15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

How often is the HV asking you this though? For you to feel pressured? If you've just seen them at the 2 year review and gone no thanks then that's it? Or are the coming more frequently?

Nope. Correlation does not equal causation.

for your son’s unfortunate incident at his nursery - there are thousands of instances where such things have not occurred. you cannot seriously be equating your (awful) experience as establishing some sort of a causal relationship between attending nursery and being violently attacked. Please just think.

How much milk is she having? If she’s overweight then stop the milk. Be a parent and not a wet blanket!

strawberrycustard
No - in my OP I asked for advice how to get across to the HV that I don’t want to send dd at 2

I asked how I could articulate this

How often is the HV asking you this though? For you to feel pressured? If you've just seen them at the 2 year review and gone no thanks then that's it? Or are the coming more frequently?

I'd like to know that, as it sounds like they're coming more frequently if OP is feeling pressured. They must have concerns?

I won’t take away her comfort. We are working to reduce her intake

So far 3 times it has been pushed

It's hard choice as some nurseries can be better at getting children into systems when parental concerns have been ignored.

However I wish I'd stuck to my guns and started DD1 3 few months later - she's late August birthday - as I do think it made her more anxious.

At this age months do make a huge difference - 12 months is massive amount of time.

I did think benefits for my older two at least were over played - they'd have had more adult interaction with me at home and two different settings both pressured about toilet training which was unhelpful I also think it had minimal impact on the school readiness as I saw several children who'd been home till reception settle well.

If you haven't I would look at it - talk to staff and then decide - and possibly look at SEN boards here - but it is your choice and while many do well in such settings some like my DC do struggle with them and if you think she will then ignore and wait as you planned.

I'd just do a taster day or a few days and see how it goes. What would you lose if you did that? Some babies appear to have separation anxiety only to be absolutely fine once they're in nursery and happily distracted!

It will almost definitely help your dc development, if they have issues, to be in an environment where things are logged and efforts are made by several people every day to ensure your dc has more care than one person could ever give. This includes things like extra vocabulary, new toys and experiences outside what you're already offering (not necessarily better but different) and familiar faces for dc.

I find that in dc groups people come and go whereas in nursery there are usually some dc who will always be there on a regular basis giving your dc the chance to develop a different type of relationship with them as they are seeing the same dc more regularly too which in turn encourages and acts as an incentive dc to speak and interact more.

I'd like to know that, as it sounds like they're coming more frequently if OP is feeling pressured. They must have concerns?

Hence why I said if I were op I would be very wary about going against numerous professions advice (or pressure if op wants to call it that) They must be worried about her for this to have been mentioned on numerous occasions.

Op you have some excellent pro and cons here !
What I find odd is people thinking seperetion anxiety is bad in a small DC.

Anyway,lots of food for thought.
Normally I'd find it strange to push child away form mother but in this specific instance because of the depth of training and wealt of knowledge on development I personally think it's a good idea,even short term!

V good points about neuro typical DC and also how nursery can help with getting help.
Also the nursery should be listening to you as the parent.

What I'm finding odd is you are adamant not to even try it?

Just wanted to offer my support OP in the sea of people that don't understand. I have an autistic DS who is now doing very well. I was also a SAHM. He was non-verbal at 2yrs, I tried him at nursery (about 10 hrs), he really regressed. I took him out tried him at another nursery and this started the ball rolling with diagnosis (so was helpful in that sense) but he was quickly overwhelmed. I paid for a 1;1 which helped a little but . He then went to school nursery (for 2 years as was summer born). First year was a disaster started fecal spreading out of fear by which point he got his diagnosis and they started talking about EHCP. By the end of that year he seemed happier. He had second year at school nursery and loved it, made friends, started talking etc. Is still at same school in yr 4 and still loves it.
Lots of me wishes I hadn't distressed him earlier by taking him in before he was ready to get the "socialisation" he wasn't ready to socialise and retreated into his own bubble. When we were on our own and he had the safety net of me there he was happier to try things, watch children in groups, explore the environment. That was what he needed, not separating from me. I'm really glad you have the courage of your convictions as you need them as an SEN parent.

I think just repeat - firmly but politely what you intend and how you intend to socialise him. They can't force you and you shouldn't have to explain your decisions but it may help to keep them onside if you can.

OP- you don't have to see the HV at all.
If they're stressing you say no to visits / don't see them.

My dc had a lot of issue at early stage. Speech, social issues to be precise. We took advice and send him to nursery 3 days a week initially, then 5 days a week, despite being a sahm.
I was so grateful for the help he received through nursery. His later school life could have been totally different.

Hi, I have a 2 year old DS with speech delay and I can empathise with what you’ve said here. I’m sorry that you are not receiving the level of support you should.

In the case of a child with speech delay, the very first thing a HV should be doing is to refer them to a speech therapist. Early intervention from a professional is so important in these cases. It’s absolutely ridiculous that the HV hasn’t done a referral already (they should have done this as the 18 month appointment) and are instead pushing to send your child to nursery. Hearing issues (esp glue ears) are a common cause for speech delay, so I’d push the GP/HV to give you a referral for hearing test. While you wait to get professional support please visit the I-CAN website (ican.org.uk) for guidance and support. You can also book an assessment via their website (ican.org.uk/i-can-assessments/) and specialist will be able to offer you an assessment and support over phone.

I would suggest you ask the HV if their recommendation that a nursery will help a child with speech and development delay is evidence based and if they can provide any case studies/links for this. I can guarantee it’s not. I agree with the other commenters saying that you should follow the recommendation from a professional, however, please remember that a HV is not a speech or development specialist. And I would not trust
any recommendation from this specific health visitor who has not done the bare minimum required to support your child .

It’s perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate for a 2 year old to want to stay with their mother and have anxiety when separated for a long time from their mother. If you think your child will be unhappy in a nursery setting, and you are happy with taking care of her at home, there is no need to push the child and create unnecessary stress and anxiety for both the you and the child. While you wait for an appointment with a professional, the best support your child can get is 1-2-1 strategies that you can implement at home for your child based on recommendations from I-CAN and other online speech therapy services.

No - in my OP I asked for advice how to get across to the HV that I don’t want to send dd at 2
I asked how I could articulate this

We're not interested we are sending her at 3 to this nursery.

Try and avoid explaining - that means they can argue - and just calmly state this every time and be firm.

OP, I mean this kindly but it feels as though you have gotten very comfortable in a routine that was perhaps set quite a while ago, and as such you still view and treat your toddler as a baby in several ways.

This is causing problems, the most important of which in my view is that she is already overweight at the age of two. This is serious, as many people who are overweight at such a young age will go on to struggle with their weight throughout their lives. This alone indicates that your routine isn't working and that it's time for change. Nursery may not be the answer, but you need to be proactive about changing things.

As for her speech delay, it's impossible to say whether that's due to her routine at home (perhaps, because she can communicate with you so well, she doesn't feel motivated to speak) or another factor, or both, but regardless something needs to be done. Maybe nursery is the answer, maybe not (personally I'd urge you to try it but it's up to you), but again, you need to be proactive.

Bottom line, at the moment you seem a bit set in your ways and content to go with the flow, but in fact things need to change. Think about hard about what changes you want to make and how you will implement them, write them down and, ideally, pass them to a health professional for their input.

Best of luck OP

OP.. we all have 'plans' of how we would like to raise our kids, and expectations of how we think their lives will unfold.. when we want them to attend nursery, what clubs, and schools we want them to attend...etc. Thats fine, and normal.

However, when your child presents with developmental delays and potential SEN/SN, sometimes, hard as it is, you HAVE to let go of those plans, and make a new one that serves our childrens current needs.

I certainly didn't plan to have to be a carer to a 16yo teenager, and handling disability benefits and potentially staring down having to be my adult sons legal guardian.. but here i am.

Life changes, sometimes plans have to change with them, and the longer you cling onto those plans you made, the more delayed your DD is potentially going to get.. which might make her future harder than it needs to be.

I didn't send my youngest at 2 even though he would have been eligible for funding. He also had separation anxiety but it's a lot better now at nearly 3 and I think he will settle in a lot better at 3 than he would have at 2 for having had an extra year with me. I don't think you should have to justify your decision tbh unless there are concerns about your parenting or home environment or children's services are involved (which it doesn't sound like from your OP).

I suspect that's what's going on here. Pretty sure that the specialists on I-CAN (as per my previous post) will recommend you consult a speech therapist and you can use that to push the HV further. Also, most children's centers have drop in session where you can consult a speech therapist (the session in called "talk shop" in our borough). Please check if your local children's center offers this service

As a HCP a GP and HV would only be ‘pushing’ an issue beyond general advice if they had genuine cause for concerns.
Youve said DD is overweight, has severe separation anxiety to the extent you can’t leave the room and developmental and speech delay. This could be a precursor to ND but it could just be issues that can be rectified/helped if managed early.
Parents can cause inadvertent speech delay if they interpret their childs speech and babbling and respond without encouraging them to speak clearly/use more words. They often jump in and translate around family and friends thus reducing the childs need to improve. A nursery setting would definitely help.
HCPs don’t push an issue for the sake of it. They have a professional objective view and can see an issue. You can claim there isn’t one or you know best but that’s their opinion.

No she’s never been left with anyone else but does see other people regularly

This was always a problem for those starting the school nursery I worked in. You seem to be under the impression it will get easier for her with age, I would say that isn't the case and it's more likely to get better with experience.

If you're in the situation where you are being offered these free hours I would take them and give it time, you're not helping her by keeping her away.

If you're adamant you don't want the hours despite the advice from the GP as well then just keep saying a flat no, but saying to them you don't think it will benefit her will get short shrift as they think it will, and they will think you are disadvantaging your daughters mental and physical health but not giving her the opportunity of a few hours a day in a childcare setting.

I haven’t rtft but wanted to say a good child minder who is able to do these assessments might be a better option than a preschool if there is a possibility of asd. Just from experience, I don’t think there are enough staff at preschools to be watching everyone all the time, and a child with developmental delays is, unfortunately, a target for bullying which could be a big set back.

Look OP, I speak to you as the other of two ASD sons who are now in their late teens.

The most important thing that you need to learn is that you know what best for your child. You can listen to what health visitors/teachers/sen staff say but realise that they don’t know your child and they probably don’t have their own neurodiverse children (those who do are generally great though). Don’t let them panic you and most of all don’t rush and think that if you don’t do what they suggest immediately, your daughter will miss out somehow. Remember she doesn’t have to go to nursery or pre school or even school! If you want to home school that’s an option and it’s probably what I would have done if I’d realised that it was an option.

I definitely went along with what I was ‘supposed’ to be doing and I do think that Mumsnet generally supports that approach ie child in nursery from very young age (unless you want to leave baby with loving grandparents to go away for the weekend!), both parents must work full time even if they almost kill themselves in the process. Mumsnet totally messes with your head if you’re neurodiverse or have nd kids but it’s a lesson in staying strong and having absolute faith in yourself. Honestly, I used to be constantly asking for the opinions of others but I have realised that only I can make my decisions.

From an evolutionary perspective, it’s totally unnatural for a young child to be put in such a busy setting with people they don’t know especially when that child has sensory difficulties. How can it not be cruel to leave a child who doesn’t understand that its mother will be returning?

what I would also say as an autistic woman who now has pretty good social skills, you can put an autistic child in any setting you like with as many experts as you like and they will not learn social skills because their brains haven’t developed enough. For many of us it doesn’t happen until the age of forty! All that will happen is that the child will go into survival mode until they get home.

It sounds as if you’re doing the right things. Just because there are free places for two year olds it doesn’t mean that it’s suddenly the right thing to do for every child.

I have re-joined Mumsnet to tell you this because it’s important to me. Good luck.

@strawberrycustard I understand not wanting to take her comfort, but her comfort is damaging her health.

It needs to go / be dramatically decreased. Bottle / milk / dummy fairy can work really well. Basically you magically swap this comfort for another toy or comfort item.

"Speech therapy for a 2 year old isnt always appropriate as their attention levels are often so limited (as would be expected for any 2 year old) that direct therapy isn't that effective."
Sorry, I really hate to argue, but I have to point out that this statement is incorrect. In fact, any speech therapist will tell you that early intervention makes a massive difference. My child has been in speech therapy since 18 months and it has helped him a lot.