500k alone at 35, male comments

[Brisjjh]

I’m a single parent and have a house worth circa 500k, with mortgage. It’s not a massive place but nice area.

i get some maintenance but I am on my own so costs generally high.

aibu that men question this? I’ve been on three dates that ended up back at mine (not like that, they were daytime dates) and each one has been intrigued as to how I own the house, that I must have a lot of money. I don’t and it’s depressing!

is this a fair way for them to come across? Am I going for strange men? I don’t think my situation is unusual in the sense that many couples own houses like this by 35 or younger!!

Most people can never afford a 500k house, even in a couple, let alone at 35!

it’s not surprising people comment on it. And yeah, prob. Not wise to bring men you barely know back to your house.

@getupstandupsitdown We don't know she paid £500K for it. maybe she paid £350K 5 years ago and its gone up in value.

It's very regional. In the SE 2 professionals can easily earn £60K each in lots of careers and with a deposit and 35 yr mortgage, it's quite possible.

Where do they live! I bought my house more like 15 years ago in a popular part of a very popular city and it’s value hasn’t risen by anywhere near that amount!

OP I think you are right that it is a male question.

When I was dating, in my mid-30s men were terrified that they were going to be the lower earner.

Typical conversation would go:

Him: What do you do for a job?
Me: I work in Healthcare (being cagey as I'd had this conversation before)
Him:Ah, so you are a nurse then
Me: (Starting to think he is sexist) No I'm a doctor actually
Him: Oh, are you just a GP?
Me: Ends date.

I married the first man who didn't react like his penis would fall off on finding out I earned more than him. Was a good decision.

For you as a single parent, I'd be on the alert for cocklodgers.

I was just about to write the same thing

stop bringing blokes you barely know to your home.

you have kids who live there, be more responsible. You mention it’s “in the day” like rape only happens at night? No, it happens when there’s an opportunity and if you have only been out with them 3 times, invite them back to yours some awful blokes take that as an entitlement to sex.

I know that sounds preachy but I’m quite a bit older than you and the amount of crazy arse dick heads out there is astonishing

I'm agreeing with every word that @MzHz says.

It's amazing how regional things are.

Then life happens, people separate, jobs change, income changes and then those SE House prices and mortgages become ridiculous.

We don’t own a house (admittedly London so crazy prices) with both of us working so I think a bit of suprise is probably natural…

They’re rude to ask. You’re insane to bring them home that early on.

I’m not sure why people are so surprised tbh.

Some people are asset rich but cash poor. My PIL are a good example of that. They are farmers, spent years paying off their mortgage and had nothing left after that. But no farm meant no job so they stuck to it.
Its not crazy to imagine the Op bought her house when she had a higher wage (hit the mortgage with that) and now a lot/most of her income is swallowed by the mortgage. Or she might on interest only etc…. Or she bought and sold several houses and renovated them all at the right time so she ended with that much more expensive house (a male friend of mine did exactly that), bought maybe when she was pregnant and was still in a higher wage.

Im pretty sure that if she was a man, she wouldn’t get as many comments. And it clearly it wouldn’t just from men. Doing well for yourself is clearly suspicious for many people.

Yep another quite simple scenario that explains why the OP has done so well for herself that so many PP don’t seem to be able to believe it ….

I am more intrigued by your daytime dates that end up back at yours for coffee.
So you meet for a coffee then go back to yours for.. Coffee? 🤔 If it's the euphemism, then it's waay too soon - get a room in a Premier Inn and make sure the dude pays if you are skint

I recently posted a similar issue with a guy I was dating. I am slightly older, no kids, expensive house.

i saw the attitude as annoying and didn’t see him again romantically.

i get asked by people if I own the house all by myself which is annoying. There is a sexism to tit all - as if a woman can’t have a job that pays enough for her to own a nice house alone. People assume that in every couple it’s the man earning the big bucks.

You're only telling them when it comes up, why? Don't be so rude is a perfectly good response. If you're struggling sell house for a cheaper one and enjoy the extra cash

It’s been said but don’t invite people back to your house. Aside from the obvious safety issue you will attract a bunch of wannabe cocklodgers if they think you’re worth a bob or two. Whether you have loads of spare cash or not.

I don’t mean to be harsh but you have kids. Your home is their safe space and you don’t need to be bringing strangers into it and putting them at risk. Learn to be sensible and keep your own counsel until you’re a few months down the line. The less they know the better in the early stages.

If you don’t have money, I would certainly question why you weren’t selling up and moving somewhere more affordable.

They all have masters degrees, work in IT, investment banking, data, commerce, and the law, and earn well over £100Kpa often with good annual bonuses.
It's not the same in the north, but in London and the commuter belt it's not unusual.

Earning these kinds of salaries is becoming increasingly common in some parts of the north even at young age, hence owning a 500 k house in your mid thirties wouldn't be usual. They would have plenty of disposable income though so totally different to the OPs situation.

It's possible that they might wonder if they are not a match for you on the financial front - I could understand that being unsettling for them and that being behind the question but TBH if they are back at your place and they are searching for things to talk about I don't find it surprising it gets brought up.

You are getting dates - that's a positive! I wouldn't feel the need to get in to anything to do with finances unless the relationship looked like it was going somewhere - you'd want to know if your guy was paying off 6 credit cards wouldn't you or was living at home because it had helped him save £75k for a house deposit while looking after his parents etc.

The men you’re dating just want to check that you didn’t screw over your ex in a divorce.

@Brisjjh I don't think your situation is that uncommon - that's they way the cookie crumbles sometimes - some people decide to buy at the right time - it's more luck than financial judgement - we ended up in decent house in a nice area simply because we happened to buy and sell at the right time - we obviously didn't know that at the time - we had no idea how the housing market was going to go so I think plenty of people live in houses they probably couldn't afford to buy now given changes in their circumstances and the way the housing market has changed. I guess the guys you have seen probably just haven't got that much insight/life experience to appreciate how first impressions and appearances can be quite different to the real story - I wouldn't think it fair to criticise them for their naivety - peoples financial situations and the events that lead them their can be a lot more involved than what others might guess.

Exactly!
And why bring strange men back on such early dates.
Maybe they are worried OP got house from ex partner and don’t want to be similarly fleeced?!

I can't be the only one who misinterpreted the title. I thought the OP was doing a 500 kilometre walk/cycle/run alone and had men worried for her safety/capability.

I'm your age and I'm always completely astounded when I find that people my age have (compared to me) crazy expensive houses and really fascinated about how on earth they managed it. I'm polite enough to say nothing much and then look it up on Right Move though!!

THIS was my immediate thought.