15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

Yes definitely.

And if this is the case I don't want to worry OP, but there is a chance it may be referred on if OP doesn't appear to be addressing concerns adequately.

@Hallyup89

i can assure you if one thing @BertieBotts is anything but misinformed. She is a huge asset to MN with interesting & well informed views.

whereas anyone who believes HV's are all highly trained & know what they're talking about are a tad deluded.

If it helps, my children experienced separation anxiety in different situations and to different degrees. I think all children do. I didn't buy into the theory expressed by some posters here that it was some kind of priority that I should get them through it and over it. We worked on it, yes, but at a pace that suited all of us. My kids went to nursery 3 sessions a week from 3 to 5 and then I home educated them (and will) till secondary age.

With greater emotional maturity, they have developed greater confidence, personally so they aren't people-pleasers, and socially so they know how to manage in a range of situations. My eldest has adjusted to secondary brilliantly. Where social problems arise, they are either normal to their age & stage, or at the hands of so-called socialised children who like to show their power over others. I am not claiming any expertise in parenting, but I'm very sure that there is no one size fits all solution.

I do feel as well and I may be wrong - that it’s being pushed as a cheaper alternative to speech therapy and portage which is what do asked about when development delay was mentioned

@strawberrycustard
This is probably true but offering a bit of nursery as a first step instead of immediately adding you to severely over subscribed waiting lists seems highly sensible to me. They essentially want nursery to triage your lockdown toddler to see if there is a more significant issue or not. I’ve been in the same situation myself.

I didn’t want to put my son into nursery either but as a lockdown toddler it wasn’t clear exactly how much of his development issues were lockdown vs additional needs. I was convinced he wouldn’t manage, wouldn’t be ok, he was too dependent on me…etc

He's actually come on quite a bit at nursery although it’s clear he does have ASD and we are waiting on official diagnosis. We’ve been on portage waiting lists for several months with no luck, eventually we got a private ST involved as were sick of waiting. Nursery make official observations for my sons evidence record too which is important.

Essentially if your daughter is just a later bloomer then nursery will likely bring her along, but if it is additional issues then at least it’ll highlight that and start a ball rolling. Either way it will give her some help now, speech therapists and portage almost certainly will not happen within 6 months, you’d be lucky within a year around here x

What I find odd is people thinking seperetion anxiety is bad in a small DC.
I don't, generally speaking I am against nursery, it seems unnatural.
But for this child, the set up is hardly optimal. At just 2 years old she's overweight, somehow already comfort eating. The mother is happy to facilitate this because she would find it a pain to do some parenting. It has been argued that overweight small children is abuse/ neglect. The child has delayed understanding as well as speech, but its the understanding that makes me wonder how much OP is interacting with her. I get the impression she babies her which can be detrimental for development. Of course it may be additional needs. Regardless of the cause, the child needs the early support only available to her at nursery. The benefits of that would outweigh any angst at drop off time. If OP picks a nursery with tapestry, she can see pictures of her child happy. In this instance, I agree with the numerous professionals that feel nursery would be in the child's best interests. The sooner this child gets help, the better her life outcomes will be.

Op as an early years practitioner, in my experience it is massively beneficial to speech delayed children to be in a setting. We regularly have professional speech therapists attending who not only monitor but also provide us with the techniques and tools to encourage and develop. These children then have access to speech therapy at every session they attend.
also all children can take some time to adjust and settle but in my experience a 3 year old who has only been at home takes longer than a 3 year old.
i would listen to the professional advice you’ve been given and maybe try it and see how you go.

The research is that nursery does really help children esp those on low income which you will be if you get offered the free hours at 2. They’re concerned because statistically a child who is from a low income family is more likely to have speech delay and be overweight. Those who do go to nursery have less of an educational gap when they start reception. That boost is even more pronounced for children from low income families.
Nursery staff will have a bit more clout to get in speech therapy etc

I don't understand why you're making this so hard - for the HV and for yourself - and moreover for your child, who clearly needs help.

You don't work with a dietician to work with her milk intake. Just stop giving it to her! Go cold turkey. The point the HV is making is that is a LOT easier to do if she's at nursery. To be honest, she's probably playing you anyway. In a different environment, it would break the habit.

You sound very very reluctant to hand her over to anyone else at all. This is normal when they're a newborn baby, but not so much when they're a toddler.

I think there's a lot more to this than the OP is saying.

Speech therapy isn't usually available till age 3 where I am. We did go to mother and baby groups at the local children's centre specifically aimed at those with delayed speech, is there anything like that going on near you?

Hi OP,
My young son (4 and a half) is largely non verbal and lacks understanding of language. He may have an autism diagnosis in the future (it's under consideration).

We paid for him to go to nursery (two afternoons then three) a little before he was three - largely because covid/lockdowns etc meant a lack of other activities and support being available but it was already clear that he had a speech delay. An issue was first identified by the two year check (on the phone with the health visitor due to covid) when it was clear that he would not follow simple instructions but until that point I hadn't realised how behind he was and this was not helped by not seeing other little children during covid.

I'm glad that you are planning to send your child to nursery even if that is at three and not two. What about 2 and a half - would that be a compromise you would consider?

A big benefit of sending your daughter to nursery is that if her problems are enduring the school and the involved professionals will keep the cogs grinding forward to make sure she had the help and support she needs when she goes to big school.

My son was invited to a nursery assessment placement by a special school (2 afternoons a week combined with 3 afternoons at his mainstream nursery). He has just this week received his EHCP and offer of a place at special school for September. Depending on the parent's preferences he could have been offered a mainstream place with adult support I believe. It has been tough emotionally. I did not want him to go to special school because I did not want him to have special needs - but he does, and I believe it is the best place to support him and allow him to thrive in time.

Anyway - I digress. My point is these things happen so slowly. Without nursery he may have had to start at mainstream school and with no funding for individual support. If you feel your daughter will be out of her depth at nursery consider how you might feel if she does have to start full days at mainstream school with no dedicated support (if her needs remain).

My experience of speech therapy (over the 2.5 years of professional involvement) is about three thirty minute assessments. If you think your daughter might be referred for weekly speech therapy or something like that - that has not been my experience. I don't know if any other parents have found that this was the case for their child but I don't think that is a possibility so I don't think it's a case of nursery or regular speech therapy more a case of nursery or nothing much.

If you allow the professionals (including nursery) to be involved you will find that they can back up your feelings and observations of your daughters needs and start pushing for specialist help. (My son has been going to nursery afternoons for 2 years and that hasn't helped him to communicate verbally). If you protect your daughter from involvement with the nursery and the professionals they work with they might think some of her issues are from being over protected/under stimulated (even this not being the case) and wait and see what happens later leaving her starting school unsupported.

It is hard I know.

I don't want to sound cruel but if a two year old is quite overweight, then you need to relinquish some control. You're not managing her as well as you hoped. Nursery might well encourage her to move about, break bad habits and inspire her to communicate with other people besides yourself. You'll know what she's meaning and might be jumping in before she really finishes her sentence - so she needs a lot more mixing. Of course you don't want to give her up for any time - she's pretty much your world - but you need to think of her. She might even enjoy herself and make more friends - perhaps even giving you new people and places to go.

You can just say 'no, that won't work for DD at this time, I will think about.it for next year' and then move on? Just rinse and repeat each time it is brought up, the HV can offer advice, but you don't have to take it.

I do agree with others on here though, it does maybe sound like nursery or pre-school may benefit your daughter a little bit. You are very focused on her separation anxiety, but from what I've read, am I right in thinking you maybe have some separation anxiety too, would you consider speaking to the GP for some help with your anxiety and self esteem? It might help you to help your daughter.

Your daughter is 2, and she needs to be nurtured as a 2yo and not a baby, you say you won't take away her milk as it is comforting to her, that is something you expect someone to say about their much younger baby. Whilst you absolutely don't have to send your daughter to nursery right now, as it's your choice and you know her better than anyone, you do need to make some changes, not just for your daughter but for you too 💐

For assumptions about your parenting you only need look as far as some of the previous posters.... The professionals can make similar assumptions. Give them the opportunity to prove that they can either help improve your daughter's outcomes or recognise that she has additional needs.

I think it's best for your daughter either way. She either comes on in leaps and bounds (great) or the professionals recognise that she does have an enduring issue and put the right support in place.

Honestly the reason they are pushing for nursery is because people who work with children all the time are the best are spotting what additional needs a child may have, they know how to get the best from a child. They aren't trying to be mean but a child is very different with others to their own parents.

You don't have to even do the full 15 hours just try a couple of mornings (3hours each time). I have seen first hand the difference it can make with a friends twins who are both autistic and neither spoke before attending nursery now they both do within a few months. Sometimes separation anxiety gets better the more you leave then somewhere and return as you are teaching them you will come back.

Why are you clutching to this whole age 3 thing?

you’ll probably still be experiencing some of these issues you’re opposed to atm.

if you’re not ready to be separated from her that’s fair enough, but please admit that and get help for it before you hold her back. It’s such a fight to get support with children who are behind, it would be miles better getting her the help and developing evidence in a nursery setting now, so that by the time she gos to school hopefully support will be on its way.

The dietician advised to cut down and NOT to go cold turkey with the milk so I am 100% working with them on this and following their exact advice. Not once have I said I wasn’t

Are you sure you're the best person to be doing that thought?
To get a 2 year old overweight to the point where there is intervention from professionals really isnt n

*really isnt normal.

You're saying it's the milk. It's because she gets so angry when she doesn't get it so you've allowed it to the point where she is overweight and needs intervention.

Sometimes, it really is better for the child to have some outside input from people full trained in childcare.

You can access SALT outside of nursery, you just self refer. Families with disabled children shouldn’t be forced to have their children in nursery to receive support.

Where did I say she has an anger issue …

This sounds a sensible approach and will show the HV you are working to support her and help you all access support

You said she gets upset when she doesn't get it.

Now, you could see she was eating too much. You could see she was overweight. You kept giving her the milk because she got upset if you didnt.

To me, that means she had a tantrum and you just gave in for an easy life and now she is overweight and needs intervention.

If you're saying it wasn't a tantrum and was actually just a hit upset then that's even worse. She was just a bit upset but you still carried ooh over feeding her to avoid some sadness.

It can be hard to say no when there are tantrums every day. We've all been there. You should have but we can understand ar least. However, if you carried on over feeding when she wasn't even having proper tantrums then why? Why couldn't you say no and sort it out?

It really sounds like you need to support, help and guidance of experienfed nursery staff. And so does your child.

Sounds like you want to take all this on yoursel
Why not offload to trained nursery staff and
Take a break ?
Why not agree to try nursery for few weeks? See how she gets on?

@LeeMiller I did a parent led intervention through CAMHS, I have heard of some other places that do child anxiety courses though, it could be worth looking into, even with backward steps it's been life changing for us :)