The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

My husband died and I had, to my face...

How long do you think it will take you to get over this? (The day after he died)

Any day now, any day lol

😮

My boss offered his condolences before my father died. He also asked (after my dad died) if I was going to take the day of the funeral as holiday or unpaid leave.

After the beloved dog we’d had for over 14 years was PTS, a colleague said, ‘Well, you can always get another.’

As if we’d had the TV nicked or something. 😥

After DD died aged 22, we bumped into a 'local' whilst we were out walking. He expressed his condolences followed by "at least she won't be a burden any more".
DD was born with a life limiting condition. I was her FT carer. Life changed beyond what we ever imagined but we never ever considered her to be "a burden". Even DH who is usually pretty quick with appropriate replies was stunned into silence.

My dad died aged 59, of a heart attack. A friend we saw the next day said " Sorry to hear this, but at least that's a nice, quick way to go."

I said " Yes, really nice to die in great pain, alone." He did look embarrassed.

My first miscarriage…my MIL wailed “what about me…I lost my grandchild” when people were giving me sympathy

Then she tried fake suicide when people still didn’t pay attention to her.

Big help MIL. Thanks

My mum died of covid at the end of march 2020. 7 months later dad died of cancer (6 weeks after his diagnosis). When dad died somebody actually said, to my face, "sorry to hear about your dad, but at least it wasn't covid like your mum, that would have been awful". Yeah because watching dad die was a fucking joy.

My MIL “comforted” me after my grandad died by expressing her surprise at my grief. “It’s not as though it’s your dad, it’s your grandad”

This is the same woman who raided her wonderful mother’s wardrobe taking what she wanted as her mother was in the same room on her deathbed

We are not close.

Not me but a colleague, at the start of a redundancy consultation call (as she was on bereavement leave and couldn't attend in the office - this was the day after the death)

CEO - sorry to hear about the death of your Mum

Colleague - thanks but that was many years ago. It was actually my Dad that died yesterday

FFS

"When you told us his cancer was terminal we thought you were lying.." said to me recently after DH's death

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know sometimes people word things clumsily when trying to convey condolences but that comment is truly awful

When my sister died after a very short, sudden illness a robot in HR told me I was only entitled to 3 days bereavement leave as she wasnt "close family". Luckily my boss and our Head of Service told them in no uncertain terms that I could be off as long as I needed and HR needed to do whatever they needed to do to make it work on her say so. I ended up taking a month off as she has orphaned two children and it took time to get them sorted.

Not close family.....awful.

I can’t bear the ‘good innings’ crap. She was my grandmother, not a cricketer who’s been bowled out.

It’s very personal and what’s appropriate for one isn’t for another but give me the (yes, perhaps a bit clunky but fundamentally honest) example in your OP anytime over cliched, meaningless utterances like ‘good innings’ and ‘with the angels now’.

😮

My sister who had special needs died very suddenly, which traumatised us all greatly. A close friend of my mothers wrote in a card 'at least she is normal in heaven'.
We believe that she would be the same in heaven, but that is a discussion for a whole other thread!

A Christmas card my dm received which was shortly after my df had died “Have the best Christmas ever”

My Dad took his own life when he was 46 and I was devastated. A friend phoned the next day and gave her condolences then asked me what she should do as she'd just fallen out with her dad. I quietly replied that at least she still had her dad to fall out which and hung up the phone.

ohfourfoxache I’ve heard horror stories of people raiding possessions or stealing money from dying relatives. It happened in my own family. I don’t know how some people sleep at night.

My mum died over Christmas whilst we were on Christmas holidays. First day back at work (but still before the funeral had even taken place) a colleague said to me ‘come to terms with it yet then?’

Also loads of people saying ‘at least she didn’t suffer’. She did, hugely, and I’m not sure where they got the idea that she didn’t from, but you’re just numb and don’t have the energy to argue so I’d just nod and make mmhmmm noises.

My friend’s cat died and someone actually said ‘Well, that’s a few less dead birds. But sorry anyway’.

@bloodywhitecat I don’t know what to say. That comment would have left me speechless.

Best way without making things worse is probably a simple " sorry for your loss"

No one knows what to say after a death.

The most affectionate and well meaning people often come out with howlers. But the sentiment of trying to help is there - sorry to sound pious.

What the actual! I'm so sorry you had this to deal with.