The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

@MrsAliceRichards i have heard people say that grief is selfish. When my MIL was widowed, she spent a lot of time on a widows website but she would bitch about them all “it’s ok for her, she doesn’t have kids to look after/ they weren’t even married/ they were married for 30 years so they had loads of time/ they only knew each other for a year/ she has money.”
She really seemed to think that nobody else could be mourning as much as her, and even years later has unkind things to say about her step DC (they were estranged from their father for years before he died, but she can’t see that they would still be affected by his death.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that people were so unkind when you needed support.

My close colleague’s dad passed away and her dh, who also works at our company emailed us to tell us the news…..the title of that email was …..”Elvis has left the building”
we were all absolutely stunned!

Bloody hell that is awful!!

I couldn’t agree more. It took every single gram of strength for me and my family to care for our very poorly loved one. I dont know how we could have been any stronger.

I raised my step children from when they were small as their mum was not around. DSS had a life limiting illness and when he was 14 and terminally ill, I asked my NHS employer for ( unpaid ) compassionate parental leave. ( I’d worked there for over ten years and never had a day off sick ).

They refused saying

“ Sorry it’s only for parents . If you apply to adopt him, we would reconsider.”

So my GP signed me off sick with stress, as I was 6 months pregnant and it was a high risk pregnancy .

My line manager, phoned me up while I was on sick leave and told me to attend an appointment at occupational health. I refused, saying that I was actually sitting at DSs bedside in hospital as he only had a few days left.

So she phoned me back a week later asking the same thing. When I explained I was still with Ds at the hospital, she said in an exasperated voice “ You said that last week! How much longer will this take ? “

She phoned back a third time in another week and when I said DS has died she said “ Good, finally you will be able to attend this appointment !”.

Then she sent a letter saying “ I’m pleased to hear that you have finally agreed to attend occupational health “.

When I did attend occupational health a few weeks after the funeral, the doctor was appalled and signed me off for the next 6 weeks until my due date.

[EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE NAME]

That’s appalling 😨

When my first husband died, two colleagues compared it to their divorce. One of those comments was along the lines of his divorce was so terrible he often thought it would have been easier if she had just died.

When my baby died at one day old, my FIL repeatedly told me how lucky I was. In his religion, babies who die go straight to heaven as they have nothing to atone for. Parents of babies who die can also skip punishment and go straight to heaven to be with them. I can’t stand to be around him, he has no idea how much anger I have towards him.

I lost my dad on December 23rd last year, mum on 28th February.

'I suppose it's a relief them going so close together. Gets it all over & done with'. Dad was 74, mum 71.

The manager of my care company sprang a client death on me using the wrong tone recently "Mrs L you mean, she died" in an upbeat way like he was saying he'd got biscuits at the office, it's like an extra sucker punch, because it jars up against your own feelings on the matter.

Its OK to smile when delivering bad news, but first it's the social norm to slow down, deliver news with gravity and gently, the smile shouldn't be enthusiastic!

I'm so sorry you lost your DD!!

This one really triggered me. I'm so sorry!

There is no right thing to say, some of these are well intentioned and actually not offensive if you were not in grief.

However, some of these are horrific.

.....uncharted, that is....

@CoastalWave get stuffed! The death of a dog is no way comparable to a baby!!!

My sister died 8 weeks after her cancer diagnosis aged 26. She left her 2 year old son behind who she was the single parent of. As a family we were absolutely devastated, obviously.

I was sat with my mum when the husband of one of her friends said 'it's such a terrible thing, we lost (dogs name) last year and... nothing compares' then went on and on about the loss of his dog.

My mum had lost her child!!! We'd lost our sibling and my baby nephew had lost the only parent he had left and this idiot was comparing it to the loss of his 11 year old Yorkshire Terrier.

We were all too dumbfounded to respond. But I wish I had.

Someone I didn’t know phoned to speak to my parents, I was only about 20. My parents weren’t in - id dropped them at the airport in the wee hours that morning.

Turns out this person was my grans sister in law.

So hung up the phone. She phoned back and told asked where my gran was (I said in hospital) and then she said she wanted to see her body. I didn’t even know my gran had died. And I was on my own. That was absolutely the most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced

I've had the " be strong " messages which do jar somewhat when you're doing your best in difficult circumstances.

I had to phone in sick for a Christmas job when my dad was end stages of cancer and not expected to last the night, I was 25 and he was 51. He rallied and lasted a few more weeks so I ended up going back to work for a bit. My line manager told me it was was not as bad for me as her friend whose husband died aged 34. I just had no words at the time, I would have a few now though.

One of my friends died and his mom just said "I can't believe I have to pay the funeral for this useless idiot"

What an absolute scumbag.

After a miscarriage and a haemorrhage when I nearly died - my boss said ‘bloody hell WITL I know you had a miscarriage and always looked slim but bloody hell you look really slim now and it really suits you’

after same miscarriage my now NC mother said ‘well it’s a blessing you miscarried WITL as it was clearly the right thing as it must have been deformed’

wtf?

Just after my mum died, a friend/Acquaintance texted me to say she was sorry to hear about my mum but it had also made her feel grateful that she 'still had her own mum'.

I'm glad that my mum's passing has made you 'grateful'. 😬😳

I had the same a number of times. My parents died in a traumatic accident in their early seventies.
But I know they were well-meaning.