15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

Forcing separation doesn’t help separation anxiety. It’s a myth that children who stay home don’t develop independence. A good attachment develops independence and some children take a bit longer for that confidence to come through. Forcing a child to go to nursery before their ready will delay independence and trigger more separation anxiety and if you force it too early it can cause the anxiety to last longer.

Does your current approach/plan work - in the sense that there are observable improvements in her weight, speech, separation anxiety? If not or if minor - then I'd listen to specialists and give nursery a shot.

I understand the desire to do the best for your child, we all share that, but you've repeated 'our plans not to send her until she's three' and 'I'm a sahm' quite a few times, making me wonder if you're more set on not upsetting your own plans and keeping to your decision than allowing for the possibility that you may be wrong and exploring other options.

Ultimately, you need to ask yourself - is what I'm doing right now improving any of her issues (and keeping her calm by not changing absolutely anything is not an improvement, its placating)? The answer to that will tell you what to do.

You're the parent, you make the choices.

We got the offer due to financial reasons not directly due to dd difficulties- it had cropped up as hv had asked what the plans were we said 3 , she said as we qualified for healthy start we would also get the 15 hrs and we got an eligibility letter a week later

Ok, so it’s not a judgement on your parenting or even your DD’s abilities just that you simply qualify and the HV pointed out the possible benefits?

That changes my view somewhat as I thought your HV was making the offer directly due to your DD’s development.

In that case just decline if you don’t agree that it would be beneficial 🤷‍♀️

Hi op,
I myself was like you, a sahm to DS who I suspected autism when DS was two, DS attends school now and has had the asd diagnosis. He's 5.
When he was two he had a speech delay, but I wanted to keep him home with me until he turned three. He was happy at home, and I loved it too, we did alot together. I told my hv this and I never felt pressured to do otherwise. Preschool can bring language on that's true, but in my DS case it hasn't brought it on any faster then it did in the time he spent at home, he needs speech therapy to help him further... Modelling language, talking, stories, songs etc will only help so much. We are looking in to private speech therapy now as we haven't gotten far on the nhs list (he's seen by a therapist for a couple of sessions, and then passed about, then added to another list, but that's another story!!) I did so much talking, stories and singing with him at home, what I'm trying to say is, if you are doing alot of playing and interacting with your dc during the day then you will be helping DC no end. I don't think nursery always helps language, especially not if you are doing enough at home, but I think in some cases it does, depending on what is causing the language delay. So yes I'd say if it's a language delay only, another year at home would be ok, but reading your dc has developmental delay too is a good reason to send to a nursery. If you don't feel comfortable with the 15 hours you could start with 9 or 12 if the nursery would allow that.
Your dc may enjoy it more than you think once settled.

Don’t send her health visitors always push for this, the same as they push for home educated children in school. I was pressured into sending my son to the 2 plus nursery and the staff were overwhelmed with the number of children in the class and my son ended up scarred for life and hospitalised for what we were told was a broken jaw. He was so little and had been badly assaulted by this other child whose mum came to school in pyjamas and the kid swore his head off and dad was in jail. My son will need surgery on his lip and face because of this push to have him in nursery.

Totally up to you whether you take up the offer of nursery but I would not see this as a crticism of your parenting. A close relatives child in similar circumstances quickly received extra support in nursery, including speech therapy and one to one play sessions. Despite covid/lockdown their needs were fully assessed and and EHCP was in place ready for them starting school.

I suspect that nursery is being recommended not just for activities and seeing other kids. It will be at least partly about having experienced nursery staff looking after your DD and seeing if they can help with her delays or at least they can
point to the best next steps to help her .
All the playgroups swimming etc you are listing won’t do that. So setting out a list of activities you are doing with DD is not going to change the HV’s view.

Anyway, you don’t need to persuade the HV, as it’s your decision. So just say you don’t think it’s best for her, and keep saying it.

I am so sorry to hear this. This is awful. I hope your son heals. Xx

@strawberrycustard

As an SEND professional, I say this with kindness, it does sound that both you and your dd would benefit from her attending nursery.

Yes, in theory because it’s an early intervention place you’ve been offered, she should attend all 15 hours. In reality, a decent INCO will support a phased start with a goal of 15hours say at the end of the term. There is nothing IMHO to stop her going an hour a day to begin with.

Private SALT is VERY expensive. A good practitioner can charge upwards of £30 per half hour plus an initial assessment which can be around £95-250 depending on your region.

Engage with the HV, liaise with nursery and they will have the best way into any support. It is NOT a criticism of you as a mummy. If your child needed glasses, you’d go to the optician, if your child needed dental treatment, you’d visit the dental hospital. See this as no different to that. Your dc needs support for their early development - this will help.

These early places are like gold dust on most areas so you’re very fortunate to be offered- use it.

SAHM here- no funding I sent for 2 mornings from 2 and my lads come on leaps and bounds. You don’t have to use all the hours it’s up to you

Don’t let anyone bully you. She’s your daughter. Nursery is childcare, not superior to what a loving and attentive parent can offer. My kids didn’t do nursery at all. We did play dates and mother and toddler groups nearly every day. When my son started reception, he was able to tell the time (to know when I’d return), had read lots of books about school and we’d talked about how it would work. He walked into school without a care. He is also ASD, dyspraxic and had epilepsy. This push to separate parents from their children horrifies me.

You will have to show to the HV & GP

Your daily itinerary with different activities.
Your plan with the dietician.
Your plan with salt.
Your research that shows your developmentally delayed (possibly SEN) DD is better at home with you than regular assessments / observations in a nursery setting.

If you can show all the above and there is improvement, I would like to think that would be satisfactory.

If your DD continues to put weight on and not develop, they (HV & GP) will probably keep having these conversations with you. Their job is to look after the development and health of your child.

TBH, they see hundreds if not thousands of DC a year, the fact that they are having these conversations with you, shows they are concerned with DD's development and are recommending course of action that will hopefully be beneficial to her. You only know this by giving it a go.

I think the OP is quite decided that she isn’t going to send her child to nursery. Perhaps you could list the things you do to stimulate her skills and development and show that to the health visitor. You could say that these are the things you feel your DD can cope with and, as you are her mother, you know her better than anyone and you feel it’s a step too far at the moment.

You can explain about the dietician too. I think it would be helpful to consider your DD spending time with other family members to start with. If she doesn’t want you out of her sight at all, it’s going to be very difficult in the future and getting her used to being with family for a little while could be helpful.

My daughter had separation anxiety as well and sending her to a nursery at the age of 2years was the worse decision in my life. Please don't do it, life will be hard enough if she has autism, let her spend more time with you. I'm speaking from real life experiences as a parent of autistic children.

Firstly know why you make the decisions you do. You don't have to justify yourself but you will be able to say you are making an informed decision. You can also decline the HV service once you're happy with things.

Hi OP,
just a few things for you to consider:
my daughter is 4 and autistic, non verbal and generally delayed.
when it came to getting her DLA, her diagnosis and soon her EHCP, the reports from nursery were very very helpful. They can also help push for extra funding to support her with one to one or any extra support she needs. It definitely hasn’t been an easy journey and I still feel like nursery isn’t as helpful as they could be (slow chasing things up from their end) but I feel like that’s another avenue that can help get support in.

also, could it be that the older she gets the more difficult her anxiety separation becomes?

I think people are advising you to consider a couple of trial sessions at the very least is because the staff can assess your dd and get on the pathway to diagnosis and work with her at the same time.

Idk if you realise that there is a backlog of assessments due to the pandemic so it will probably take a lot longer than you’d anticipate to get diagnosis and help. It sounds as if it is important that your dd gets on the correct pathway before she even starts school. So it is definitely an advantage to start this process sooner rather than later to avoid potentially being allocated to a school, which doesn’t meet her needs.

A lot of posters have suggested you send your dd just for a trial to see how she gets on. You may find she cannot cope. However, you will never know unless you try. It doesn’t have to be long and trial sessions are usually only an hour or two. After a couple of trial sessions, you will know if your dd can cope or not.

As for separation anxiety, do be prepared for that to continue. My dd was very attached to me when she was little. She went to nursery a day a week at 12 months and 3 full days by the age of 3. Despite this, she really struggled with saying goodbye to me and was the last child to still be visibly upset or need reassurance every day at school drop off, which lasted for a couple of years before tapering off as she got older.

Asking your mil to look after your dd to introduce to the idea of being away from you is a very good start.

They are trying to help your daughter. If she has speech delay for example and is surrounded by her peers without you for three hours a day she is more likely to interact with those kids, have to find a way to communicate and pick up more speech.

I would be vary wary of completely going against numerous professionals advice which they believe is in the best interest of your child tbh.

I have to agree with them, it does sound like she would be best suited there as oppose to on her own with You all day having 1-1.

I also believe after reading all your posts that this is more about your anxiety then your dds.

You're the parent, it's your decision and you don't have to justify yourself. Think over their advice then trust your instincts.

I had a very shy and attached child, I didn't send her away. She's now an outgoing 17 year old.

A few more months at home isn't likely to make or break her life, enjoy your time with your child.

Nurseries can be lovely for 2 year olds. You don’t have to drop her for 5 hours and walk away. It starts with a gentle settlement. An hour a few times, then a couple of hours.
My daughter was speech delayed, 10 words at 2.5 years. She started nursery at 2.3 years and being non verbal wasn’t an issue. They learn so much how to interact on their own when you are not there, it’s not the same as playdates when they can run to mummy.
When my daughter was a baby, I thought I’ll keep her home until 3, but those 15 hours a week (more like 10-12) as we never did clock to clock, have been great for her speech and interaction with other kids.

To answer your question, yes, SEN parents have to run the gamut of “is it because you’re a shit parent” at every new setting and every new professional they come across. It hurts, it’s borne of poor practice and ignorance but we are where we are.

What I hear you say is your child is slow to speak but also easily overwhelmed / overstimulated and this causes distress. I would take this seriously (as you are doing) and don’t (and this is key) assume that a solution which would work for a neurotypical child will work for your child. Essentially professionals want to do everything that would work for an NT child and if that does nothing, then they start down the intervention pathway.

If your child enjoyed crowds and company that might be ok but your instinct is they would find it distressing. A lot of neurodivergent children are very anxious precisely because they are made to do things which would be fine for most people but aren’t fine for them. Consider also that your child might be drinking a lot of milk because the sucking reflex comforts them (are they still bottle or breastfed?)

If you can afford private speech therapy go for that.

Specifically because of everything you've written here is exactly why they are pushing for the nursery setting. Especially the separation anxiety, that doesn't get magically better in a year if anything it's likely to get worse, the very action of taking them to nursery leaving and coming back consistently helps with that as it's builds the pattern of mummy always comes back, repetition is learning. Also things like speech independence and socialisation come on massively. Nursery nurses are trained to deal with an observe far more effectively than a health visitor who's only around every once in a while. If the Gp has also mentioned it I'd really be saying to myself this is probably a good step for my child.
Sometimes we hold on to our routines and saftey nets more for ourselves than for our kids and we don't see it untill we see the benefits of trying something new.
All these things along with therapies (that were only refered for because she was in nursery) really helped my daughter. Infact her chromosomal diagnosis was only possible because I had several agencies on side to help get her the testing she needed.
All these agencies are trying to give her the best start possible and without them very often your child may end up a bit lost or delayed in the system rather than gaining early interventions.
Try it for six months and then ask for a review from everyone involved as to progress etc, and six months is a minimum to see any worthwhile impact, good luck

YANBU. Isn't there research to say home is best place for children up to 3 (not that I did this!)?

I think you do know your child best in this instance and are sensitive to their needs. It sounds like you do lots of groups
The one thing I would watch is her weight - YOU are the parent and have the ability to say no to excessive milk. Look into ways you can show limits visually, and be consistent.

My similar sounding son - who had a nanny at first - went to a wonderful nursery age 2 and a half - and never grew to like it. Never made any real friends, spent most of the time by himself inside, never stopped crying on drop off, huge meltdowns at pick up and spent most of the day anxious and asking to go home. We persevered for well over a year too, then lockdown hit. He hates school too and still has major separation anxiety still aged 6.