The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

Not a condolence as such, but so many people have done this. I was diagnosed with cancer last year and the most common reaction is a head tipped to the side and the words “ oh I’m so sorry to hear that”. The delivery always come across as though they are mentally deciding what to wear at my funeral.

@bloodybindweed When my father died, one of my neighbours made me a chocolate cake, which I was so grateful for. That was basically tea for my 3 young children! I felt that that was a really thoughtful thing to do.
A few people also gave me roses to plant in my garden rather than cut flowers, which was lovely as I still have them years later.
@BunglezippyGeorge I am so sorry for your shocking loss.
I am also horrified by the comments about a DC being ‘normal’ in heaven. I think being normal is highly overrated!

My aunt was dying and my friend said to me 'everything has a shelf life, including people' 😡

If I had a pound for every time someone said this to me I’d be a very rich woman… many of the people saying this were doctors who also liked to go on about my advancing age too.

When ds2 died after living for a few hours at 27 weeks (he had a congenital heart condition incompatible with life), a month or so later, and my third pg to reach the 2nd trimester, MIL: such a shame you can't perform. It was 25 years ago. I've never quite forgiven her.

DW’s Dad died this week. He was divorced from DW’s DM for 35 years and they’d not seen each for 20 years and so far we’ve had:
Questions and criticisms about the service
Questions and criticisms about acknowledging his carers
Questions and suggestions of stealing about jewellery she’d given him back
Details of everyone she’s told and how he’d lost touch with all their mutual friends because he was in the wrong and they wouldn’t have come to a service because they’re her friends now
A message this morning saying it’s been a week now so time to move on and not grieve
We’re pretty much grey rock anyway but she’s very close to completely ruining her relationship with DW.

My dad was in hospital when his sister (my aunt) died. I went to her funeral and when one of my cousins saw me, the first thing he said was "well I guess your dad will be next"

Many of these are breathtakingly awful. Probably not vindictive, but dreadful nonetheless.

My mum died aged 59 and a few week later a very distant cousin dropped by to pick up some paperwork that Mum had been holding for another relative. This cousin sat on my sofa and told me it was much worse to lose your husband (as she had some years before) than your mother. Now, this might be true, but grief is not a competition. I wasn't comparing our situations and I have no idea why she thought it was appropriate to make a remark like that to me within a month or so of my mum dying when my grief was still really raw. Silly cow.

Speechless. X

I hope you told her to go fuck herself.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No I do totally agree. But i guess that's kind of the point I was trying to make - there shouldn't be a hierarchy in grief - ie. grief is grief. And the grief you can feel for an animal who has been by your side daily for 15+yrs can be immeasurable to you. To those people, it's never 'just a dog'

Lots of people say crass things - trying to empathise but making a really bad job of it. I don't believe they mean it, just don't know what the hell else to say.

One of my worse childhood memories is shouting at the top of my voice to my neighbour ( I was about 7 at the time, she was 10) - "Did you see him dead on the floor?" (about her grandad dying)The look on her face is still there etched in my mind 50 years later.

Personally for me, losing my grandparents wasn't a big deal - I didn't see them daily and it just seemed the natural course of events. Naturally for other people, it could be totally devastating.

Not me but a work colleague....she was about 20 and her step brother, with whom she'd shared a home for about 15 years finally died after a long battle with cancer. Her manager said she wasn't allowed time off for the funeral as he wasn't related to her.

I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy & my mum told I should really get over it & move on, it had only been a week!

DH’ s dad going to Spain a month after MIL had died, then coming back, raving about the woman who cleaned his room, he’d bought her flowers, chocolates and asked her to meet him. (She didn’t turn up, she had a lucky escape)! DH said “Dad, it’s a bit soon for that isn’t it?” FIL replied” I’m single now!”
His single status didn’t last long, he died six months after MIL.

After my son died I saw people abruptly turn around in Tesco, cross the road etc. For me that was much worse than the thoughtless speech.

My friend’s sister killed herself at 18. And my friend always said that what hurt her most was people avoiding her. “I know they don’t know what to say,” she said. “And I know they don’t want to upset me. But I’m upset because of my sister - words can’t make that worse and I’d rather feel that I could talk about it.” That’s always stayed with me.

After my DF died my boss was told by HR that I should be over it now. After 6 weeks. My DM told me my DF wasnt a nice man. But she still tried to wail like the bereaved widow at his funeral which she wasnt.

A friend was told by HR that she couldnt have bereavement leave for her aunt who raised her because she wasn't immediate family.

When my friend died when we were young and before her funeral, her housemates invited me to the house to divide up her possessions. Instead I told her parents and they collected it all.

Some people have no class.

I lost both of my parents within 2 weeks of each other in April. At a family party I had strangers telling me how their reaction to them both dying was brilliant news, they've gone together. Not brilliant for us! And family saying how nice it was to meet up at a party because they are sick of funerals. While i know what they mean, I just stood there thinking they were at my parents funeral 3 months ago. Not as cruel as some here but insensitive.

Someone who told me that both of my parents dying before I was 40 (just after I’d lost mum) wasn’t as bad as it would be for her (in her 60s - both parents still alive them and lived to their 90s) because she’d had hers longer????????!

I used to think like that but death makes you realise how precious life is, all the more so with your fil. He only had six more months on this earth, he was right to try and live them

When my mum died suddenly, I lost count of the amount of people who asked 'was it Covid?' As though her dying would somehow be worse if it was Covid!

A friend of mine was asked at his wife’s funeral if he thought he’d get married again. I was speechless.

A friend was told by HR that she couldnt have bereavement leave for her aunt who raised her because she wasn't immediate family.

I had that when my Nana died. The policy at the time for a week compassionate leave for a parent and a day for a grandparent. When my boss explained to HT that I was brought up by my Nana so she felt o should have the week it was suggested that I should be asked to send an email confirming that I wouldn’t be expecting more than a day if either of my actual parents died in the future.

It is noticeable that all the major life events cause issues - look at the MIL getting a tattoo with the baby's now not name 😂 and death is the same . Don't get me started on weddings. MN would not exist without these!

When I was in my early 20s my grandmother died unexpectedly. I went certainly to work the next day and was coping OK - people were being supportive and nice, and then one rather crass young man told me it was probably a good thing because at that age she was better off dead. I think she was very early 70s if that, she had lots to live for and certainly was not better off dead.

I just burst into tears (and I had been OK up to that point) - what a git.

@ListerLess, gosh that's one of the most evil things I've ever heard. I am so sorry that happened to your DH x

My mum (89 and in a care home) had covid a few months ago. She wasn't desperately ill with it. We had a weird conversation about it afterwards.

Mum: "Well I'm glad I didn't die of covid. I'd rather go normally."
Me: "What do you mean, normally?"
Mum: "Of old age."
Me: "But you don't die of old age, you die of something. Your heart gives up or you get cancer...." (Thinks, OK, let's shut down this conversation!")

What has been awful is people dying of covid and not being allowed visitors. But covid in itself is worse than some deaths and better than others.