The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

This is a bit of an odd one, you don't come across well.

holy FUCK.

My beautiful three year old cousin died from leukaemia. Another relative said that she was glad and it was a blessing.

Darling Clare had Down's and was the light of our lives.

Possibly outing but some of these posts have reminded me of perhaps worst comment I’ve heard. A colleague’s young children were killed by their nanny, it was all over the news. A member of my team said “It’s awful but perhaps they worked her too hard. Sometimes people just snap when they are pushed too far”

We lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. My dad said "never mind, try again". That'll haunt me for life.

This will probably out me as I've name changed since and most likely will again now but my lovely dad died very suddenly a number of months ago. I joined a thread on this website supposedly for those in the same position. When I revealed my dad was elderly and that someone had really upset me in real life by using the "good innings, can't be sad type" of comment another poster, who had also lost their dad who wasn't significantly younger, said there was no comparison and their loss was so much worse and I had no right to compare mine to those of others on the thread.... they will never, ever know how much they hurt me at my absolute lowest hour when I was looking to connect with someone who understood the pain of losing a parent. It still upsets me massively to this day.

I was chatting to someone online and on the phone when my dad was ill. He was in his 80s - my dad, not the guy! We hadn't met - he lived 200 miles away- and I'd been thinking I didn't want to.

One evening I said my dad was a lot better and was out of hospital. The guy said "Oh for God's sake, I've just had my suit cleaned." Apparently he'd intended to come to the funeral and seemed most disappointed he'd spent a tenner unnecessarily.

That was our last conversation.

I still recall the horror in my parents' social group when their friends' twins (both twins) died of cot death and one of the group said something along the lines of 'I know exactly how you are feeling, my x dog and y dog both died so close together recently' to the mother. I was about 8 at the time but even I knew that the grief for a couple of King Charles spaniels was not an appropriate comparator to the death of two babies. I still think of how awful comment it was all these years later.

@MrsAliceRichards

Ex friend of mine came over after my FIL had died and said to DH “I guess you’re half orphaned now” DH replied “ I suppose I am” I was too gobsmacked to comment!

When my daughter died I received a card which said 'God wanted a flower for his garden and chose your child'.

I was really upset that anyone could even think to send a card with such appallingly crass words... especially as it was from another mother with children the same age as mine.

When my ds was dying in ICU, and was told that there was no hope. Whilst we were in bits and waiting for the official tests to confirm, my sister and my parents decided to announce to all my relatives and mutual friends my ds had passed away. So I was receiving messages of condolences before his actual death - including one from my dm asking when she could see my ds' body. My niece posted on her social media about losing a cousin - even before my dds had told their friends...

A few days afterwards I told dsis and my parents how upset I was over their 'excitement' to broadcast and sensationalise my ds's passing. They all denied it, blamed each other and never apologised to either my dds, dh or me. They think that I am now being dramatic for not wanting to speak to them now.

I respected your father, I didn't like him, but I respected him.

"I didn't see eye to eye with your father, he was full of hot air, but I'll say one thing for him, he always put his family first."

See I like comments like this, honest comment that really reflect the reality. I hate it when people are treated as saints because they are dead, those comments above were meant

My terminally ill brother and sister died months apart when I was a teenager. When my brother died someone told me "it's a shame DSis didn't go with him" and when she died someone told me "if only she'd gone 3 months earlier. You would've saved on funeral costs" also got told i was lucky to not be burdened anymore and I'd be the favourite child now.

My dd told me that when she was telling one of her friends how much she missed her brother, her friend told her that she had felt the same way when her pet hamster had died. (Dd's friend is 16 yrs)

I was helping my mother notify people of my father's death. Most were appropriate if sounding robotic but the worst was the hospital.

Me: I'm calling to cancel my dad's appointment as he's passed away

Them: No problem, all cancelled

WTF? No expression of sorrow on our behalf or even thanks for letting them know. Heartless arsehole!

I am so sorry, that is awful.

On my fifth and final miscarriage, and just before I went for surgery - my mother told me it was my fault, because I wasn’t married.
She wasn’t religious in any sense of the word.

These must have cut deep as you still remember them but they are probably quite common things to say with no malice at all

just when I thought my jaw couldnt get any lower!!

Aaah I love that.

When my FIl died there was apause between prayer and hymn in the church and my then 6 year old piped up loudly; 'Is this the bit where we sing Happy Birthday to Grandad now?'

It was actually delightful.

But some of the things people on here have had said to them are just awful. to everyone.

Not to a child. People should keep their thoughts to themselves.

My fiancé delivered the eulogy at my wonderful dad’s funeral, as neither my mother or I felt able to do so. He did it beautifully to a packed church (people were standing and out the door). He was only 23 at the time and he was so amazing.

At the wake, a golfing friend of my Dad’s approached him and told him that he should have spoken up, as it was hard to hear at the back. My fiancé said he’d remember for next time!!!!!! We still talk about it now.

She wasn’t offering her condolences, but I had absolute murder with one of my daughters teachers. My 13yo daughters best friend died in a tragic accident a couple of weeks ago. My daughter was too distraught to go to school the day after, but she went in the day after that. Not surprisingly she wasn’t 100% on the ball and she forgot one of her school books. Her teacher knew the reason why, but instead of comforting her ended up shouting at her ‘I’m not having this! You’d better be back to normal next week’ 😡

Ah I forgot my delightful aunt who said to me at my brothers funeral “Why aren’t you wearing [specific colour of clothing]. It was his dying wish on his deathbed, almost the last thing he said. He’d be so disappointed you’re wearing black”.

She was nowhere near his deathbed when he died!