500k alone at 35, male comments

[Brisjjh]

I’m a single parent and have a house worth circa 500k, with mortgage. It’s not a massive place but nice area.

i get some maintenance but I am on my own so costs generally high.

aibu that men question this? I’ve been on three dates that ended up back at mine (not like that, they were daytime dates) and each one has been intrigued as to how I own the house, that I must have a lot of money. I don’t and it’s depressing!

is this a fair way for them to come across? Am I going for strange men? I don’t think my situation is unusual in the sense that many couples own houses like this by 35 or younger!!

I think it would be interesting to see your budget - if you are a single parent with no maintenance in a house with a job where you have had your hours cut. In a house that you brought a while ago but is now worth £500k.

I get asset rich, cash poor. Do you struggle to pay your mortgage?

Most people try really hard not to max themselves out on a mortgage, so that they do have spare cash for the rest of living. So the assumption people are making is that if you have done this you must be earning a fair bit to be able to pay the mortgage on a 500k house and has spare cash.

It's not clear of you actually paid 500k for your house or that's just it's current value.

I don't think the OP is asking for dating advice.

Well, at least you know they are sniffing around for cash.

I agree with pp, stop bringing these men to your home. Men (generally)don't come back for coffee. They come back for 'coffee'

So three times you've invited men you've only just met back to your house.

And each of those times you've discussed how much your house is worth?

You need to perhaps not take them back to yours, you may end up not liking them at all and they already know where you live. You also need to have the confidence to change the subject when they all start randomly asking how much your house is worth.

I don't think I've ever been in someone's house and asked them how much it's worth and no one has ever asked me.

V strange.

There’s always a poster who says £500k would get you far in London. Actually there are properties for less than £500k in London so stop stating untrue facts.

At 40, only one close friend has a house worth over £500k and they had their £250k house paid off by a parent. Dh and I are on above average salaries and could jointly afford a 500k home but we’re sticking with our practical £400k home, doing it up and going on holidays. None of our other close friends have 500k homes so I think it is unusual for a single person to achieve this whether they’re male or female. I totally understand the intrigue.

Not the point of the thread but as a single parent there's no way in the world I'd let a man in my children's home unless it was a very serious relationship. What are you thinking, 3 strangers? The only rain I made an allowance for on this was when I was seeing my neighbour . Stopping this will keep you all safe as well as solving your issue in the main post so actually isn't derailing. At least if you're struggling or there is an emergency you have equity which is more than many single parents have so the options are there to have money u if you need it.

This country is full of asset rich / cash poor folk, dont know why that’s such a surprise to some people

You should have finished your sentence. "Yeah I do. It is such a pointless lazy question - why don't you just go online and find this pubicly available data like any normal person does when they want to know how much their friend or acquaintance's house cost."

aibu that men question this?

This ^^ makes no sense OP but well done on trying to shoehorn your stealth boast into an 'AIBU' question.

Have you considered getting a lodger, air bnb or downsizing? Just to save yourself some money.

To show it off presumably. And then she wonders why they ask questions

I don't think it's necessarily that they are gold-diggers but just a bit gauche. Maybe they are just curious and making conversation but people with manners generally don't ask questions like that (especially on a first date!)

I am wealthy OP with a much more expensive house than yours and I often find people are curious and try to find out in a round-about way how we've made our money. It doesn't offend me though - I just say it's a mixture of hard work and luck.

You need to be careful about dating when you have your own house. A lot of men think it's carte blanche for moving in and taking advantage of you

This - and doubly so if they're the type to "dig around" for more information

Curiosity's only natural and I'd expect it to come up in later conversation, but pushing for details about something like this on a first date would be a massive red flag to me

He could have found that out through Zoopla. No need to ask.

I do think conversations about money on first dates are pretty vulgar though, so I understand why you are not enjoying the comments from men.

Of course it's unusual although I appreciate that this is mumsnet and quite a lot seem to be wealthy and I also appreciate that you may live in the south east where house prices are high. Was it the home you had together when you were with your ex? many lone parents don't have the option to stay in the house and end up in rented.

I find it utterly bizarre that you’d bring strange men who you’ve just met into your children’s house.

Surelt you know that’s not the smart thing to do?

When I was dating in my 40s I think I tried to date men who were similar to how I was - ie lawyer, fairly well off so did not have the same issue at all (and as am in outer London house worth a few multiples of £500k (and I had an island in those days too). May be try to date men with assets of similar amount to yours which might keep things simpler?

I think the men are very rude. I assume they are making a judgement on the road/ area and know the value of houses there.

You could have had an inheritance. I have friends who have given their kids early inheritances, like £200K. Or they have inherited from other relatives.

Maybe come back and tell us

1 what you paid for the house
2 How long ago
3 Your income
4 Your mortgage each month
5 The deposit you had for it and how much came from family/ an ex/former house.

You said you have moved up the ladder, so was that in a jointly owned home and you came away with equity after the split?

*aibu that men question this? I’ve been on three dates that ended up back at mine (not like that, they were daytime dates) and each one has been intrigued as to how I own the house, that I must have a lot of money. I don’t and it’s depressing!

is this a fair way for them to come across? Am I going for strange men? I don’t think my situation is unusual in the sense that many couples own houses like this by 35 or younger*

yabu, it's not a gender thing, it's an age thing. 35 is still young and very much prime of your life so it is unusual especially in 22 to have a house costing 500k bought all by yourself. I know a professional couple with good incomes that have a house that price and they only got it through parents help-receiving their inheritances early. They even said without that they'd never have bought.

I'd be amazed at any man or woman at 35 having a house costing 500k at 35. Plus couples are different as they can get mortgages easier and 2 incomes more than one.

I think they’re being very rude. I would never ask someone that!

It’s none of their business. However, to be fair, if you can afford the mortgage on a £500,000 house and own a £500,000 house, then you are quite well off. The fact you don’t have much money left over after paying your mortgage just demonstrates your spending choices and priorities, it doesn’t make you poor - you could, after all, sell your valuable asset and move somewhere smaller, thus ending up with more disposable income. Likewise, a millionnaire is not poor if they don’t have much change left at the end of the month once they have paid their housekeeper and chauffeur and have purchased a new Rolls Royce.

2 different things.

A house may be worth £500k.
But when brought originally, the mortgage at the time, the actual house price, deposit, money from previous house - may mean the actual mortgage per month isn't that much

Plenty of people have houses that are worth a lot, yet the mortgage they pay isn't that much.