The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

@NotMushroomInEre you're absolutely right. I do apologise if I seemed out of line - the post just triggered how I feel when people say stuff like "why are you so upset, it was only a dog/cat/whatever" or the usual "you can always get another one".

I was in fact very lucky when my beloved husband died of Covid at the beginning of the pandemic: not only did nobody say anything hurtful, but our Postie, and separately all our previous posties joining together, sent me cards of condolence, and I felt so grateful that he'd made such an impression on them that they wanted to do that.

I am appalled at the utterly horrendous things that have been said to PP's.

My father died suddenly. It's some time ago now, but I still remember this.

A dopey manager showed up at the funeral and assured me that 'that piece of work you were doing (when you got the call about his death) Carol said don't worry about it'. It can wait.

Fucking really?! I'm reeling in shock and you think I care about work. 😡

I had a few upsetting comments after my son was stillborn. Mostly around it was a blessing because there must have been something wrong with him (no there really wasn’t, there was something wrong with ME). Or we are upset because he was our first child but if we had other children, apparently we wouldn’t be?! There was a whole lot of other stuff but thankfully I’ve forgotten the rest of it now.

The PP who mentioned the chocolates came back to clarify that it was that the chocolates were to ‘cheer her up’ that was inappropriate, not the chocolates themselves, but most people seem to have missed the update.

@a1poshpaws you didn't cause me upset at all, and I totally understand the pain we feel when losing our non human family. I said goodbye to my big, black, beautiful, intelligent and stupidly adorable lab 2 days ago, and I've been a mess since. The only thing I've done in his absence is go for 'our' walk once, remove the piss stained rug and wash his bowls, putting all his balls into them and stuffing them in a cupboard, I'm devastated. I wanted to go to sleep on Friday and not wake up. However, I could never say to anyone that I understood their pain because I'd lost him. I might think it, but I wouldn't say it.

Also, I'm extremely sorry to hear about your husband.

After my disabled sister died young, a family member said "You'll be relieved in a year".

He clearly saw her as a burden and a waste of space.

My dad died suddenly when I was in my early 20s. He wasn't even 50. Total shock. My beat friend sent me an email along the lines of...

I know you're not in a great place what with your Dad and all, but I'm organising a meal and drinks for my birthday next week... blah blah blah. She then proceeded to go into detail about her expensive birthday plans.

Fuck. Right. Off.

What on earth was your response!?

I'm so sorry. That is staggeringly hurtful.

Why don’t you go the whole hog and walk up to the poster’s husband and say ’I’m sorry you’re upset and grieving, but you really shouldn’t be surprised that your mother doesn’t give a shit’? Jesus.

@WomanStanleyWoman2

What a horrible reply to my post - did gig bother to read my own shared experience?

People can post the response they wish, ideally without being nasty.

This thread has a combination of clumsy ill-advised comments and some truly heartbreaking offensive & upsetting ones. It's ok to make that differentiation I feel.

I think everyone who has commented on this post has faced loss and the feeling that their heart has been ripped out of their body. They've felt so numb that even physical pain would not draw much attention. I'm so sorry for all our losses. Emotional pain is subjective, but that doesn't mean it should be met with ignorant comments. So I want to say to those people who have received vile comments, fuck the bosses that sould be sacked, fuck the family members who don't deserve your unconditional love, and fuck the busy bodies who just want to poke their noses in. Please do give a pass to those who didn't quite find the right words, but who did mean well. They were just trying to help you get through one of the most painful times of your life.

As my df was dying, in his last two days, my ‘d’h explained he’d fallen in love with another woman. While my df was dying, ‘d’h was uncontactable because he was off shagging his new love who was simultaneously shagging a much older married man. Strangely the r/s didnt work out.

My mum and her friends ‘love a good funeral’ and will take Tupperware with them to bring food home.

@Eastie77Returns

That's absolutely brilliant!

How much a death hurts us is based on our real relationship with that person or animal. Not simply the role such as cousin or father.
My father who ignored his children from his first marriage was upset when his son died. He was absolutely devastated when his cat died. I do not think that reflects well on him, but it reflects the reality of his relationship with his cat versus his relationship with his son who he had not seen in nearly twenty years.

What’s wrong with that? Why are animals no matter how big or small always seen as less than and insignificant? Humans are so grandiose and self important, they think their lives automatically have more value, purpose and meaning than that of an animal

@Multiplesmultipled I think a father should be more upset at the death of his son than his cat. Your son is not just a human. But I know that was not the reality.

I couldn’t agree more, excellently said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️

This is so awful. I'm so sorry you were faced with that insensitivity.

I’m glad someone else said it🤨

Some of these are terrible. My mother died of cancer mid-covid pandemic - due to lockdowns none of her children could be there for the end of her illness, death, or funeral. My step-mother (who had always had a charming way) got in quick telling my siblings and I we were "selfish" and "thoughtless" for wanting to have some control over the funeral that she was organizing. The funeral for our mother. It took every skill I had not to unleash a lot of feelings that day!
In line with other posters, the number of so called friends who didn't even acknowledge mums death, even though I clearly told them I was miserable, stuck in a different country, and struggling. One person who did manage to call said "your mum alwsys was difficult wasnt she?". On the plus side, I definitely know who my friends are now!

That's awful 😢

Two days after my young dsis died tragically, my SIL sent me an email demanding I help with her son's birthday party.

Insensitive.

I had two when my DF died.

We went round to my in laws and I gave then the funeral details MIL said oh we’re not coming, we’re don’t like funerals, and besides I’d have to take a morning off work.

When I rang the garage that was servicing his car, it was in there when he died, the manager said, “Oh yes he looked like shit when he dropped it off.”

MIL probably wonders why I just can’t be bothered with her any more.

I've had a few. Telling a group of friends that my DF was terminally ill. One asked how old he was. When I said 77, she said 'but that's old!'
Sitting at mils deathbed with dh all night. Arriving home in the early morning. Rang work to say I would take that day as bereavement leave. HR said, no bereavement leave for in-laws. I went straight to GP and got signed off for a week. HR later apologised as they had misread the policy.
Reading all these just makes me see how clumsy and hopeless we are at death and condolence and how quick we are to minimise it and to make crass comparisons.

Some comments here are just awful. Others are the kind of things people say when they mean well. Others are just fine. I don't see what's wrong with "Get Well Soon" to someone who has had a miscarriage, for example.

There used to be a lot of rituals around death (wearing special things, darkening rooms, all that). I wonder if part of the underlying psychological reason for that, is that it gives the people around the bereaved people something to do and something to talk about, so that they are not reduced to blurting out mad stuff in order to fill the silence.