The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

My colleague to me, on my return to work after having buried my mother, who had died on my birthday:
"I don't suppose you'll ever have a happy birthday again, will you?"

When my dd died it was all over a FB group for my hometown.
Most comments were about how she had died (she was murdered)
When people comment on a public page they forget that the person is someone's daughter, granddaughter, niece.
Reading about her was bloody awful.
I would never comment publicly about anyone who has died because there is always a heartbrokenfamily left behind.

Agreed - it is not just thoughtless and crass comments that hurt, it is the behaviour too.

I can empathise that people want to avoid seeing or talking to someone who is bereaved they don't want to cause upset - but it makes me feel as I am marked or that I will bring them bad luck or that I am to blame - when actually what I really want is a big hug or a little memory.

We lost our 1 year old last year after a short illness. She was put into a coma to try and protect her brain but it wasn’t enough and she suffered ‘brain stem death’. Two days after we had turned her life support machine off a family member visited us and said “aw love it’s better this way than her be a vegetable for the rest of her life” Honestly, I’ll never forget that. Unfortunately between me and my husband we have had many other flippant remarks, “it’s just how things were meant to be” , “you can always try again” , “at least you’ve still got DC1” etc.

One of the worst things - not to me but my DH who lost his father. Was absolutely nothing being said from his mum. Nada. Still waiting to hear her ask if he’s/was ever coping ok without his dad or any reference at all that doesn’t involve her. She was very caught up in her own grief, I understand that. But not even checking or asking ANYTHING in at any point? Harsh. I’m still rankled on his behalf many years later.

Not mine but DP's.
His brother died very suddenly at work. After the funeral we went back to the local pub that BiL had frequented. A group joined us and 1 woman was sobbing. DP tried to placate her to which she replied..."you don't understand, he (BiL), was like a brother to me". To say that DP was upset is putting it mildly.

I got told to "cheer up, it might never happen" at my dad's wake.....

However my young children made us laugh when, on being told that the wake was, "a party for grandad", demanded to know where the cake and balloons were 😂

My mum had been ill for a while but it was still a shock when she passed away. One friend, when I told her mum had died, said "oh well, you thought she was going to". She never said another word about it either!

When my mum died fairly young of a horrible cancer my cousin told me “never mind- this will cheer you up- I’m pregnant!”. As if I could give a flying fck about that when my mum just died

I always think of you when threads like this pop up. I hope you're well.

I’ve had you are joking in response to delivering sad news. I think it’s a pretty standard response when in shock as the emotions and rationale side align.

At the receiving line outside the church at my Dad's funeral, me standing beside my stepmother. One of her colleagues, while shaking my hand, said by way of introduction/sympathising "I'm a colleague of SM, but I don't know who YOU are". I gaped at her for a second before saying "that's MY father's funeral you've just been to". She scurried off.

I can’t agree that giving you something nice was the ‘wrong’ thing to do.

A relative put himself in the way of a train. Someone (previously close to m asked (me thankfully, not his parents) "so what was in the coffin anyway?" It was right after how I'd described the wave of emotion when I saw the particularly personal item on his coffin.

My gasp didn't clue them in to the barbaric question.

There are some truly thoughtless and indeed hurtful comments being shared on here.
Mine came from a former work colleague/friend who happened to be helping out at the church during my mom’s funeral. Having lost my Dad 12 months before and my DH to cancer she said ‘ ooh you have the full set now, a widowed orphan’ and laughed !

Also- I know there have been excuses made in this thread about how people don’t know what to say. Sorry but that’s a lame pathetic excuse. No one expects a bloody poem- but it’s not hard to simply say “I am so sorry” is it? There is no excuse for some of the vile and insensitive comments in this thread.

Nowhere near as awful as some PP (and so sorry about some of these, truly dreadful) but I have never forgotten the nurse at my third miscarriage. The doctor had just confirmed there was no heartbeat and left the room. The nurse, who must have been all of 25, said to me in a cheery tone "well, never mind, you are young, you can just try again". I was 45 and had had two previous miscarriages. (She knew about the previous miscarriages as I had mentioned them in her presence, and my date of birth was right up there on the screen). I said nothing.

My mum and dad had been married 27 years, about 2 weeks after my dad died a relative told my sister "your mum's a good looking woman she'll find someone else"

I agree completely

Bloody hell! Everytime I think they can't get worse!

'Have you been on holiday?'
'No I've been off because my Dad died'.
'Oh. You look really brown though'.

@Ihatethenewlook I would 100% cause a big stink at the school for that, it is appalling.

My grandmother collapsed and died 24 hours later in hospital of a catastrophic stroke. She was in her 80's and frail so it wasn't entirely unexpected, but obviously still not something you want to deal with.
I rang work and explained that I wouldn't be in because of the situation and that I'd be in touch after the weekend (while she was still alive) and that as my mum was away (frantically trying to get back) I needed to go to the hospital and act as her nok. My boss said that couldn't I just go in and get the hospital to ring work when it actually happened because they were short staffed already and have the conversations that needed to happen over the phone as I didn't really need to be there in person did I?
I said no, I was going to the hospital and she'd have to arrange cover, to which she huffed that she was supposed to be having a party that night and would now have to cancel.
In my back to work interview I said that I'd request of other relatives that they became ill, collapsed or died on my days off in future when given an earful about not being a team player, to be told to stop with the attitude, and told that it was inconvenient of me to request a full day off for the funeral and couldn't I at least work the morning.
I worked in elderly care that specialised in end of life care.
I left less than a month later.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Sorry to everyone for thier losses. My cousin let her children write the condolence card to our uncle when our aunt passed away. The 6yo wrote "sorry your wife is dead". The parents thought it was cute and sent the card 😳.