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Original poster

We were ‘that’ family…children’s birthday parties

235 replies

WildOnce · 29/06/2022 16:33

Went to a 3rd birthday party a few weeks ago. It was the first DS1 had been invited to and we went as a family unit. No one else had their partners there, only some had their babies. I had no idea it wasn’t the done thing as I am completely ignorant about party etiquette!

We have another coming up so mumsnet…is the unspoken rule that only one parent attends?

OP posts:
hassletassle · 29/06/2022 20:41

Perfectly normal ! And a small baby doesn't count !

DorritLittle · 29/06/2022 20:47

A partner and baby at a 3rd birthday party!? Totally normal. Any birthday party where adults need to attend - totally fine. I can't believe anyone is telling you otherwise.

A child joining in with a pay per guest party/ food is different because that scuppers planning.

Suzi888 · 29/06/2022 20:48

Both parent come to our school parties (on occasion) and they often bring siblings. As long as you pay for and supervise your child, I don’t see an issue.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Prinnny · 29/06/2022 20:54

If it was soft play or some other public place then I think it would be okay but to turn up to someone’s home with the full family without checking it’s okay with the host first isn’t just rude it’s cheeky as fuck 🙈

OverTheRubicon · 29/06/2022 20:54

@1000Pieces Why would your breastfed baby being older mean that one of you would have been happy to miss out on the opportunity to watch your older child 'experience a birthday party'?

Can only imagine the exquisite awkwardness of 10-15 parents and siblings arrayed around 5 little three year olds cutting some cake, with most of them completely ignoring the actual birthday child in favour of watching their own precious darling 'experience a birthday party '..

BakewellGin1 · 29/06/2022 20:56

DS is invited to a small church hall gathering this weekend.

35 children split across two nursery classes and that's without any of the party girls family/other friends not from school.

If each child brought 1 parent (obviously) that's 70 bodies in guests
If they brought an extra parent plus a sibling that is 140 people with only 35 actually invited.

I know not everyone will treat it as a family outing but if all had same idea that's a significant number of 'extras' even in terms of space.

We may be odd but we jump at the chance to not go to children's parties and have some peace for an hour or three

KittyKittyKat · 29/06/2022 20:58

I don’t like it when one particular friend always shows up with her husband in tow. It changes the dynamic

WimpoleHat · 29/06/2022 21:08

My kids are a bit older now. The answer always was one parent, unless you know the hosts well and/or you’re all specifically invited. But at 3, you’re still learning the rules of your own social circle and I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I knew one family who always - always - rocked up to all parties as a family of 4, regardless of which kid had actually been invited. Dad would hold court and hoover up all the kids’ food. When one ballsy mother actually challenged him (“why are you here, Steven? 🤣”), the wife said “oh, we always all come” and seemed totally oblivious……!

minuette1 · 29/06/2022 21:14

WildOnce · 29/06/2022 18:58

Well it seems like an even split with strong feelings on both sides! I’ll go solo to the next one. I suppose my DH wanted to introduce me to the mum he knew as I am on Mat leave and most likely to do play dates.

by the way, there was no space issue, big house and garden. Baby, me and DH are and drank nothing whilst there either.

I think it's fine to bring a baby in a sling to a party especially if the other parent is away/otherwise occupied, but it is a bit odd for both parents plus the baby to come. I'm guessing you weren't offered any food or drink as the hosts were not pleased about your whole family attending for no apparent reason. Can I ask why your DH needed to make the introduction- if you'd shown up by yourself with your older child it would have been obvious who you are without your husband making a formal introduction.

Katya213 · 29/06/2022 21:25

Never heard of this or would take any notice if both parents turned up.

Original poster
WildOnce · 29/06/2022 21:28

@minuette1 no one was offered food and drink, apart from asked to hoover up left overs but it wasn’t a case of the hosts making everyone cups of tea. Understandably they were too busy, we were all playing with the kids. It would have felt odd for me to have turned up and DH not if he knew them and I didn’t. What would I have said? ‘Oh, my DH, the one you actually know, isn’t here because mumsnet told me only one parent is allowed to a child birthday party’?

Honestly, being a parent is hard enough without all these judgey secret codes and unnecessary derision when someone asks a honest question.

I’ve got what I needed from the thread - a balance of views that will inform what we do at the next party and I maintain that it’s a 50/50 split. Thanks to all those who expressed their views in a measured and open way.

OP posts:
JaniceBattersby · 29/06/2022 21:31

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about this at all OP. At my child’s seventh birthday a mum turned up with her four kids of varying ages, the youngest aged three, and left them while she ‘popped to the shop’ for two hours.

I shouldn’t have been surprised tbh as she once told the reception teacher she’d be late to pick her kid up and ‘could she just watch her for half an hour’

brown543 · 29/06/2022 21:57

It would have felt odd for me to have turned up and DH not if he knew them and I didn’t. What would I have said? ‘Oh, my DH, the one you actually know, isn’t here because mumsnet told me only one parent is allowed to a child birthday party’?

But I don't really understand why your husband didn't go on his own in that case. There'll be plenty of future parties if you want to be the adult that stays and watches your child.

I wouldn't have said anything but I'd have been slightly cursing extra adults if I was hosting a party in my house. Particularly the ones who've mentioned they hover when the kids are playing together.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/06/2022 22:05

I wouldn't worry, but I wouldn't go as a family again. Definitely expected to be the invitee plus someone to supervise them (babe in arms is fine to take if necessary). If you have a young baby I would absolutely expect your partner to be taking the older one to parties.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/06/2022 22:12

I've taken DD to a birthday party when she was about that age and took DH because I didn't know the other parents very well and needed someone to talk toGrin.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 29/06/2022 22:15

Soft play or somewhere fine, wouldn't rock up to a party at someone's house with all the family though or with children older than a baby

Herejustforthisone · 29/06/2022 22:59

Christ. Some people on here are so….tense. It must be so hard to be you lot. Life must be a constant battleground of triggered rage and offence.

I don’t think I’d even notice if two parents came with their child, instead of the (apparently) requisite one.

And I’d bloody well have offered them a cup of tea.

minuette1 · 29/06/2022 23:00

WildOnce · 29/06/2022 21:28

@minuette1 no one was offered food and drink, apart from asked to hoover up left overs but it wasn’t a case of the hosts making everyone cups of tea. Understandably they were too busy, we were all playing with the kids. It would have felt odd for me to have turned up and DH not if he knew them and I didn’t. What would I have said? ‘Oh, my DH, the one you actually know, isn’t here because mumsnet told me only one parent is allowed to a child birthday party’?

Honestly, being a parent is hard enough without all these judgey secret codes and unnecessary derision when someone asks a honest question.

I’ve got what I needed from the thread - a balance of views that will inform what we do at the next party and I maintain that it’s a 50/50 split. Thanks to all those who expressed their views in a measured and open way.

But it was your child being invited not your husband so it wouldn't really have mattered who took him/her. I don't think there are any 'secret codes' you are not privy too, just common sense. If your child gets an invitation it doesn't extend to the whole family, especially if it's at someone's house, just one parent is fine.

liveforsummer · 30/06/2022 07:15

It would have felt odd for me to have turned up and DH not if he knew them and I didn’t. What would I have said? ‘Oh, my DH, the one you actually know, isn’t here because mumsnet told me only one parent is allowed to a child birthday party’?

You'll get loads of invited to parties where you don't know the parent. Nothing at all odd about it. You don't need to mention dh you say 'Hi, I'm Bobby's mum' or whatever as you wound any other party where you don't know the host

1000Pieces · 30/06/2022 09:20

liveforsummer · 30/06/2022 07:15

It would have felt odd for me to have turned up and DH not if he knew them and I didn’t. What would I have said? ‘Oh, my DH, the one you actually know, isn’t here because mumsnet told me only one parent is allowed to a child birthday party’?

You'll get loads of invited to parties where you don't know the parent. Nothing at all odd about it. You don't need to mention dh you say 'Hi, I'm Bobby's mum' or whatever as you wound any other party where you don't know the host

The event wasn't about you or your husband. Your child had been invited to celebrate another child’s birthday, and as your child is 3, he had to be brought by an adult.

That's it. No one is thinking about who you are or what your relationship to the birthday child’s parent is.

1000Pieces · 30/06/2022 09:20

@liveforsummer I was agreeing with you obviously!

1000Pieces · 30/06/2022 09:23

Herejustforthisone · 29/06/2022 22:59

Christ. Some people on here are so….tense. It must be so hard to be you lot. Life must be a constant battleground of triggered rage and offence.

I don’t think I’d even notice if two parents came with their child, instead of the (apparently) requisite one.

And I’d bloody well have offered them a cup of tea.

Until recently we lived in a tiny tiny flat. We had a few small birthday parties there. It was crowded. There was no way we could have fitted in double the number of adults. Lucky you not to have ever had to consider that.

Maybe consider your own privilege before mocking others who don't have the luxury of large houses and calling them "triggered", "tense" and looking to take offence.

starray · 30/06/2022 09:34

It really depends on the rules of the party venue (some only allow as specific number of children at a time), also depends on whether it is a pay per child activity. Not fair for the party host to have to pay for your other child when they only invited one. Depends on whether you let the party host know beforehand and asked if the whole family could be there (mainly so they can be prepared with extra food). Depends on how involved your other child will be. It can totally change the dynamics of a party if a younger sibling starts wanting to join it. So - on the whole, I wouldn't recommend it unless desperate!

starray · 30/06/2022 09:36

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 29/06/2022 22:15

Soft play or somewhere fine, wouldn't rock up to a party at someone's house with all the family though or with children older than a baby

Well, at least you didn't just leave and asked the host to look after your other child! ha ha

starray · 30/06/2022 09:40

JaniceBattersby · 29/06/2022 21:31

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about this at all OP. At my child’s seventh birthday a mum turned up with her four kids of varying ages, the youngest aged three, and left them while she ‘popped to the shop’ for two hours.

I shouldn’t have been surprised tbh as she once told the reception teacher she’d be late to pick her kid up and ‘could she just watch her for half an hour’

I would have been furious about this as I would have wanted to spend time with my own child on their birthday instead of baby-sitting and possibly even changing nappies. Especially if it was the kind of party where I had to organise my own games, and I was the one preparing all the food. That parent would never had their children invited ever again.