The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

Comments from my heartless MIL from my two previous miscarriages, one at nearly 12 weeks and one at about 8weeks.

”it’s only cells at that stage”
”at least you can get pregnant” (but we can’t stay pregnant that’s the issue)
“at least it it was early”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“You just need to relax”

when her father died during covid (he died in his 90’s and she was able to say goodbye in person) I sent an expensive bunch of flowers (about £90 worth) with a thoughtful note of condolence. When my stepfather died during covid, I wasn’t able to get back to my home country and say goodbye, and she dropped of a Sainsbury’s candle (which she knows I’m allergic too, I can’t inhale artificial scents) with a card that just had her and fil’s names in. No message. I was extremely upset that Christmas, for obvious reasons and she threw a tantrum I wanted to stay home and grieve than spend my Christmas with her which meant DP was comforting me rather than going to her Christmas dinner.

after that I dropped the rope.

But none of us know if his ‘lifestyle’ caught up with him and caused his death. Even if it did, there is no need to write that for a grieving widow to read.

My former boss passed away.
The day before her funeral, my dad killed himself, so that pretty much was all my family thought about.
The day of her funeral, which I had completely forgotten about, an unpleasant woman from one of my boss’s other offices called me and said, “I hope your excuse for not being at the Boss’s funeral is good.” I never liked this busy body rumour mongering PITA.
Me: “My dad shot himself.”
Her: “I guess that’ll have to do.”
And she slammed down the phone!

I stood there with the phone in my hand and wondered if I had just imagined the whole thing.
I’ve not seen her in decades, yet that call echoes in my mind. I despise her.

Agreed. It was just a gesture. Just say thanks and put them in the cupboard. Who said put your feet up and gorge on them??

Standing at my lovely Dads graveside after watching the coffin being lowered. Family friend walks up to me and after giving condolences, congratulates me on my pregnancy.
I wasn't pregnant.
It then happened again later at the wake.

I agree with this tbh, chocolate is great when you've had a shock event, you can just grab one and keep yourself going if you don't feel up to eating anything.

wow - that's fucked up.

I had an absolute corker. I had a friend and we both found out we were expecting at the same time. Sadly we found out our baby had several horrendous abnormalities that meant she wouldn’t survive. My friend’s response ‘ah well, there’s always a reason’ and ‘think of it like a practice labour for when you do the real thing’. She later expressed anger that I hadn’t been there for her during the rest of her pregnancy and that she’d felt isolated. Not a thought about what a mess we were in.

As far as I know her daughter is a happy 14 year old whilst we have a grave to tend. Still, poor her eh?

Obviously I binned that friendship, but it did really make things so much worse how a good friend could’ve been that thoughtless and callous. Was the icing on the cake really.

I’ve had pets die growing up and as sad as it is saying that it is the equivalent to a baby dying or even a much loved adult is ridiculous. Unless you are really old or terminally ill when purchasing a pet surely you must realise that’s it’s lifespan means it will die within a matter of years. I can’t see the point of having pets if they cause do much pain when the inevitable happens.

I was told to cheer up by one of the nurses when I was awaiting anaesthetic before a D&C because of a missed miscarriage on a much-wanted pregnancy.

But none of us know if his ‘lifestyle’ caught up with him and caused his death.

With respect; we don't always know what other people know. It's possible the widow has confided more details to others than to you.

The loss of a dog and the loss of a child are simply not comparable. While you might think that you losing fido is just as bad as your friend losing a baby you just wouldn't say it!

I overheard someone at a funeral recently say to the grieving widow 'at least you'll get a reduction in your Council Tax now you're on your own'. I honestly had no idea what to do, I was so gobsmacked!

When my mil died (I’d known her since I was 15) I told work I would be off 2 days for the funeral as we would stay with fil on the night after as didn’t want to leave him alone. It was a 3 hour car drive so I couldn’t get to work next day.

My manager, NHS, told me that I didn’t get travelling time for funerals.

I never did fill in a slip for the time off. I told immediate colleagues where I was and when I would return. I don’t think my absence was recorded anywhere.

The same department asked a colleague to work in the morning before her dm’s funeral in the afternoon.

The people comparing animals are terrible. When my cat died I was devestated for about a month. After that I missed her but in a vague way. It doesn’t stab at my heart when I think of dcat.
Losing a close family member or friend is not comparable to losing a pet.
My dsil told my df when his dp died from cancer that she understood how he felt because she felt the same when her cat died.
What a stupid thing to say.
She doesn’t carry the cats photo in her purse or have funeral details in a box or a photo of cat next to the bed. She didn’t age 10 years in a day. She’s not lonely everyday.
Its not the same!

Some of these are just truly awful, some are accidentally crass and some of the things children say are hilarious and remind us how we are all human together.

The people trying to compare their grief of losing a pet to that of people losing a human being is just awful. Even in an anonymous forum, if you can’t why that is hurtful and wrong you need to really think about it

That's odd.

I take it he wasn't one of those Elvis obsessives who dresses like Elvis and has a house full of memorabilia?

I think it’s an ok thing to say…truthful, acknowledging they were a lovely person…I wouldn’t write something like that…but it’s not cruel or unkind…it’s just direct…

Agreed that most people are clumsy at death and condolence. It explains why perhaps, there are so many insensitive comments or silly comparisons - some of which may be their clumsy way of trying to minimise it or a vain attempt to make the bereaved feel better.
I guess it is because they have not suffered the loss of someone close to them.

You were 17 , don’t give yourself a hard time

Grief isn’t competitive. To those here who are offended by people mourning their animals the way you mourn relatives — why not show some empathy? For many people, their pets are their family. Their grief doesn’t detract from yours in any way. Please don’t make them feel even worse.

Last year one of my closest relatives died of cancer. We’d always had a particularly close relationship and I went to live with her during her final months, to care for her. I was broken when she died, and I miss her constantly. But that has no bearing on the love and sympathy I give friends whose pet has died or gone missing. Why would it?

A friend did something lovely for me. Both my parents died when I was quite young, the second one while I was working abroad. I flew home, and after the funeral I went to stay with this friend. After a few days she invited some of her friends round to help ease me back into living here again. I only worked out afterwards that, from her large circle of friends, she had invited only those who had also lost one or both parents. So thoughtful, and very helpful to me.

My DB died very suddenly. The day before the funeral my then manager asked if i was skipping the wake to be back in the office for the afternoon.

I walked away as i thought it a little more polite than slapping her face.

I don’t think anyone is offended that someone mourns a pet the way others mourn a person. That is not offensive in and of itself. Each to their own and the way you feel is the way you feel.

What is awful and horribly insensitive is actually telling someone who has lost their child, sibling or parent “I know how you feel because my dog died..”. The two are not comparable. If you feel they are, fine, but keep it to yourself. Do not approach a bereaved person and tell them that. Because believe me, no-one who has lost a baby would feel comforted by someone offering condolences and comparing their loss to their cat dying. It is cruel

Surely you can understand that?

I work in customer care and I always say I'm sorry for your loss. It takes two seconds and I've never offended anyone yet (I don't think!)

That’s a very good, polite “standard line”. But I think people get into trouble when they have known either the bereaved/deceased very well - because you then do need (or people feel they need) to say more than that. I think a pp had it spot on - fuck the people who are unpleasant and insensitive, but try to give a pass to the people who genuinely meant well but didn’t quite find the right words for you.

See I would have a private giggle but I think that it’s clearly heartfelt and well intentioned and god knows it’s better than the cardboard RIP or Sorry for your loss.