The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

Forgot to add.
my mother turned up that drunk to my fathers funeral she fell in the grave next to him.
and an amusing one.
my autistic youngest son at his grandfathers funeral goes up knocks on the coffin and says grandad you in there.

My daughter died at 3 days old…

“are you going to have another one?”
hadn’t even buried her. 😡

Having been very recently bereaved I wouldn't judge too harshly. It does funny things to you and sometimes you find yourself doing weirdly practical things which in hindsight I think are a mixture of shock and grief.

DH and his brother were both diagnosed with cancer in the same month. DH had a massive resection of his liver, ended up in ICU and was very unwell for many months. DBIL rang up the day after DHs op to ask what stage DHs cancer was and said he thought his own cancer would have a worse prognosis and so the wider family ought to be focussing on supporting DBIL rather than DH. I know DBL was always very chippy and competitive with his siblings, but to try to start a pissing contest about whose cancer was the most aggressive was the last straw in their relationship.
He died estranged by most of his family.

My boss asked me to arrange my Pa’s funeral on a Saturday so I didn’t have to take a day off. I didn’t.

Amen to that( pun intended) that ! What a horrible person.

When my father suddenly died. The Mum of a long time friend said, I wasn’t shocked he looked dreadful the last time I saw him and their neighbours said. That’s a shock. Your Mother has always been theill one

A week after my late husband passed 4 and a half years ago I met an elderly lady who I had known years.

She said to me "Our ????? (Not giving name) says ooh you won't get married again, unless he is a Christian"

To which my sharp response was "I will not be getting married again, fullstop"

The only reason I didn't slap her was cos she was 79 at the time.

At my husband celebration of life service, the lady in question said to one of my adult sons, "I think I might have upset your mom a few weeks ago"

My son replied "Oh yes I know" She said "Oh she told you then" To which my son replied "Oh yes"

I met my second husband, soul mate, best friend and the Dad he didn't have to be to my/our 4 when I was 40. No one can and will ever replace him nor do I want to meet anyone else.

I've had similar comments along the lines of "Your young! You will meet someone else" They always get the response of "I'm a married widow! No I won't"

The best response I gave was this one: it came out of no where and r the person was left gobsmacked.

Me: "You've lost your mom haven't you?"

Person: puzzled responds "Yes why?"

Me: "So when are you going out to get a new mom then?"

I then walked off with a smile leaving them gobsmacked. I've used it since too along with other putting in the place remarks.

You don't get over grief. It becomes a begrudging friend with love.

I lost my mom in 2010. It doesn't even come near losing my husband.

I don't even want to think about it re my adult children, grandchildren are concerned.

We came close to losing our 2nd son in 2012 and that was bad enough.

If I see a person who has lost someone I give them a hug. Words aren't needed.

In a card I will just sign it "With love and hugs"

You can't fix grief: you can only learn to live it.

Has I always say "How long will I love my husband?" Then I answer "All my life, so that is how long I will grieve"

Grief takes on different levels however grief is always there.

I don't do comparison as it's personal to each person

I remember clearly the morning after my husband passed waking up and looking at the news.

There was a tragic case, on the news the day before of a little girl that had died aged 3 in an accident.

I remember thinking "that is so sad" and I took a moment to reflect with my husband age of just 60.

It wasnt personal to me so I didn't feel it in the same way

I only ever had one person do compare: I managed to keep my mouth closed somehow. The compare was their 98 year old mom

Comparing is the worst

When my Nan died when I were 14, my dad said to my mum who was grieving "There's no point whinging about it, she's gone to her doom" No surprises there but I will never forget them words

@mumof2many1943 - from one adoptive mum to another, I’m absolutely incensed by that remark. I hope you punched the fucker.

I’m so sorry you lost your son 💐.

Are you still with this man???

Caring for a post partum mother distraught at the death of her stillborn daughter...Doctor walks into the room (without knocking) interrupts our conversation by declaring the woman will.require blood transfusion (non- emergency). Proceeds to leave and by way of an afterthought adds "god gives these battles to his strongest soldiers and that there's always the next time". Leaves room....

When I was 18, I was meant to help a friend move house, but the day before the move my cousin who was 22, died unexpectedly. We were very close and my friend knew this. I called her up to tell her I wouldn’t be able to help her move and explained what had happened. I was absolutely heartbroken (still am). Her response was “everyone dies at some point”. We are no longer friends.

Name changed for this.

Husband died in his 40’s after a short but brutal and totally unexpected illness, and my very wealthy mother in law asked me at his funeral, to give back to her the t-shirts she’d given him for his birthday three months before as she wanted to re-gift them and save money.
The T-shirts she’d bought her own son who had just died but never had the chance to wear them. Of all the things to be thinking about and prioritise on the day of your son’s funeral….

When my Nan lost her husband her neighbour said ‘why don’t you put the kids up for adoption and start again’

My nan had 4 children - eldest being 10 & youngest being 6 weeks old

In hospital having a miscarriage, a nurse told me that it was maybe for the best because I probably wouldn't have coped with two children so close in age. The baby was due the month before DC1 turned 2, so it wasn't even a particularly close gap.

And on my first day back at work after two weeks sick leave following my miscarriage, I had to comfort a colleague because she was pregnant and was so worried about telling me. She was in tears about how stressful it was for her.

I send a card and put My thoughts are with you, No thing I can say can comfort you, just know we’re so sorry and send you love .

My mother was a woman who devoted her life to others and always saw the good in people. The day she died one of our neighbours who was a dog breeder, said to my father " I understand how you must be feeling, one of our prize bitches died last week."

Omg I laughed at that ....
I'm going to hell I know

Some of these jaw dropping. Put the kids up for adoption and start again!

My dad died suddenly, an aunt at his funeral said "well that's the worst over, you can get on with life now". Thankfully we rarely see her

When I was doing the dreaded phone call round to inform people of my GMs death, the husband of one of her friends told me that I’d spoilt his day by telling him. 😳

Another time, a family friend’s disabled child died very unexpectedly. My Dad said “Well maybe it was a blessing”. My mum went mad. I just thank God he only said it to us.

People don’t know what to say. I’ve had lovely, well meaning people say the most extraordinary things. They probably feel slightly panicked and inadequate. I don’t take offense anymore, I believe people are just trying to do their best.

Had this a fair few times, my mum died of lung cancer in her 40s, multiple people have said ‘did she smoke?’ I say yes and they say ‘ohhh that makes sense then’.

Yes it obviously does explain the reason why she likely got cancer but it doesn’t actually make it better that she’s dead does it 😑 people are assholes.