500k alone at 35, male comments

[Brisjjh]

I’m a single parent and have a house worth circa 500k, with mortgage. It’s not a massive place but nice area.

i get some maintenance but I am on my own so costs generally high.

aibu that men question this? I’ve been on three dates that ended up back at mine (not like that, they were daytime dates) and each one has been intrigued as to how I own the house, that I must have a lot of money. I don’t and it’s depressing!

is this a fair way for them to come across? Am I going for strange men? I don’t think my situation is unusual in the sense that many couples own houses like this by 35 or younger!!

*@Apandemicyousay , had the bloke not heard of Nethouseprices?
No need to be overtly nosy!

Aside from not bringing them back, once you do why do you tell them its yours? Just say it belongs to a family member and you're living there for the foreseeable future. Technically not wrong.... if they ask questions tell them that you'd rather not tell them more about it till later on.

Once your relationship has progressed to engagement or wanting to cohabit you can tell them the truth.

This is me exactly. My modest flat is worth 3 x what it was when I moved in. Not only could I not afford to buy my own flat from me, I currently can't afford to fix the sink. But I can, just, afford the mortgage.

It’s the other way round OP.
I’d personally question the judgement of someone who bought a half a million pound house, that they had a large mortgage on, with a single salary such that they ‘barely had any money spare’.

Of course it’s different if you got a large inheritance, bought as a couple , or the value has just risen. But I’m not the sort of person comfortable with large mortgages and I wouldn’t want to date someone like that. Our priorities wouldn’t align.

@cakeorwine - the OP is only 35, house prices have gone up a lot, but she’s too young for them ever to have been particularly affordable, unless the area she bought in has been massively and rapidly gentrified. Also, the fact her house is likely to be worth more now than it was, due to house price inflation, means she is officially better off as a result, especially if she crystallises her asset and buys somewhere else that is cheaper and more affordable, so she is not poor, just because the mortgage is eating up a lot of her income. Holding your wealth in assets is different from disposable income, but it is still wealth.

I am missing the point entirely, but in that situation I would be more worried that 3 different men who only came for coffee now know where I live, that they know I am alone and could reappear/ turn up randomly / watch me at any time, all outside of my control.

(I have had to beg friends not to divulge to male acquaintances where my home actually is and have set Facebook to deliberately show my location as a different but nearby village to preserve my safe space)

Good for you!

I think you would think this of anyone at 35 single, single parent ,man or woman .

We don't really know anything about the OP's situation at all.

But it is perfectly true to say that someone who lives in a house worth £500k does not necessarily have to be paying a mortgage anywhere near that. Even at the age of 35.

@cakeorwine but the OP says she ‘doesn’t have much money’. Rent is the biggest living cost, so if it was a small mortgage she’d have more spare, wouldn’t she?

By the way OP it’s your money and your priorities, nothing wrong with I. I’m just giving a potential alternative viewpoint as why they’d be asking, rather than just assuming they want a piece of the action.

Maybe I’m in the minority but finances are my top priority when dating. I’m very practical and not the sort of person to ‘love whom I love’, I want us to share the same values. Of course I never revealed details of my finances on the first few dates but I was very clear about my general priorities. I’m a high earning woman but prefer to have spare cash to invest, or the freedom to go part-time whereas a lot of men I dated were quite happy to have the big mortgage, splash on travel, which I really wasn’t interested in.

but the OP says she ‘doesn’t have much money’. Rent is the biggest living cost, so if it was a small mortgage she’d have more spare, wouldn’t she

I didn't say a small mortgage. She could have got a mortgage with her ex partner for say £200k. And then upsized with increasing house prices, being brought out etc to a bigger property. That has increased in value.

That mortgage could be hard for her to pay, given life events.

Paying a mortgage, when you're a single parent, with no maintenance and reduced hours - after a partner has left - can be difficult.

What I am saying is that someone, even at the age of 35, when separated, who lives in an expensive house may well not have needed to get a mortgage for a property that is that price.

What sort of woman blaming bullshit is THIS?!! It’s your fault OP, your fault if they rape you, a woman’s fault if she’s in an anusivr relationship? Christ. No wonder women get a shit deal from men when there are women like you out there @MzHz. There are ways of warning a woman to be safe without speaking to them like absolute crap. You might be older but your attitude is that of a teenage girls.

British people are obsessed with property and esp property prices so I'm not surprised they ask. I probably would too. Some people find that rude, others find this stuff fascinating. If you don't want to have that chat, just say mind your own! I wouldn't assume it's anything more than that i.e. cocklodger-related, nor would I be stressing about these men using my address for nefarious purposes. OP has made her judgement call and seems switched on.

I'd also be curious tbh but probably wouldn't have said anything!

I'm a single parent with a mortgage and every single tradesman and even my driving instructor asked me if I owned my home. I really don't think they would do that if I was married or a man.

Just say you rent it. It’s none of their business.

When I was a single parent with a nice house I remember a piece of advice I was given, to be very careful about men looking to take advantage of my financial situation. I didn’t have a lot of excess money but a nice house of similar value to yours. My advice is to be very cautious about who you date and not to get involved with a man who will be financially in a worse situation than yourself. You leave yourself and your kids otherwise in a financially vulnerable situation should the relationship get serious and progress. I realise that may be an unpopular view, but so be it. I was financially independent and personally wouldn’t find a man who wasn’t also financially independent an attractive prospect. You clearly don’t need a man to look after you, but finding someone with a good job/prospects and ambition with a house of their own is not to much to ask, someone who can be your equal is a far better position to start a relationship. Obviously aside from all of the financial side, you need to find an amazing man you fall head over heels for.

I had a good job too but that’s not as it was as had to cut hours

Maybe there is a mismatch in these men's eyes around the work you do and the hours, and your house.

So they are querying how you afford it.

But that says more about them, and where they are in terms of their earnings and careers, if they are 35 or older.

I do hope you will come back @Brisjjh because it's quite possible a single woman your age is in a house with a current value of £500K, if they paid less for it some years ago, and had a leg up from an ex, or parents.

I think this falls into the 'compulsory heterosexuality' sphere of misogyny. A woman by herself surely can't prosper - right? It must have come from your Dad or you ex-husband. Yeah I think it's sexist, but sadly maybe not unusually sexist.

Stop bringing men back to your house. It’s silly and dangerous.

To give them the benefit of the doubt if they are men in their 30s either looking to get on the housing ladder and still renting or recently moved into a house they may just be interested in the practicalities of what you have done. Buying a house takes up a lot of mental space, looking at rightmove all the time etc etc. I mean if I met another single mum and went back to her house for coffee I would probably be intrigued too although I wouldn't be rude enough to ask unless she was open to discussing it.

As many have already said, stop bringing men back to your house.

You're at risk for being stalked, robbed, etc.

It did come from her family though

Some people have no filter. I was at my male friend’s quite fancy house recently, and a tradesman asked him ‘do you mind if I ask how much you paid for this place’ and he said ‘yeah, I do

what happened next? Sounds awkward