The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

Dogs again. I went to collect to collect the ashes of the dog we’d had for over 14 years from the vet’s. She’d been a regular visitor for her past couple of years and the staff had always been lovely.

However, this time there was a new, very young receptionist. I told her why I was there, she went to fetch the sad little green box - but handed it over with a super-perky, grinning - ‘There you go!’ - as if I was picking up a prescription or something.

I dissolved into tears once outside, but never did getting around to telling our vet that the girl was in dire need of a Quiet Word.

I hate ‘omg I don’t know what I’d do without my XXX’ ‘I wouldn’t be able to cope if I lost my XXX’.

I’m sure no one is meaning this offensively but it massively pisses me off. Feel like replying ‘me too, what do you suggest I do’ 💔

"The "you're joking" responses reminds me of something that happened to my late MIL. She had to write to a number of older relatives to let them know her mother had died. They had been great correspondents. MIL's handwriting was sufficiently like her own mother's writing that many of these relatives got an awful shock when they opened their letters."

I had this kind of shock. A post on a FB friend's page 'my uncle has died....' so at first I thought it was the friend's unlce (as did many others), but it was his niece posting about my friend. It led to a bit of confusion and shock. I can quite understand why people say 'you're joking'. it just means 'I don't believe it'. It's not that they think it's funny.

Someone told me I was lucky he had died when the children were young as it wouldn’t be too hard for them as they wouldn’t remember him.

Ok. I retract my “people always find it’s better if you say something” comment upthread now. That is just beyond the pale and the person who said it should have her mouth sewn up…..

DH lost both parents in quick succession as a teenager

Someone told him "they've gone to a better place" and he saìd "good for them but I wanted them here."

Poor boy 😥

"That was the best party ever"
My five year old daughter after her Grandmothers funeral. 😯
To be fair we had hired 2 nannies to look after all the small children in the family and they had kept them very well entertained.
Grannie would definitely have approved.

I tend to say I'm so sorry for their loss and then I will say 'I'm so sorry, I don't really know what to say' I figure it's better to admit that than say nothing.

I’m a widow and have learned that no matter what is said, it is possible to unintentionally offend some people. Let’s concentrate on the intent and compassion behold the awkward attempts to console or offer condolences.

I think this one is a bit harsh! People struggle to know what to do and there’s nothing callous about buying you chocolates.

When I had a miscarriage I had quite a few people say to me "maybe that's a blessing as there was obviously something wrong with them" erm no fucking shit Sherlock!

Mother in law put a condolence message on a Facebook post announcing the death of an old friends husband, it read , "sorry to hear that, LOL." Apparently she thought LOL meant lots of love. Dp set her straight and she was mortified.

Wtf. Why on earth would she think that??

Agree with this. When my mum died suddenly I said something stupid to my dad which I regretted immediately, it was just shock that a stupid thing came out of my mouth. I hope he doesn't remember.

Some of the best things I was given after DH died were the cakes/biscuits/dinners, they were so thoughtful and useful. I was given chocolates too and found they tempted me to eat something when I didn't much fancy food. Please don't question yourself

My dad died when I was a young adult. The funeral was horrendous for us all.

But afterwards people came back to the house for food and drinks, and I actually enjoyed that part of the day. It was very comforting to have so many people come and say nice things about him, and it wonderful to know that he was so loved.

"I dissolved into tears once outside, but never did getting around to telling our vet that the girl was in dire need of a Quiet Word."

For smiling?

I've given chocolates to bereaved people, and had them myself. It can be a way of getting some calories/energy in when someone doesn't feel like eating/preparing food.

When my mum died, people couldn't get over the fact we didn't have a funeral, which is what she wanted. I was told we were being selfish because lots of people wanted to have a drink in her memory. I told them they could have any amount of drinks in her memory, but we wouldn't be paying for them. These were people who never once visited her in the care home where she lived, with dementia.

When our second baby was stillborn, someone sent me a get well soon card....... that made me stop in my tracks.

As for those who told me "well it's for the best as there was obviously something wrong with him"....... I hope you've never repeated those words to any other grieving mother.

I agree

I'm in my sixties now but when I was about 18 I made a terrible faux pas which still makes me cringe now. I saw an older lady who I vaguely knew from work and asked her how she was
She replied "my friend was married today" ( well that's what I THOUGHT she said). I said to her, Oh that's nice!!
It was only a few hours later, when hearing a conversation between a couple of her friends, that she actually said that her friend was buried today
Omg

Bereavements are tough. Many of the people passing in condolences are also bereaved. If someone is not trying to be nasty then I just accept they are trying to be kind.

I lost both my parents in a very traumatic accident. I had a number of people say - well at least you get it all over at once. I do not think that is a comfort in any way. But I accept they were trying to be nice in what were awful circumstances that left many people not knowing what to say.

Just no.

I manage a lovely team of girls, very close
One of them passed away at Christmas, she took her own life
Understandably, myself and the others were devastated, I was front of house for a week or so afterwards, and there was a note requesting clients be patient with the staff following the loss
One gentleman asked her age, I replied very young, and apologised saying I couldn't really speak about it as it was too upsetting
His response...
"Well I assume she was on drugs"
I genuinely have never wanted to punch someone in the face as much as I did on that day

The old chestnut "everything happens for a reason". I'm sorry...what good reason could there be for someone dying in agony long before their time.