15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

My husband does and I don’t. It’s just something they offer if you’re under a certain income

If you feel she is not ready then tell them no. Not every child needs a nursery despite what everyone says. I have worked in the childcare field for over 30 years and if I had my own children they would not go to a nursery. I am not anti nursery but pro parental choice for their own child. I do suggest however that you push to access support for her through your health visitor. There are groups that you can attend that you can access support for speech and language. If you feel that your child does need something extra that you can't provide then perhaps a childminder might be a more gentler approach for them. They are normally smaller groups and do often accept 2 year old funding.

It depends what kind of nursery they are talking about .. is it a normal nursery or will they be doing speech therapy ? When my nephew was 2 he had speech delays and they sent him to a nursery which specialised in speech therapy which is why they sent him . In my experience a normal nursery didn’t make any difference in development delay or speech with my son . He has autism/ development delay (wasn’t diagnosed until 5) and when he was 2 hv made me feel so guilty because he wasn’t going to nursery and he wasn’t talking at all at this age but I was also sahm. When he was 3 I sent him to a normal nursery but it made no difference as he wasn’t speaking and they found it difficult to communicate with him. When he was 4 and starting school he got a echp and he is now in a specialist unit this helped his speech and helped his communication . They were using now and then cards , sign language etc he’s 6 and he’s speech has really improved .

@UnimpeachableBravery Really? I never knew that! I'm England and virtually no one can get the 15 hours at 2 years unless they are a lone parent or the child has DLA (which is virtually impossible before 3 years old)

I agree with the H/V

Speaking of husband, what does he think?

The same as me

I'm just curious, is that because he leaves the chilcare stuff to you, or does he also think staying at home is the best decision for your DD?

If it's option 2 what is he doing to help support your DD?

@strawberrycustard

You probably feel for at on this thread. I can see why you would feel defensive.

Honestly, I feel quite concerned for your DD.

You've identified some issues that need checking. But she has no diagnosis, understandably at 2.

You are making something very normal (getting upset when mum leaves) into something much more than it is.

You are closed to the idea of even checking out nursery as a possibility. Why is that? I know you feel it's not needed until she is 3, but where's the harm in just checking it out, at least?

The issue with weight & milk makes no sense at all.

• got at - not 'for it'

In Wales we have a scheme called Flying Start which covers the most deprived areas and gives enhanced HV support, quicker SALTetc referrals and 15hrs childcare after their 2nd birthday regardless of parents employment status (pre lockdown there were also parenting groups and a lot of mental health support but I don't know if they are still a thing)

followed by a load of spiteful rubbish much like when I’ve had people say to me im not being racist but then proceeded to make some kind of racial slur. It’s a bit of a go to isn’t it to start off an insult by denying you’re about to do it 🤦‍♀️

And the people who say, I'm not being judgmental, then proceed to say the most judgemental thing I've ever heard😂😂.

Sorry if I have missed this, but what year does you DD go to school.
Would it be her being in nursery for the year, then school that next sept, so would she have 2 years at nursery ?

They can provide speech therapy outside of nursery, or you can source that yourself.

I think if she will be heading school straight after the year at nursery then I would probably send her, it's a gentle, couple of hours to introduce her to separating from you. At that age my DS didn't learn more in nursery than at home, but it did introduce him to a setting with a-lot of children, with me not there, and how to navigate that.
It exposed him to childrens behaviour he had never experienced before so it wasn't another thing to get used to in school.

But do what you think is right, the HV are not always right and you could always try her out for a month or 2 and if she doesn't settle pull her out.

No it’s not just left to me we discuss things and make decisions equally.

when he’s not at work he takes dd out or reads to her etc it obviously harder for him to do groups or appts and things so I usually take her as he is at work

Because my plan is to start nursery at 3. Some people send their dc to nursery at 3 months or others don’t use nursery at all and send their dc straight to reception - it’s personal choice. I want to take her to groups and allow her to develop at home then send her to a nursery at 3

Groups are more of a social thing for parents though, not children.

children learn far more when they’re out of their parents grasp.

No the ones we go to are structured and they have play leaders there who make sure we are engaging with our dc (no phones joining in etc)

I don't mean this to sound harsh so apologies if it does but if your plan involves starting to work when your child is 3 then you'd need to start looking quite early as it can be quite tricky to find the hours to suit when you've been out of work for a couple of years. Please ignore this if it is not relevant I just thought I'd raise it as I know a couple of people who've thought oh I'll start work when my child goes to school etc and then found it really really hard to find something.

Play groups?

Beam me fucking up.

That's pretty much every playgroup. I've never been to a play group where a group leader has to tell people to get off their phones..That's basic supervising your child..

I was responding because someone said groups are a social thing for parents but the ones we attend aren’t just parental sitting round chatting and socialising and having tea it’s very structured and they want everyone engaging with their child not each other.

We have play dates at friends houses that is parkway socialising but the groups we attend are for the children to do messy play/ music etc

I’ve never actually seen anyone on their phone it’s just on the booking information things like no phones no snacks from home etc and the leaders are very good making sure everyone is getting the most from the sessions

What groups are you going to? My son is just under two and I don’t talk to any other parents, I haven’t got the opportunity, he’s usually too busy dragging me about things and asking me to play with things. It’s older children that go of with their friends. If he’s in a confident mood he’ll go off and do something at some groups but mostly we play together both outside and inside the house.

this age is still so little. Lots of children this age don’t want to be alone.

OP I can’t give you any advice as I don’t have a child with delayed speech etc. As I said previously, I have a child who spends most of his time with me and he is thriving because he gets one on one focus. He’s advanced for his age, so I don’t think what works for one child works for another reading some people’s experiences on this thread. But I do think you should talk to a paediatrician and get some proper advice before making your final decision.

This thread is getting shocking though. Some real nasty people commenting to you. I hope you’re thick skinned.

OP, I feel as though you've had a really hard time on this thread. I'm amazed you're still engaging as calmly as you are!

If I've read your posts correctly, you have another child who doesn't suffer from separation anxiety and isn't overweight. So clearly the issue is not with your overall parenting.

You proactively sought help regarding your daughter's refusal to drink anything but milk and are working with the dietician to address her weight problem. Given that you sought the help, I can't understand why you're getting flak for that.

You are correct in that studies show that in general nursery is not better for children than staying with parents under the age of 3 (mostly it has worse outcomes). Statistically it can be better for some low-income children from the age of 2, which is what some posters are referring to on here. However, I think it's a lot more nuanced than it just coming down to income. Given that you and your husband take an active interest in your child's care, you both read to your child and you take her out to groups, I'm not convinced that your child would benefit from nursery purely because you're entitled to the 15 free hours.

Anyway, I don't have much practical advice. I just wanted say that I think you have been unfairly characterised and I hope you're able to get the help your daughter needs in a way that works for both of you.

Thankyou. I appreciate all the helpful advice on this thread.

In regards to the goady unkind responses I just feel like it’s coming from a place of ignorance so I’m not annoyed or anything. It’s hard to get across everything here and perhaps some posters aren’t reading the full thread or could be making assumptions. I know I’m making the right choice so anyone saying I’m not, well, to be honest I’m not really going to pay any attention or feel offended as I didn’t start this thread to ask should I send dd I started it to see how to get the HV to back off !!

I’m definitely going to follow some of the advice and I will definitely be pursuing a hearing test referral and an asd referral