The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

My ex after a pretty traumatic miscarriage "least I know my sperm works and I can father children"

His father on hearing the news "miscarriages happen, the woman across the road has had 13"

Old neighbour was really unwell and there had been a miscommunication somewhere when my other neighbour (a busy body) sent a card to the family saying sorry for their loss. She then found out he wasn’t dead, went round and sheepishly got the card.. only for him to then die and she posted it again 😳😂😭

I respected your father, I didn't like him, but I respected him.

I didn't see eye to eye with your father, he was full of hot air, but I'll say one thing for him, he always put his family first.

See I like comments like this, honest comment that really reflect the reality. I hate it when people are treated as saints because they are dead, those comments above were meant

I agree. I would far rather an honest comment than saccharine platitudes.

Some of the comments on this thread are certainly awful, but others are perfectly normal and most people(well, the people I know) wouldn't be offended by them.

A lot of the these are terrible and inexcusable but others I think are understandable. I guess when you’re distraught it can be easy to take things the wrong way.

I am sorry. I know your grief was raw but your friend really didn't do anything wrong.

When my darling husband died some stupid colleague told me "he's happy now!" I don't think I've ever been so close to hitting someone!

Sorry for the loss of your lovely dog. I know it hurts so much when it is time to say goodbye. I've been there three times myself.

I think you are being a little harsh on the receptionist though. Her actions seem normal to me and I wouldn't have been offended at all. What was she supposed to do?

After my sister died at the funeral some man I had never met before asked me if I wished it was me ?

MIL always comes out with "well life goes on". No it doesn't actually, and it's certainly not the same

💐for all on this thread x

@MsFogi I take it you've never had a close relationship with an animal. My grief over losing my animals over the years has frequently been far more devastating than my grief over losing human family.

The woman who made the comment about her dogs will have sincerely meant that she understood the pain of losing the children.

To some of us, our animals are people too. Just not human ones.

When my friend’s dad died, his manager asked him, “how much will you get in the will?”

A few years later, a colleague’s dad died in traumatic circumstances (an accident). The manager also asked him how much he’d get in the will.

For this and other reasons, I suspect this manager had narcissistic personality disorder.

The old managing partner at my work had an awful habit of sending emails with no subject line, so more than once we got emails containing really sad news like deaths with absolutely no warning in the subject to prepare us

@ZarquonsSandals that's awful about offending people
I work in customer care and I always say I'm sorry for your loss. It takes two seconds and I've never offended anyone yet (I don't think!)

We haven't been told to say it but my boss is pretty easy going and anything that we can do for customers we will even if it's nothing to do with our job

@Stepcount Stepcount · Yesterday 16:26
There are some truly thoughtless and indeed hurtful comments being shared on here.
Mine came from a former work colleague/friend who happened to be helping out at the church during my mom’s funeral. Having lost my Dad 12 months before and my DH to cancer she said ‘ ooh you have the full set now, a widowed orphan’ and laughed !

Bloody hell. I can't even find the words to express how horrific that was.

I completely empathise with you @TimBoothseyesand I’m so sorry you lost both your parents and at such a difficult time. What was it about dying during the lockdown of something other than Covid which seem to render it as not significant? Losing a loved one at any time is dreadful but there was added agony of being unable to be with them, comfort them, get support for them, take them to places they wanted to visit, see the people they wanted to say goodbye to and finally to be able to give them a proper goodbye. It was a very hard time to deal with illness and death whatever the illness.

I know people stumble around and say the wrong thing; it’s often clumsy rather than malevolent. For me the most upsetting are the comments that minimise the bereaved person’s experience by playing it down or relating it to something trivial. One of the ultimate minimisations is to say nothing: when my dad died of cancer during the second lockdown a very good friend of mine who I saw every week and who knew my dad well never acknowledged his death, not a card, a call, a five word text and she still hasn’t said a word. So for me it wasn’t what was said, but what was never said.

Oh ffs. Read the room.

I've had animals all my life. Each loss was awful. But for goodness sake, you're telling people here who've lost children and husbands that losing a pet is the same?

Seriously, stop now.

The woman who made the comment about her dogs will have sincerely meant that she understood the pain of losing the children.

She doesn't. She really doesn't.

My daughter was buried in the 19th December. DH and I had no other living children at the time.

The day after her funeral DH insisted on getting dressed and going to MILs house. DHs SIL- His brothers wife was there who I knew fairly well and who had been to the hospital and to the funeral.

We were left alone in the kitchen. I was still so numb that I could barely speak. SIL was ranting on that she had nothing done for Xmas and had so many carol services etc to attend. I could barely focus but murmured “Don’t worry everyone will get enough to do them”. She snapped at me. “It’s ok for you Yaya26 you don’t have 5 kids to buy for”.

3 months later in the same room while discussing my return to work with my MIL I mentioned I was worried as I still couldn’t talk about it without getting tearful. MIL looked at me as if I had horns on my head and said Why? Are you still not over it yet??? MIL has 6 kids.

my DM died while I was on holiday with my boyfriend. I lived with her in a council house and when I returned the house had been emptied by my 2 SILs and keys handed in. Was told that they had done that as a favour to save me the hassle and that I probably didn't want to live in the house she died in! thanks for making me homeless and selling all my possessions completely NC with the whole family many years later

@a1poshpaws I think it is the comparing that is wrong. A mother for a mother, a sister for a sister, a dad for a a dad, a brother for a brother, a pet for a child...it is all wrong.

When we lose someone we love, the last thing we need to hear is 'Well, I've been through this, and I know how you feel, because I lost [insert]'. Whilst that person might just be offering what they think is compassion, it actually feels like it is invalidating the feelings of those who are bereft. Well that is my opinion anyway.

I say that as someone who is a massive animal lover and have felt more pain from losing my dogs than I did one of my parents.

The best thing that I can think to say to someone who has recently faced loss is 'I'm so sorry, if you want to talk, scream or just need company, I'm always here and ready to listen'. Not 'I know how you feel because I lost my....

I had my first miscarriage and a relative said "Oh that's a shame. We're you hoping for a boy or a girl?" Then proceeded to take about her own perfect family of 3.

When my brother died (he was murdered) 16 years ago a friend said, well he wasn't your whole brother was he? We shared same mum different dad's and he was born when I was 5!!! A few days later having tea at another friend's house yet another friend bounded in saying 'wingingit you never guess what I've made contact with my long lost brother '! I was too gobsmacked and polite to respond. Now I would have said something. She knew full well we had just spent 2 weeks at icu hoping for a miracle!

Was asked at my mums wake, ‘Hows your mum’

Who's funeral do you think you are attending today!!!!

I've lost many much-loved pets over the years. Each one was heartbreaking.

I've also held my four day old son in my arms as he died. People like you with opinions like yours can actually get to fuck (and don't come back).

As the curtain went round my Granny's coffin, my 2 year old called out 'bye bye', it brought a sad smile to my family's faces and when I apologised after in case anyone was upset by it, they all said they thought it was quite lovely and appropriate