The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

‘Ah well, life goes on’ by some distant old crone of a cousin when I called to tell her that DF had died.
i said not today it doesn’t
stupid bitch

What would you have liked them to say? This is a genuine question.

Bloody hell, some people should be absolutely ashamed of themselves

My husband passed away aged 36, leaving me with a 6 & 4 year old. Someone told me I was lucky he had died when the children were young as it wouldn’t be too hard for them as they wouldn’t remember him. I didn’t know what to say x

My aunt, more like my mum, died a month before my baby was born. At her funeral a friend of hers stood for 10 mins telling me how she was looking forward to being an great auntie and that SHE was so upset that my aunt wasn’t here to see me become a mother. Yeah…I might be still feeling the same years later!

I'm on a Facebook group for ex-pupils of my old secondary school. A sister of a school friend of mine posted asking for photos/ memories of when her sister was at school that she could share with her parents (school friend had recently died). A few of us were sharing memories and photos with her sister when someone posted ‘wasn’t she the one that was shagging the maths teacher?” It was so inappropriate and really upset her sister.

@ParkheadParadise I am so truly sorry for your loss.❤️

See this one a lot - "I'm hugging my kids a bit tighter tonight" - after loss of a child (not someone elses or mine) - always seemed to be incredibly insensitive. All you are doing is reminding the bereaved that you have living children that you can hug and they don't.

Also "It wasn't meant to be" after my miscarriage. So god and my body fucked up did they?

A few more from me!

When my godfather died, a neighbour came round to 'pay his respects' to my godfather's widow. He began by reeling off a list of people in the street who'd died in the last couple of years and ended it with, 'This street must be cursed. I wonder who'll be next?'

But as for me, also when my mum died, I had someone tell me they understood my grief because they were still grieving the postponement of their wedding (due to Covid).

Another person did the whole, 'I know it's not the same, but when my cat died...'

And finally, the night my mum died, I was texting various friends and one replied and asked if I wanted to 'go round and get pissed'. Err, no thanks.

"The 6yo wrote "sorry your wife is dead". The parents thought it was cute and sent the card 😳.
But that is fine."

I'm glad you said it because I'm sitting here wondering what is wrong with that. Is it because he said 'is dead' rather than 'passed away'?

Sometimes it really is.

Not a comment but when my dad died and I was sorting the estate I notified the bank as you do...2 weeks later I received a letter addressed to "Mr Reeves-Deceased" with a great credit card offer. Apparently it wasn't there fault when I complained...

Another kids at funeral story though. His godchildren at the funeral were talking and the little girl asked her brother if he thought my dad was in heaven to which he replied "don't be stupid he's in that box!!!" They also asked to open said box...🙈🙈

A friends father died in a car accident when she was 8 and she was given a card from her class at school that all the kids had signed and wrote messages in.

The front of the card was a cartoon dragon blowing a smoke cloud, with the phrase "everything happens for a reason" written in the cloud.

Can't imagine who thought that was at all appropriate

That is horrific

Yes, this is just so absolutely awful. I am so sorry.

My grandfather died of cancer of the oesophagus (he'd didn't drink or smoke). At his funeral his sister handed my grieving mother a leaflet about giving up smoking! I mean there's a time and fucking place and that was not it. Wouldn't mind so much but she's morbidly obese so she's hardly in a position to judge anyone else's lifestyle choices. Makes me angry just thinking about it.

My hubby died in 2016. People were really kind. We had a packed room for his service and wake.

The kids were 13 and 14 and traumatised. Still not recovered 6 years later :(

During the funeral my SIL was crying. My adult and now orphaned DSDs from DHs first marriage didn't know her, but were sobbing into each others arms. I was on the other side if my DSDs coping with my DCs and my own state of grief, obvs. So, sadly, she was crying on her own - her DP didn't offer her a hug or shoulder 🙄. My DM rushed across the room and loudly said, I'll give you a hug as noone else is, whilst glaring at my DSDs. After the funeral I told her they didn't know tgeir aunty so couldn't be expected to comfort her when they were in bits themselves.

At the wake, my DM said to my DSDs 'well there's no more money for you now and you won't see (me and their sister and brother) again.' They told me when they came back to the house after the wakes was over. We didn't give money to tge DSDs cos firstly they were adults with jobs etc etc and secondly my DH was estranged from them following his marriage breaking down, so they weren't close. I later picked this up with her, but I suspect she always thought Id given them money!

Unbeknown me, she also proceeded to show everyone pics of my sister at the wake - poor ... she works really hard and has nothing. I know ...'s lost her husband but her sister is far worse off. I found out from my DB and SIL when we visited them 9 months later. She'd deny saying it and doing it all if I challenged her today such is her perspective on life and her own behaviour!

@MsOllie , I get it too.
My DM died at 97, having had dementia for maybe 15 years, and advanced dementia for the last few.
It truly was a ‘merciful release’ and some years earlier would have been even more merciful.

I came from a large family of sisters, my mum then had triplets- one boy. My brother died very young and my Granddad said ‘such a shame it was the boy’.

How ridiculous.

A few days after my husband died 'you'll meet someone else, don't worry'

"There but for thr grace of God go I" an extremely crass comment in my opinion. Shame God decided to fell my loved one with a lightning bolt then!!!!
And my mother, on hearing the sweet young wife of my lesbian cousin had died, said in hearing g range of her parents, "I never could see the point of lesbians". WTF!

My aunt lost one twin at 3 months old. She got lots of 'at least you've still got one'. The worst was a Christening card (the twin died days before the christening) from her broter and sister in law with the dead twin's name crossed out. They are known for being so greedy with money but I think it took heartless to a new level. Nobody in the family said anything!

When our middle child was stillborn we had a few of the "it wasn't meant to be" and "maybe there was a reason for it". At the time it hurt and infuriated me but I realised after that are just platitudes that people say when they don't know what else to say. Much, much more hurtful were the people who say nothing at all. We spotted people crossing the street and pretending not to see us. Some people have never spoken to us again. 😓

I think it's easy to be worried about saying the wrong thing or blurting something out. A friend of ours nursed her father through terminal cancer. He died then 6 months later (and unexpectedly) her mum (they were divorced) had a stroke and died. I dropped round a card and photos of her mum that she had not seen but the first time I saw her in person I bumped into her in town when I wasn't expecting. I managed to say "I'm so sorry about your mum" which was fine but before I could stop myself I added " so now you're an orphan". I was MORTIFIED. She actually burst out laughing and hugged me, thank god.

Oh and someone else mentioned a child saying "I'm sorry he's dead" bluntly. When I was expecting our third (rainbow) baby I was at a friend's house and her son who was 8 or 9 asked how the baby was growing and I said yes good thanks. Then he added, sincerely, "I hope this one survives". The room froze and his mum moved to tell him off but I said quickly "that's a really kind thing to say thank you, I hope so too" and it WAS. It was only what everyone was thinking!

My sister died of cancer and I got 'well at least you were expecting it...'