The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

After young Noah Donohoe died, someone posted directly to his mummy Fiona on social media to say that, sorry and all that, but she was at fault for letting him cycle off to meet his school friends that day. Callous and inappropriate, certainly - that's putting it politely! Noah was a sensible and intelligent 14 year old and it was a bright and sunny day.

I don't want to derail your thread, OP, but this thread here has more information and a link to Fiona's petition on Change if anyone would like to sign. Thank you.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/petitions_noticeboard/4573833-noah-donohoe-his-mothers-fight-for-the-truth-and-justice-please-help-stop-the-police-coroner-and-brandon-lewis-from-keeping-investigation-files-into-the-death-of-a-child-secret-thread-3

The ‘you’re joking’ response was exactly what I said to my mother when she told me my father had just died.

it was just incredible as I had been speaking with him just 20 minutes earlier

My father (I am an only child of divorced parents) died after being in terrible pain and alone for months (wasn't allowed visitors -covid time). I called his sister to let her know but she didn't pick up the many calls and messages. Later that week she said that she was had cooked their dinner and didn't want to hear the news/anything to ruin it. Her husband then informed me (very cheerfully- the first time that we had spoken since my fathers death) not to worry as his daughter/ my cousin was having a baby so it was just the circle of life/one in one out. My father would have thought the pain worthwhile if he had known his niece was to have a baby - er no he wouldn't he was in agony!!! They didn't once express their condolences or ask what had happened, how I had been managing, nothing.

We used to be close- spoke every day visited monthly for years. Not any more.

A couple we had been friends with for many years, didn’t bother to visit my DH when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I decided to give them a ‘second chance’ and invited them to stay with me for a couple of days, nine months after my DH died. I was told, on more than one occasion, how hard it was for the male of the couple without my DH there for him to talk to.

Their complete insensitivity ensured I immediately went NC.

I agree

Said to me after my mum died ( similar said by same person when my grandma died) “never mind as you were adopted you’ll get over it quicker”

After my mum died someone from a very long time ago that I was at school with sent me a message she said, 'sorry for your loss I remember your mum, she had great boobs' as if mum paraded them about. She was big breasted that's all.

Oh that is heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Very sorry for everyone's losses and the thoughtless comments they've been on the end of! My worst was on phoning my DM to tell her I'd had a scan and I'd had an MMC (she didn't know I was pregnant) she replied "was it planned?" Shocked I replied "no" (as baby had been a lovely surprise) she replied "well it would have been much worse if it was and you'd tried for months" I was speechless and then went NC when she really couldn't understand why I was so upset. My upset wasn't helped by then haemorrhaging during the actual mc and not even getting a reply from my family when they found out.

So sorry for all those who have lost a loved one and had to suffer cruel comments.

My Mum, the narcissist, was practicing her eulogy for my Dad's funeral.

It started: "X was a loving Husband, Brother in law, friend and Father."

I said that people would find it strange to hear 'BiL' and 'Friend' before Father.

She said: "Your Auntie and his friends knew him much longer than you did".

Also at my Dad's funeral, my son and niece, both 7, asked loudly "is this the bit where they burn Grandad?".

My god that’s awful. A lot of these are awful but the thought of a bereaved child being kept apart from family and not comforted when she has just lost her dad is terrible. 💔

The friends of my late DH and I who are couples were very supportive throughout his illness and in the early days after his death, but it didn't take long for the dynamic to change with most of them.

Each couple live far enough away that we used to stay with each other for weekends, as it was too far to travel without staying over. I was equally friendly with both the male and female halves. So when we used to meet up, we did stuff together as fours. But now, as well as invitations being far more sparse, they a) never want to come to me, and always turn it into me visiting them, and b) when I get there, I hardly see the male halves. They've always 'got jobs to do' and it's left to the female half to entertain me.

I'm as sure as I can be that it's not because they think I'm dangerous to their marriages. It just seems like the man can't cope with being the only male for a weekend.

Eh, because the person hasn't died yet?!

It's because they ^don't" know how that person feels, and this is their moment. When someone relates news like that, it's time to listen, not chip in with "me too". That's for another occasion.

I met an acquaintance at another funeral about a month after DH died and she said: "didn't something horrible happen to you? Let me think, what was it?"

Most of these are terribly hurtful and I also understand that others which don’t seem so bad can hurt because in that time of intense grief we are extremely sensitive. For me it’s similar to being in labour in that everything is heightened and the things said and done by the people around us can cut deep even if the intention is good.

To me, the OP seemed rather lovely, certainly it was heartfelt and well-intentioned. Same with the chocolates instead of flowers, thoughtful and well intentioned.

When my dad died I hopped on a flight back to my mum and the passenger next to me asked me if I was going on holiday. I said, no my dad has died and she said “oh god yes my mother has broken her foot”
I had a good laugh about that later with my family. Mum said she’d told a neighbour that Dad had collapsed and been taken to hospital and the neighbour said, “Oh, George has got diarrhoea.”

Honestly some people are so clumsy. But we did laugh a lot about them.

I lost my DP in a tragic accident when we were very young and just starting our lives together. I remember at the time I got 3 or 4 copies of the same sympathy card that read ‘sorry you’re feeling sad’. I know it was sensitive of me but at the time, I said to my mum ‘I wish I was feeling sad’. It seems such an understatement when you’re world is ripped apart.

The worst one was a comment on an article on fb about the accident. A girl I knew, but not well had commented, ‘sad but accidents do happen’!! I still to this day want to scream in her face.

When I was about 12/13? someone my Nan knew had lost a young child. The night before the funeral, they had a bit of a gathering in the house with family and friends. I was staying over my nans so I went along with her to pay her respects.

There were quite a few children there who were running around playing and my Nan piped up … “they’d better calm down or they’ll be dead in the morning….. “ 🤦🏻‍♀️
I was only young but I wanted the ground to swallow me up 🙈

Oh I read it differently. That no one who has been diagnosed with the big C wants to hear about people who have died of it, how scary.

@Soubriquet I think your MIL would get on well with my mother. She got bunches of flowers off her friends when I had a miscarriage and told me it was her baby too. The day after if happened ( my birthday) I overheard her on the phone, telling someone I was still moping around. When I called her out on this she became physically abusive and started pushing me into walls and cupboards when I walked past her.
( I was living with her at the time I we were having building work done on our house.)
I'm still angry about it. I love her but I really don't like her.
When one of my best friends committed suicide she refused to talk to me about it. I need to get over things as I'm " emotionally immature".

Said to me by a psychotherapist shortly after DHs death. I actually paid her as well...

I am so sorry for everyone here having to deal with total arseholes.
I do not have the same experiences. When my dad's partner died the local paper reported him as dear fiend of ?
One of my sister's went mental and insisted on a reprint and an apologie.
On my birthday the same man sent mea sympathy card with the condolence message scored out and happy birthday daughter written in. He liked the picture on the card but did not read the sentiment. God love him ❤️

I’ve name changed in order to post this, as I’ve discussed this with a few people IRL.

My Dad’s Mum passed away a few years ago, so he took the allocated compassionate leave from his work. Sadly, my sister (his daughter) passed away three months later, so he arranged to have compassionate leave again, however, his work told him he couldn’t have the full amount of time off, as he had already had time off when his Mum died! Fortunately, his boss over ruled head office, and he was given the time off he deserved. Words failed me.

That’s pretty bad. I’m so sorry.

A slightly different tale of thoughtless behaviour concerning bereavement:

(all names changed)

My friend Mary has been happily married to Steve for 25 years after her short first unhappy marriage to John (alcoholic/abusive) ended - they had no children so she has had no contact with John or his family in 30 years.

One day the phone rang when Mary was at home on her own and the caller said "Is that Mary?" and when she replied "yes" the caller said "I'm afraid I have some bad news - your husband has died."

Mary screamed, assuming they meant Steve, then the caller began to say "John died last Thursday....." So she said "JOHN? John's not my husband! I haven't been married to him for 30 years!"

The caller made no apology for having frightened her so badly and just said "So would you like to come to the funeral?"

Needless to say Mary turned this down, in no uncertain terms