500k alone at 35, male comments

[Brisjjh]

I’m a single parent and have a house worth circa 500k, with mortgage. It’s not a massive place but nice area.

i get some maintenance but I am on my own so costs generally high.

aibu that men question this? I’ve been on three dates that ended up back at mine (not like that, they were daytime dates) and each one has been intrigued as to how I own the house, that I must have a lot of money. I don’t and it’s depressing!

is this a fair way for them to come across? Am I going for strange men? I don’t think my situation is unusual in the sense that many couples own houses like this by 35 or younger!!

I don’t even invite friends in my house ,always go to a coffee shop .
perhaps stop inviting strange men back to yours …go to theirs instead

I think it's something to celebrate to have your home. Be it a testament to your shrewd judgement and hard work. If men can't understand how you can be in this position then let them jog on. I paid off my mortgage at 39. Same as you bought my first house at 21 and sold and bought again every 3/4 years and used the profits to reduce the mortgage plus lots of hard work doubling payments and developing a piece of land. Well done and good luck with finding a nice partner.

Why is everyone being so judgemental? OP didn't ask for your opinions on if she should date, have coffee at hers, own this house. She wanted to know if it was acceptable for men to be questioning her net worth!

No OP it's not, and it's Ok to push back as that being rude/nosy. For what it's worth I also owned a similar value property in London at a young age and aside from some immediate looks of surprise, no one ever quizzed me on how. And they'd have been sorry if they did given the answer would have been about death in the family.

@0976gg where in London?

In an area of SW17 I know well - OK, not the most fashionable - £500k can still get you a nice 2 bed period maisonette, 65-70 sq m, often with its own little garden or outside space thrown in.

I’ve noticed lately that prices have come down a bit - possibly due to more competition because apparently quite a few landlords are selling up.

How did you get on the ladder early then? You must've had a lot of help from family or ex on top of the 40 grands gift. You probably were able to take a bigger mortgage because you have lots of years to pay it off.
I think these reactions are because of the class and type of men you're dating. 35 is not that young to be a home owner. If you were a childless 25 with no family/ex/inheritance/lottery help and it's 100% saving money from work that's a different story.

I would stop bringing men around, the fact it's day light is irrelevant. People get robbed and have sex at any time of the day.

Did you pay £500k for it or are talking about current market value? In theory you could have paid much less than it's now worth.

Where do they live!

A South Yorkshire village @Eliveonline. They have spent a bit on their house, admittedly, but nowhere near £200k. House prices round here have rocketed.

That's what called being asset rich and cash poor. More common than people realise. People see a nice house in a nice area and assume the occupier is rolling in it. Pretty rude, really.

Why is everyone being so judgemental? OP didn't ask for your opinions on if she should date, have coffee at hers, own this house. She wanted to know if it was acceptable for men to be questioning her net worth

This, SO MANY THREADS GET DERAILED BY PEOPLE TRYING TO TAKE MORAL HIGH GROUND

Don't invite strangers back to your HOME.

Don't do a second date with anyone crass enough to ask about money on a first date.

*When I was dating, in my mid-30s men were terrified that they were going to be the lower earner.

Typical conversation would go:

Him: What do you do for a job?
Me: I work in Healthcare (being cagey as I'd had this conversation before)
Him:Ah, so you are a nurse then
Me: (Starting to think he is sexist) No I'm a doctor actually
Him: Oh, are you just a GP?
Me: Ends date.

I married the first man who didn't react like his penis would fall off on finding out I earned more than him. Was a good decision*

You sound paranoid, many men earn less than their wives and it's no issue. Also why wouldn't you tell them you are a doctor? You don't hear teachers saying 'I work in education'. Get over yourself.

@SurfBox I think you've missed the point.

The thing is she wouldn't have random men wondering about how she afforded her house if she didn't invite random men around to her house.

OP if you live in a house worth half a mill, on your own, people are going to be curious about how you afford it and assume you must be fairly well off. I really don't see how it's strange.

Crying 😂😂😂

I owned property worth considerably more than that at your age, OP, and I never invited random men back to it, so didn't have to field nosey questions from them.

HTH.

I take it you are not in London - that’s a v modest home in the outer suburbs or a flat centrally

500k as a sole earner is unusual, unless you are in an obviously high earning profession (finance/law/some medics etc) so I might assume you were in the marital home with DC/got a good settlement/family input or inheritance vs only bought with earnings etc but I certainly wouldn’t ask!!

I would not want to date a man who is digging for that sort of info and I certainly wouldn’t be inviting a man I don’t know/trust to my home - it makes you vulnerable in a lot of ways

I think saying you rent from family is a great idea: no one needs to know details of your financial position.

As an aside: might get flamed for this but I’m a woman living alone: I keep an old pair of mens shoes just inside the front door: random collection people/trades etc don’t need to know I’m a woman living alone

• at that age, it would be standard for a mid 30s couple with the kind of 50-70k jobs that are not unusual in the SE

I’m also wondering whether there’s a discrepancy between OP presenting herself and her house.
I.e wanting to do cheap things, saying she’s skint, and then suddenly presenting an expensive house. Yes it may not be ‘big’ but even if it’s London people know expensive property when they see it regardless of the size.

Dating in your mid-thirties is very different from your twenties, where you have all the time in the world. People are looking to settle down. They also have a more solid idea of what they want, and varied financial setups. It sounds callous but I wouldn’t say financial position isn’t any of their business - on the contrary it would be better to know if they have different opinions/situations. So they don’t waste several months.

Obviously I don’t know to what level these people are digging, and what replies OP is giving, but as a woman, a prospective partner being cagey about their financial situation raises red flags.

People shouldn’t want every single detail, but equally they should know what your financial priorities etc are. So you know whether you fit into each other’s life plans. If you’ve given them enough information about what you prioritise and they still dig, it’s nosy and rude. But if you’ve fended off all financial questions I don’t blame them for being wary.

They probably thinking OP you took your child/ children father for everything he had

Well I wouldnt if that means I have an investment that will support me in the future but still allows me to life, albeit on a reduced lifestyle.

This too

i think if you said you were a lawyer say or head of finance then no one would wonder how you had a £500k house at 35. They know these roles pay well, have good salary projections etc.

But if tou were saying you did something else, that most people don't think of as a "well earning career", they would assume the money must have come from somewhere else -divorce or inheritance.