Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

OP, I agree with others who have said your ex sounds very manipulative. I therefore wouldn't put it past him to have given your DC the idea that you won't be that bothered by them moving out, or even that you might be pleased to see them go! Whilst I think it's important to try to avoid going into meltdown in front of your DC, I think it's equally important that you let them know that you will really miss them and that you are always happy to have them back living with you if they ever change their mind. Also let them know that they can always contact you to discuss any problems or worries. I think it's also totally fair enough to quiz your DC a bit on whether the decision to spend more time at Dad's is what they want, not something they are doing to please Dad.

Are things going to work financially for you OP? If you are already on UC will you loose that - and presumably CHB when the kids move? Does that impact your accomodation? Will you even be able to have the kids eow if you cannot keep your space?

Sorry I know that's more crap if you haven't thought about it but just wondered about whether the kids realise the reality?

I agree with others that once the novelty wears off there will be a falling out and at least the two school age children will come back.

I’m going against the grain here OP but I think this could be an early warning that it’s time to start thinking about your own happiness, and what kind of life you want to lead as an empty nester.

Your ex was In the wrong to decide with the children and present it to you as a done deal, that’s really disrespectful but he obviously has form for being a liar and cheat. Can you go to mediation and sort through what the kids do actually want. Although I disagree that kids should be able to do whatever they feel like. Their wants should definitely be taken into account but eow is a big reduction and doesn’t sound like it’s necessary as you live close to each other. I also suspect that they will want to come back, especially the youngest. Will they be able to have their own room if the eldest moves out?

Extraordinary how many people on here think that material comfort trumps the quality of your relationships, and that teens are somehow exempt from considering the impact of their decisions on those relationships.

Imagine a parent of adult children, who openly prefers to spend more time with one of their kids, because they're wealthier and provide nicer food and a more luxurious spare room to stay in on visits.

I can't imagine how awful this is for you OP.

But I agree with others - you have to let them go. Their happiness is all that matters really. Being the children of divorced parents must be pretty awful at the best of times and they mustn't feel bad for choosing to spend most of their time with their dad at this stage.

Unfortunately for you, you have to go along with it and you mustn't make them feel guilty. Presumably, your kids love you both but it's also not unreasonable for them to want to have a proper base for the majority of the time rather than the peripatetic arrangement they have now. I always think kids expected to do 50/50 must be a massive pain for them. And as a parent of a teen - they want to have all their mates over - who wouldn't want to have the bigger house to do it? These things matter a lot at their ages.

This is so upsetting. I would feel like you. You sound so lovely and calm with your kids, you're obviously a great mum. I think they will appreciate that more when they are not with you as much so this situation might be short lived.

Imagine a parent of adult children, who openly prefers to spend more time with one of their kids, because they're wealthier and provide nicer food and a more luxurious spare room to stay in on visits.

what a bizarre and irrelevant analogy

these are young and mid teens.
they share a room
privacy as a teen is a priority for them (or have you forgotten this)
at their fathers they have their own space and bathroom

they are currently with him 50/50
their step mother loves having them there
there is no hint that he is a bad father or vindictive or negligent.

His teens have made a decision that 50/50 doesn’t work any more. It wouldn’t work for many adults to have their lives carved in half like this. And yes, their motivation may not be as pure as the driven snow. They may imagine their friends over in their private rooms…. But too right! I don’t begrudge them that and I am baffled you judge a 13 and 15 year old on the basis of how an adult would operate (presumably an adult not sharing his or her bedroom with his sibling!)

Totally agree with this!

and explains why there are so many entitled young people around now

Unpopular opinion here but…

op ignore those telling you that if you show you are upset in front of them that would be manipulative and emotional blackmail blah blah

you are as every bit entitled to feelings and emotions as they are and it’s about time they realised that

Assuming the kids have good relationships with both parents - it's perfectly natural for them to opt to spend most of their time at one home and not split it.

The split of 50/50 is largely for the benefit of the parents. Teens not so much.

I agree with this. Reading your post was very emotive OP.

I’m so sorry. X

I really wouldn’t make them feel guilty at moving out. It’s not fair. People talking about consequences, why should they face any, they have a right to go live with the other parent. They may be misguided but they shouldn’t feel punished for it. It’s emotional manipulation and they won’t like you for it.

I would tell them that I will miss them, I understand and that the door is always open if they want to comehome.

I agree.

There are some very selfish, manipulative posters on this thread.

I wonder if a man started a thread about wanting the children to live with him FT even though they don’t want to - would posters be telling him to cry in front of them and make them feel guilty, or refuse to allow them to move.

The split of 50/50 is largely for the benefit of the parents. Teens not so much.

I also agree with this.

I think 50:50 is the fairest thing for parents but it must be very difficult for DCs.

They probably just want a base where they can spend most of their time and of course having a warmer home and your own room so you can do your homework or get away from your siblings is more beneficial for them and it seems odd that the parents haven’t come to this decision themselves already as it makes sense.

Same thing happened to me. At the time, financially I was really struggling. In the divorce, I'd just given him everything to speed things up, so he kept the house and everything in it.

I rented and then got back on the property ladder. We'd done 50/50 with the kids all the way through.

When they became teens, the 50/50 did become too busy for them, I completely understood. Plus he still had their "home". In the end they decided to live with their dad and I saw them during the week most weeks. They were early/mid teens.

I cried privately, a lot. But I understood and no way did I want to give them feelings of guilt. Not many adults would be happy living in 2 homes.

They are grown now and my relationship with them is wonderful. But the biggest and worst part of it was the shame I felt. I told nobody, I still don't tell anyone. It was probably obvious to everyone who knew us, but I just couldn't say it. I still feel that shame. As a mum, not having my kids with me hurt like hell but we're all fine.

Why did he only have them every other weekend the first few years? Did he refuse to have them more?

That is an arrangment that is often seen as more than enough time for a parent and in the best interst of the kids. It is a pretty common one and I get you didn't think it would be you on that side of the arrangment but he did it for a few years, then you went to 50/50 and now you will have what he had before. It all kind of balances out.

The kids are old enough to come and go from both places as they want. While he might have more material things, the relationship you have built with them is still there and it will bring them back for love and comfort and food.

you are as every bit entitled to feelings and emotions as they are and it’s about time they realised that

I don't agree.

They are entitled to feel loved and welcome in both houses. They are not expected to feel guilt for living in one house and visiting the other. The divorced status of their parents is not their fault and the parents should be prioritising the happiness of their kids above anything else and NOT exposing them to emotional manipulation.

sorryto hear this similar happened with my nephew-his father buggered off when he was 3 didnt see him regularly but at 14 turned up and started seeing him every week showering him with gifts and holidays and convinced him his life was better with him-she tried to fight it but couldnt legally stop him-he hardly sees her now or the rest of us-wont say why just doesnt want to

its all about the money for some reason-i just hope one day he realises its not the be all and end all

But that isn't the situation here at all. These are minor children whose family broke up and they by no choice of their own had two homes. And so they pinged pong back and forth. And now they are older and want to live in one place. One place means one parent will be the one they live with, no matter who they went with, one parent will feel hurt. It is a bad position they have been put in - not by their own doing and they are trying to make the best of it and find stability. If OP has built good relationships with them, they will come home often.

Sounds like this is happening. Yes you will feel heart broken.Try to turn this into a positive. If they are living with him, can you come to some agreement that he pays for their keep, meaning you can use the money you save for treats when you see them. Meals/days out etc. Can you pick them up from school 2 days a week. Go to the cinema/ play tennis/ badminton. Can you have the fun bits without the drudgery of raising kids? I really think you need to negotiate the above as a softener. Your ex really should facilitate this. He gets the kids , he pays for them and you get more disposable income to facilitate having a nice time with them.

That isn't really how child maintenance works! The parent who doesn't have the kids still has to contribute financially as part of their parental responsibility.

Well, they’re at an age where they can vote with their feet, so I’m not sure OP can just refuse. If she did it’s likely to have a detrimental impact on their relationships in the long run, so not sure if it’s worth it.

She may be their mother, but equally he’s their father and while he may be a shit in the eyes of OP, they’re going to have their own experiences with him, and their own relationships with him that are separate to OP. They can love and appreciate OP, while feeling the same towards their father and wanting to live with him.

i’m not sure it’s helpful to tell OP they’ll naturally be back within weeks. Some do return, but equally others don’t. The last thing OP needs to be doing is betting on it like it’s a sure thing and be sitting there waiting.

Op, you haven’t mentioned so I’m guessing the ex is not asking for maintenance from you?

But the kids have told her what they want. The oldest moved out a while ago and now the other two want to go there too. Theyve been doing 50:50 for several years so it's notice they don't know the ins and outs of both places. Why would you put them through the stress of mediation?

I agree the likeliest outcome is the will tend to migrate back to their mums but not if she's made life difficult over their choice.

@Midlifemusings I know that. It's why I said she could negotiate it. If I were wealthy and my ex wasn't, I'd like to think I would feel some compassion re the situation and soften the blow somehow. He does sound reasonably aware of his ex's feelings.