Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

470 replies

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 09:01

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 13:45

And definitely a mid week dinner every week - EOW is not enough.

PollyDarton1 · 19/06/2022 13:48

HawaiiCount · 19/06/2022 12:31

Thank you all. Some good points and a lot to think about.

On the face of it they have a “harder” life at mine. They all have chores each day, their dad has a cleaner so they aren’t required to do any housekeeping. Our house is cold in the winter and they have to chop wood, take a hot water bottle to bed etc, they have their own fridges in their bedrooms at their dads! They have their own en suites and individual meals catered for, my house is “this is what’s for dinner”!

Ex did pay maintenance when they were EOW, stopped when we went 50/50. All costs since then are shared ie trips/uniform/stuff they need etc. They have clothes at both homes but much bigger wardrobes at their dads. They even have an at home gym which DS loves.

but what happens when DD gets her first period? When older DD breaks up with her boyfriend, when DS needs a hug. I want my children with me, I want to be part of their everyday life. I feel like my kids have been stolen from me bit by bit and it was so subtle I didn’t notice. I thought I was doing the right thing letting their stepmom be so involved. I’ve lost my kids because of money. DS is packing some stuff up but not taking much because “I’ve got most of it at daddy’s”. DD knows I’m upset and keeps coming to check on me

I just want my children

I am so, so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. This would break my heart if it ever happened with my (now 5) DS. I do everything I can to promote and encourage his time with his father, and the idea of him going to live there, ugh. DS hated going there until ex got with his girlfriend and her two kids, and is now doing all the Disney dad stuff he didn't do for the 5 months he was single.

I suspect it'll be grass is greener effect, and they will come back. You are an amazing mother, prioritising their needs and feelings above your own. There would be many mothers who would refuse to allow it, but you have risen above it. Your children will absolutely thank you for doing so in years to come, however it works out.

I also think your ex and his wife should have discussed this with YOU before the children, but that is by the by.

Sending love Flowers

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/06/2022 13:48

I did wonder as a PP mentioned if you're youngest is actually old enough to make a decision like this, but then pre periods meant at the oldest 10 for me and maybe she's a lot older.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 13:51

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/06/2022 13:48

I did wonder as a PP mentioned if you're youngest is actually old enough to make a decision like this, but then pre periods meant at the oldest 10 for me and maybe she's a lot older.

Early teen

Geneviev · 19/06/2022 13:52

Aw OP that’s terrible. Absolutely wretched. Agree with previous posts that you must let them go and play the long game and I suspect they’ll come back to you.

I don’t, however, think they are being cruel, or selfish, or any of the other adjectives thrown around. There’s no written rule that kids have to live with their mother. They aren’t doing anything wrong.

Rinatinabina · 19/06/2022 13:53

I really wouldn’t make them feel guilty at moving out. It’s not fair. People talking about consequences, why should they face any, they have a right to go live with the other parent. They may be misguided but they shouldn’t feel punished for it. It’s emotional manipulation and they won’t like you for it.

I would tell them that I will miss them, I understand and that the door is always open if they want to comehome.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 13:57

I have just seen that they share bedrooms at yours whereas will have own en-suite bedroom at dad’s

that is quite a big deal for a teenager

my two also shared but then I took over their room and split my room in two £15k partition and redecorate and extra wiring etc. very very worth it if that’s a possibility op?

RavenousBugblatter · 19/06/2022 13:58

Oh, this sounds awful - big hug OP. I'd be concerned that he might expect child maintenance too.

StationaryMagpie · 19/06/2022 13:58

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/06/2022 13:01

Just because their dad has decided, it doesn’t mean to have to say yes.
I’d negotiate some more time with them

This.. this ALL the damn way.

OP, just because they've told you doesn't mean you have to say yes, you're allowed time to think it over and ultimately say No.

You don't have to let them... why are you letting them railroad you into something you don't want?

WeAreBob · 19/06/2022 14:00

StationaryMagpie · 19/06/2022 13:58

This.. this ALL the damn way.

OP, just because they've told you doesn't mean you have to say yes, you're allowed time to think it over and ultimately say No.

You don't have to let them... why are you letting them railroad you into something you don't want?

Show quote history

She came stop them. They can just go. All she would achieve by behaving like that is a severely damaged relationship with them.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 14:05

These are teenagers. On a 50/50 as is.

the op cannot stop them and most bizarre anyone would think otherwise

My2pennorth · 19/06/2022 14:06

Workinghardeveryday · 19/06/2022 09:09

I am so sorry to read this, you must feel so disempowered.

your ex is a twat, ruined your relationship and now taking the kids.

You might find the reality of them living there isn’t what they thought, they very well may come back.

hugs op xxx

Sorry Workinghard, I just don't think that you can say that about the father. It seems like he's trying his best to love, support and provide for his children.
Yes, it is definitely a really sad and difficult time and situation for the poster but that doesn't mean the father is doing anything wrong.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 14:11

Agreed
the ex has done absolutely nothing wrong

Fere · 19/06/2022 14:13

My2pennorth · 19/06/2022 14:06

Sorry Workinghard, I just don't think that you can say that about the father. It seems like he's trying his best to love, support and provide for his children.
Yes, it is definitely a really sad and difficult time and situation for the poster but that doesn't mean the father is doing anything wrong.

Show quote history

Of course he did it wrong! He shouldn't have blackmailed her by sending this message via children! He should have talked to OP first as a grown up. Not hiding behind kids!
Very manipulative behaviour.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 14:15

These are teenagers
They probably said they wanted to tell mum
so he gave her a heads up

the op has not once indicated the ex has done anything wrong

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 19/06/2022 14:15

It seems to me that you and ex DH are on civil terms which is good, but where did the idea come from? Was there lots of hinting by ex to them such as, 'well, if you lived with me...' etc?

Teenagers don't just arrive at a decision like this without it being discussed, so I'd find out what triggered it and take it from there.

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/06/2022 14:18

This a really sad situation for you OP but as pp said I think it's a long game - keep being that loving parent, that emotional support they need and your relationship will weather this storm. However as others have said I think trying to block it, especially with older teens, is pointless. Make it clear to them that your house is always their home and they are welcome there whenever.

Focus on the slivers of silver linings - I dont mean to offend, but it sounds like you are struggling financially with the cold house etc. Costs of food, heating etc are only going to get worse over the next years, see it as a good thing for the kids (although sad for you not having them with you) that they will be living somewhere warm, with no worries about food/fuel costs etc.

You may find they miss you more than they expect and are home for mum hugs every time there's a fall out with a friend, a bit of school stress, an illness. Remember lots of teens don't spend huge amounts of time with parents anyway - its quality not quantity.

It doesnt have to be EOW - make it clear they can see you whenever they want. Focus on how you can all maintain your relationship with them not living under your roof - you can still have your movie nights and "free fun".

I'm sorry though OP. I think teenage years are very difficult.

Babyroobs · 19/06/2022 14:19

Tell them it's not happening. Of course they think the grass is greener there with more bedrooms and foreign holidays. They actually are old enough to understand how hurt this would make you. You still have to maintain a house big enough for them to stay with you yet will lose your benefits for having them not living with you any more.

Hardbackwriter · 19/06/2022 14:22

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 13:57

I have just seen that they share bedrooms at yours whereas will have own en-suite bedroom at dad’s

that is quite a big deal for a teenager

my two also shared but then I took over their room and split my room in two £15k partition and redecorate and extra wiring etc. very very worth it if that’s a possibility op?

The extra space at their dads is indeed probably very appealing - but I also wonder if they just don't want to do 50-50 any more. It's often touted as the gold standard because it's so 'fair' between the parents, but I've known lots of children of divorce who hated it in practice. 50-50 can feel like you live nowhere, you just shuttle between two houses that both have permanent residents but you're only ever a temporary one. It's a lot easier and feels more 'normal' to have a primary home and then somewhere you go EOW, especially as kids turn into teens and their focus turns from family to friends. And I can see that if they don't want 50-50 then it just feels logical that the house with more space and accommodation is the 'main' one.

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/06/2022 14:23

Ps however op I do think you shouldn't hide your feelings over it, and be truthful with them about financial impacts this has on you. Its absolutely fine for them to see that their choices have big consequences and that it will make you very sad.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 14:24

Time to start looking after yourself OP

Let them go to their dads

If having more money and a cushy life is so important to them - let them go and have it

You concentrate on you now.

Invest your time, money and energy into yourself - you deserve it.

oakleaffy · 19/06/2022 14:25

That’s harsh..
Really hurtful.
Sadly I agree Karma just seems to be a load of old hooey made up to comfort people.
I hope your Kids if they do go there want to return to you.

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/06/2022 14:26

I can see that if they don't want 50-50 then it just feels logical that the house with more space and accommodation is the 'main' one.

Not to mention teens often want to have friends over etc, and it sounds like Dad's house is warmer with more space to accommodate that. It does matter, sad as it is for the OP the children's needs do need to be considered and it sounds like their dad has a good relationship with them and is well able to provide for them etc.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2022 14:26

Babyroobs · 19/06/2022 14:19

Tell them it's not happening. Of course they think the grass is greener there with more bedrooms and foreign holidays. They actually are old enough to understand how hurt this would make you. You still have to maintain a house big enough for them to stay with you yet will lose your benefits for having them not living with you any more.

@Babyroobs

nah what I would do now if I was Op was to save myself some money and downsize and the kids will just have to share bedrooms or sleep on a camp bed in the living room

there is no way Op should stretch herself financially to accommodate them. They’ve made their decision according to what suits them best, Op is entitled to do the same

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 14:27

50/50 is ghastly for the children involved

i breathed an almighty sigh of relief when my ex agreed. So children with him EOW and once during week.

would you want your life carved in 2 like this. Forever leaving things you need at one for example

no. But we expect children and teens to. Unfair