have had too.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think this is a shock response, not one single person in the world would think that you were joking after passing on the news of the death of a loved one. As a retired cop I passed on many 'death messages' to loved ones and the majority would initially respond with a shocked you're kidding or you're joking. I don't think any malice is intended at all, it's utter shock

After DH died, lots of people said something along the lines of I'm young enough to meet someone else... highly fucking rude. Now 3 years on after I've met someone I really care about, the same people are judging me hard. People are crap.

I had a stillborn baby. On returning to work, I realised I could attend an event that I wouldn’t have been at because I would have been on maternity leave. My manager actually said ‘every cloud has a silver lining,’ in a team meeting. I just said ‘no’ and everyone else looked at the floor!

Do you know what’s really inappropriate and doesn’t ‘come across very well’? Pulling someone’s post apart when they were talking about their feelings after their mother’s death, even though many others have already said something similar - meaning you’re adding absolutely nothing to the discussion.

Ever heard of not kicking someone when they’re down?

I got one of these just after my mother died of cancer aged 56. From someone who knew me really well. I still think about it nearly 18 years later ..,,

That’s the thing - I always tell people: there is no guidebook, no ‘right’ way to feel or act. It hits us all differently and one day you can be fine then the next bawling in a corner.

Most often people just don’t know what to say. I had one a-hole going on a lot his sodding (not dead - he had to leave it behind when he returned to the U.K.) cat (he was a complete arse though with no empathy in his being and I couldn’t bear him at the best of times). I would have merrily popped him on the nose if he hadn’t been yoiked away by a friend who must’ve seen the smoke coming out of my ears.

Laughing now about it. When I was 33, I lost my Mother. A colleague at work said she knew how it felt to miss your Mama as her Mother lived in Scotland !!!!!... didn't laugh at the time.. but now this has reminded me what a complete shit of a person that colleague was !!