15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

Having read your comments I think you'd both benefit from nursery a few hours a week.

Just as nursery is a choice, so too is the HV service. You can opt out if you prefer to.

School is also a choice, later down the line, if you feel home education would be better suited, and you can meet her needs better. Many SEN children thrive in a home ed setting. Just something to additionally consider, not that MN is keen on home ed generally.

Brainer, not brainier!

OP please do what you think best for your child, and don't be pressurised by anyone. You're her mum. Two is very young. Why rush a separation you feel she's not ready for?

My son doesn't have SEN but was a later talker (2 before he had more than 20 or so words) and clams up and withdraws in social situations when he feels uncomfortable. He will literally put physical distance between himself and others and watch from afar. When I am with him I just reassure and wait for him to participate in his own time.

He started nursery at 2 years 2 months and his language blossomed. I get pictures from the nursery and have seen him in the setting myself and he will either be close to the action joining in or doing his own thing watching from further away. He isn't made to join in and if he was distressed his key worker would help him through it.

It took about a month of 1/2 sessions a week to settle at drop off after I left. So he would cry and get upset at first but once I was gone he'd be fine and have fun there. It took 6 months in total for him to wander in happily without a backwards glance. I would say prior to nursery his separation anxiety was quite bad. He was with me 24/7 but since nursery he is so much calmer and happier when I'm not around.

So what I mean to say is if your child has additional needs she would surely benefit even more than my son has perhaps starting now will be the key to getting them settled when your preferred setting comes up. They will learn so much.

Honestly just do it! She will gain a lot and you’ll get 15 hours a week!

nurseries are brilliant if you can get the right one. Or what about a local church play group they tend to be ofsted registered and you can use the hours

We already do toddler groups and a messy play group

I could add swimming etc

I would consider private salt or ot whichever is appropriate

I just feel as if the fact I probably even have to now qualify my decision to the hv and show my alternative plans if we don’t accept nursery isn’t fair and is probably not expected of other parents

We are already seeing a dietician about weight so that is taken care of

The day she turns 3 something isn't going to magically 'click' and she will be less needy just because of a new age. She needs to be taught that, unless you want to be 'that parent' on the first day of Reception with your kid clinging to you and howling. Nursery will help her speech, her social skills, her dietary routine, and will make her adapt. Keeping things all nice nice and comfy isn't doing her any favours.

i Thought like this wen my hv mentioned it to me. My ds had separation anxiety(wouldn’t even go to his dad at one point)but he has been going since September and absolutely loves it. Took to it like a duck to water. Had a few wee teary days at the start but was fine once they got him in nursery room. He also struggles with speech, could only say a few words when he started now full sentences and a wider vocabulary although he is still not good at pronouncing his constants, which makes it tricky to understand what he’s trying to say but they have there own speech therapist who will b working with after the summer. I think this is much better than having to deal with one at a clinic or hospital as they will b more relaxed being in a familiar environment but ultimately op it is ur choice. U are not wrong if u decided to wait until dc is 3

This all sounds about your needs and desires rather than your DD's. Sorry to be harsh but how would she cope if you were rushed into hospital or worse? You are really not doing her any favours, let her try a couple of sessions at a well run setting.

With my oldest we where pretty much nocturnal due to working nightshifts, he didnt go to any clubs or even out of the house when other kids where awake (the local soft play use to open at 8pm just for us and we had it to ourselves) and he was not in nursery until 3 when they suddenly kept insisting he needed 'socialising'.

With my younger DS he spent 2 of his first 3 years in lockdown (so no clubs or playzones or playdates) and went to nursery at 3 (wasnt eligible before that anyway). He did go to soft plays regularly between 6 months and 12 months but then lockdown hit but he never played with other kids etc...

My youngest has been offered an hour a week at the nursery (parents have to stay) its an odd baby club thing they are trying but I have no urge to do that either. She is constantly catching every virus (seems rife since lockdown) so we dont take her to softplays etc...

Going to nursery at 3 has worked perfectly fine - my kids are all smart, social and well adjusted.

I do think school is important for learning social skills but theres no rush to force it on a baby, I think kids that starting reception at 4/5 without ever going to nursery will catch up just as well as those that have been in nursery 40 hours a week since 6 months.

OP please do what you think best for your child

Every parent wants to do the best for their child. But part of that is realising that the best thing for the child, isn't always what the parent would have chosen.

Op is continuing with a decision made when her child was very small, possibly even before they were born. It's important to reasses decisions and choices as a child grows, and do the best thing for them, even if it wasn't what you originally planned or wanted.

My DS went to nursery for 3 days a week from 12 months old. We increased it as he got older.

I'm going against the grain a bit but i would head off the HV / GP by saying that you are researching nursery provision because it's really important for your DD that she gets the right environment. Tbh I'm not sure I would consider it knowing what I know now about nurseries - there is a huge turnover of staff, they don't necessarily have the time or resource to support children with additional issues (even if they say they do).

I'm also aware that for some children going v part time ie 15 hours is actually more disruptive / difficult for them as they need routines and it is too upsetting to be in many different childcare settings during the week. My DS nursery insisted that children under 3 went for a minimum of 2 full days per week simply because of the settling/routine issues. I would also take into account whether you would be looking at a nursery attached to a school when DD is older as this may be better equipped to meet her needs

I think it is much much more important that you press for proper assessment and support for those areas you've identified ie sessions with a speech therapist, referral to a dietician, information on other local groups etc. It does sound like they want you to put DD in nursery simply as a tick box exercise. And I think you'll find a lot of Covid babies / toddlers are delayed in some ways

havent rtft but can you stay with her at nursery at least for a while till she gets used to being there.

You what you feel is right for your child. You could try one afternoon each week if you like. You are her mum and you know her best. I work in child development. My little boy's is behind in some areas. I ended up opting out of health visiting service due to the pressures they placed on us. Very sad but we are much happier. He goes to nursery now but we started very slowly and I was of the opinion if he didn't settle I would keep him at home with me. We did this on his timeline not anyone elses.

I just feel as if the fact I probably even have to now qualify my decision to the hv and show my alternative plans if we don’t accept nursery isn’t fair and is probably not expected of other parents

I think it's fair enough and would be expected of parents in similar positions.

But this thread appears to be all about how you feel about the above paragraph rather than what might be best for your daughter.

You could still do all of the things, you say you will do, on your list and 15 hours of nursery. I'm sure the benefits would be enormous. Anyway...

I was rushed to hospital for emergancy surgery when my oldest was 3, the nursery refused to have him that week because 'they're not trained to deal with that situation and emotional distress'... my DS was not remotely distressed (he the most irratatitingly stoic kid you will ever met lol).

Why on Earth would you encourage someone to opt out of HV services, because they don’t like what the HV is saying?
you can’t stick your La-La-La-I’m-not-listening hat on and still claim you’re doing the best for your child

OP,
if you qualify for free hours for her, you must be on a low household income

Private SALT is going to cost a lot, so will swimming lessons and lots of the other sessions that have been suggested to you

are you sure you can commit to these costs on an ongoing basis?
SALT is going to be in the region of £50 per session, for example

Or alternatively, you could have many of the activities provided for free at nursery

@Cornettoninja well what would you call it? It’s proven scientifically that children under the age of three gain nothing from being in a childcare setting and if they’re suffering from separation anxiety and possible undiagnosed SEN it is even more of a reason not to.
Yes it’s time consuming for professionals to diagnose a child outside of a care setting but it is in the child’s best interests to do so. I think OP you need to dig your heels in, say your amenable to assessment and diagnosis but are advocating for your child by keeping them with their primary care giver until older. You are not turning down care, you are not isolating your child. Ask them to do their jobs and refer you. Ask for recommendations of what you can do at home. They are not your child’s parent or get to make this choice.

P.s even if I took my ds to the park, if another child said hello he would run and hide behind me but he has went from being the shy clingy kid to basically the ringleader in his class lol. His key worker said he has absolutely no fear and is always the first one to try something new then get his friends to join in. I am already dreading the phone calls I will no doubt receive when he goes to school 😂

You have to do what is right for you.

However, you mentioned that your DD has speech problems. My son's BF had speech delay. He went to the same nursery as my DS. They had someone who was trained in Makaton who taught him and the rest of the children how to sign. So if DS's friend needed a drink and it was missed in the melee of kids all chattering, someone would tell the nursery staff 'x is signing that he needs a drink'.

From there the nursery worked with him (alongside portage who linked into the nursery so they built on sessions) to get him saying what he was signing. By the time he started school, you'd never know his background. He's now at secondary school and was school year prefect a couple of years ago.

It's worth a visit to the nursery and having a chat with them to find out how they would support your daughter if nothing else. The amount of information we got from the assessments they do regularly on each child was amazing and very helpful.

My dd didn’t say a word. Nor did she eat anything other than breast milk for her first 2.5 years.

She was at nursery for 3 months completely silent and then came out with full sentences.
It was as though she didn’t want to say anything until she was confident that she could speak properly

The eating issue took another 3 months to resolve.

I paid for 6 months of lunches that went untouched.
In the beginning she would look around at the other children and then when she learned to speak she would chat with her friends but the lunch, usually a sandwich and a cake and a water would go untouched until one day she took a single nibble of the sandwich. Then the next day she had a little more.

I too think your child needs to try nursery. It is the social interaction with other children her age that I think nursery gives them.

Maybe try 1 or 2 mornings per week to begin with.

And like every profession there are good and bad HV. Mine was useless and was unable to deliver any of the actual practical things I asked her to do to support DS with his dietary issue but spent a lot of time talking about what I should do and providing out-of-date information. Meanwhile NDN HV was fantastic

This isn't necessarily true. Both my children became a lot more independent around age 3, probably related to the increase in physical and verbal abilities at around this age. Neither went to nursery (or any other child care setting) until 3.5, but they both settled at nursery quickly and happily and were very much ready for school a year later.

However: it does sound like OP's child could do with a bit of extra help. Perhaps a compromise might be to start with nursery just a couple of mornings a week (2 x 3 hours) and see how that goes?

@blublub

its ‘scientificlly proven’ that some children from some demographics benefit hugely

one of those groups is low income households, hence the provision being offered to very low income families

please don’t confuse things that have findings at a population level vs for specific cohort groups