15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

This message really grates on me. You known lots of children start nursery before they can understand 'Mummy's coming back'. As a PP said, they learn this though having a little time away from you at first, then gradually longer. They don't have to understand the actual words.

In answer to your question 'Why am I being pressured?' because they are professionals who think this is best for your child. You don't have to agree, but you seem adamant that you're right whilst also not seeming to know what nursery is actually like (the most 'routine' I've ever seen in a nursery is when meals are/shall we go out to the park this morning or this afternoon etc. It's massively less strict that your post makes it seem like you think it is).

My suggestion, like others have said, is give nursery a go, or at least look into the reasons the HV etc thinks it's better, and what nursery is actually like. I just feel like you've made your decision with missing information.

If it helps to know, for starting nursery with my DC they always did an hour with a parent, then two/three hours just the child before they even officially started. Then you could always pick them up when you want. I use to do half a day, then once I knew they were ok with that three quarters of a day, then when that was good full days. With all DC we were at full days happy maybe two/three weeks after starting.

Personally I would try it. My DD had a speech delay and I paid for 3 months of private SALT which helped very slightly. I then put her in nursery two mornings a week and she was fully caught up with her speech within another 3 months. She'd never been left with anyone before due to covid but adjusted really well and is now so so confident and absolutely loves it (we only do one morning a week now shes fully settled in but she would happily go more often)

I just feel as if the fact I probably even have to now qualify my decision to the hv and show my alternative plans if we don’t accept nursery isn’t fair and is probably not expected of other parents

It's not expected from other parents who decide not to put DC in childcare, if there are no developmental concerns. But in your case OP, there are concerns. I have a child with SEN (though they have been in nursery since before the SEN/delays became apparent). I have to do extra paperwork, appointments, chasing referrals etc and all sorts of life admin that non-SEN parents don't have to. It's not fair, but here we are.

The GP/HV are offering you a funded solution to potentially help DC get some extra support. It's not compulsory, but I don't think it would be totally unreasonable of them to ask you what your plan is if you choose not to take it up. Yes, the HV can absolutely do regular progress assessments but they will be less accurate than if they were done by someone who sees your DC every week. Plus HVs are generally stretched and in their mind they are offering you a mechanism for this to be done through a funded nursery place.

Personally I would follow the HV advice, it sounds like your DD has a lot to gain from a nursery setting that you just don't get from a playgroup or being with you.

This is no judgement on you at all.

There is a lot of research on how DC develop in a nursery setting. My DC were in nursery from about 10 months as I had to work. I was initially worried but they both thrived there.

The separation anxiety, that she may have, will only get worse, the longer she stays with you.

I would definitely give it a try.

From what you've said, I agree with the health visitor and GP.
You're struggling to manage her weight and it really is very difficult for people when they begin life overweight. It's very very hard to undo. And you're letting it become an issue.
She needs socialisation. It will help her speech.

A few hours a week will be good for her.

Absolutely agree with this. You know your child best.
Also would suggest you keep autism on your radar and look up / research about autism. Lots ringing true from what you have said here.

I use to work in two year funding. The reason it exists is because as a general rule the children eligible are the ones mostly likely to not be meeting developmental targets on starting school. The theory is that the extra year of pre school would give these children a boost to support them in starting school.

However if you do not need to access it and are confident you can provide stimulating activities and experiences for your child do not feel pressured all nursery/education is optional until the term after a child turns five.

If you have concerns about speech have you been refers to salt? In some areas you can self refer.

You don't though. You can just say thanks but we've decided. And then they can reiterate they think it's a good idea and then you can say no we're OK thanks. How often are they contacting you?

How often are they contacting you?

I'd certainly recommend it, even if you start off for a couple hours every few days. My son went to nursery from 6 months, 3 x 0.5days/week. Worth a try. My niece never went, and you could tell she was really shy and got quite overwhelmed by the time she started school. What have you got to lose?

If they have concerns then they will be on your back

Surely you want the best for your child and are willing to listen to more experienced people to achieve that ?

I agree with the HV. I don't believe keeping them at home is the right thing developmentally (I will get slammed for this in typical MN fashion). They learn so much at nursery and I think it's good for them to have experiences and relationships away from you.

Not trying to be rude but this sounds more like an issue with OP not wanting to be separated from their child. Professionals have said give it a go, it would be good for child’s development. What’s the harm in trying it esp if it’s free hours. Atleast try it for a month or two and then reassess.

Not at all.

But as a send parent you will soon realise support isn't always that forthcoming and you learn to take what's offered.

Please don't see it as a judgement on your parenting but rather professionals offering what your dd needs.

You've said you decided when she was tiny that you'd start her in nursery at 3, well that may have been fine if she didn't have SEN but she obviously needs more than you can provide for her and the HV is signposting you towards help which is available now. Being assessed in a formal childcare environment could see your DD getting access to all sorts of help but you delaying her starting to access that process because you 'believe' it's not best for her could have a detrimental affect on her development.

The longer you leave it, potentially the separation anxiety would be greater

A friend of mine had similar. The reality in her case is she didnt want to be without her DD.
Her dd is now 7 and my friend still regularly gets upset after school holidays etc.

If you are being told by multiple professionals to send her then I would listen. It would likely benefit both you and her in the long run. You can still do your groups, just send her for a day or two or two or three mornings?

@strawberrycustard apologies I’ve read your messages but not rtft, has your DD had her hearing assessed recently? Some of the symptoms you’re mentioning may indicate it’s worth a new assessment.

OP you're her mother and I'd say go with your gut. I don't think being in a nursery and then changing 12 months later is ideal.

HV are a mixed bunch, with one of mine HV insisted she needed speech therapy. I thought it was rubbish but agreed to go along. We got our appointment and it was interesting to watch as I didn't know how they'd assess a 3 year old. At the end the speech therapist turned to me and said, "Why are you here?" I said that HV said DD needed it. Speech therapist said, "She's ahead on everything, she just talks fast." I said that was funny because I'd said to the HV that I thought what she thought was a speech delay was actually just that DD's mouth couldn't keep up with her brain. Speech therapist agreed.

I hope your little one enjoys her year at home with mum and you do lots of fun stuff.

I know her best and I know she needs to build confidence from groups with me and gradual separation in a known environment 1–1 with mil or another close relative. I want to do things gently as how her difficulties are presenting means this is what I think will help her and we will work towards a nursery start as planned at 3. I’m not refusing professional advice or input but I think there’s an alternative way to help dd that isn’t nursery right now

We put our youngest in nursery at 2 because everyone said it would be good for and give me a break (very high needs child, separation anxiety)

it was a disaster. She completely freaked everytime I left and was trying to climb out of windows. Became so distressed she went into full shut down (went to sleep, this was not normal for her and a sign she had gone into survival mode)

we kept trying for about two months.

She was sleep talking and saying “I’m too little”

She stopped eating in the mornings and would cry silently on the way.

We stopped it.

we tried again at 3 years old.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE!
she went in happily, whilst other kids were thrashing and wailing she was waiting in her chair for circle time to start.

She just needed to be a bit older so she could understand I was always coming back and she was somewhere safe and fun till I did.

She was diagnosed autistic by the time she was in Y2 of infant school (the experts at nursery didn’t spot it…)

i think SOME children benefit from that early social experience but some need longer to be ready and for it to be positive and enriching.

We live in a society where the role of a mother is both under intense scrutiny and we get blamed for anything amiss but also undervalued. Our society benefits from early separation of mothers and children, because then they (theoretically) are able to work and pay tax and we are all socialised into thinking organised childcare is somehow far superior to staying with a parent and getting one to one support.

somehow choosing to be a SAHM is seen as less than and inferior to putting children in paid childcare.

you could try a few weeks to see how she takes to it but be prepared if it’s going badly and you want to stop to have the world and his wife telling you that you didn’t give it long enough.

I removed my child from nursery because I’m her mum and I know her better anyone else and I knew it was not doing her any good at that point. I also knew she was ready at 3 and happily sent her off to have some fun whilst I got a cup of tea in peace 😂

I agree. Is there a chance there is maybe some post natal anxiety or just general anxiety around leaving her?
So much support around to help you both move on with the next step in your lives and reach all the milestones you can. Seize those opportunities and look after yourself.
They call this the golden 5 years as it’s the time that matters the most for development. This is why they want support for her now and not to wait and waste those golden months of development without what could be really brilliant support.
If she was to go in half days then you would still have the afternoons to take her to groups and do your own thing.
They don’t think you’re a bad mum, they are just very experienced with children of this age and these problems and know what works and what hinders.

You are helping her develop at home
And that is great
But when you have a child with sen
You need to take all the help being offered
Because they dont just pick it up naturally.
And nursery will help with settling in etc

It is so important for you and dd you dont burn out
Intriduce now to other setttings where you get a break
You cannot do it all

When do you get time off?
When do you go out for exercise or well being without her?
Does hercdad have her the whole day while you get r and r?
With SEN child this becomess so important you only need look to see parents burning out with older SEN children...take this early offer of support.

You want to be mum to her not educator and therapist 24/7

Try nursery for a few months

she wont get used to new environments otherwise we sometimes have to nudge our sen kids and accept help and respite

She had a hearing test at hospital when she was born but nothing since - maybe I should ask the hv , I think her hearing is ok as she reacts to loud noises but doesn’t follow instructions or respond to her name but I felt like she either doesn’t understand some things or is just in her own world

@Cornettoninja well what would you call it?

Accessing services/professional support? ‘Palming off’ suggests ignoring which is the exact opposite of what the OP’s HV is trying to do.

It’s an offer not a legal obligation.