Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

I would say just say no. Nicely, gently, sweetly; no.

I moved in with my Dad when I was 13. You don’t have to allow it. “You need both of your parents. I know that you love your Dad and that his house is great, but it’s not OK with me.”

Did you read my 2nd post?

Oh OP, I know your pain. One of mine is living with the ex right now and it is awful - he has developed my ex’s misogynistic attitude towards women and is generally unpleasant to be around. I look forward to him leaving after his visits where he tries to rule the roost and put us all in our places. He has split our family in two and I doubt we will ever be the same.

I think you have recourse to ask for 50/50 to continue but they are old enough to make their own decisions now. Just carry on being you. I live in hope that once my boy holds his own child in his arms, it will click with him what I did and what he’s done.

@HawaiiCount really feel for you and what you are facing. Allow yourself time to consider what you are losing and how you feel about it. Tell your children how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Do your best to ensure they know they are welcome back and that you can stay in touch in other ways too. As others have posted I imagine one or more of them will be back sooner rather than later.

For now take care of yourself and reach out to friends and family for support.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, my heart hurts for you just reading it. I dont know what the answer is right now but I know that your DC will look back and see all of this with hindsight and understand.

@Phobiaphobic I would never advocate my own children putting my feelings before their lives, I think that’s pretty rubbish parenting.

I put myself first, I was in my late teens doing GCSES’s and A Levels. I’d already had to move from a different country back to England meaning I had to complete year 10 and year 11 in one year. I’m sure some teenagers have no other option than to share one computer between three siblings and revise at the kitchen table amongst other siblings were watching tv or playing. I didn’t, I had a dedicated study in my dads house that was quiet and my own computer. Why on earth would I have risked my exams and future to spare my mothers feelings?

This is heartbreaking. It's hard to know how much to tell your children but the fact he was unfaithful and did fuck all with the children and now has them all the time is just awful.

Will there be financial implications for you as well, like child benefits?

I am in my 40s and sometimes I still really need my mum - no one else will do. You are their mum for life. I know that doesn't lessen the pain. 💜

I totally get you OP, I would feel exactly the same. Give it time, let the dust settle. I think they’ll miss you terribly and that will hopefully mean things get back to a more 50/50 arrangement. Try to keep things together so that when they hopefully spend more time with you, you’ll be in a good place. And don’t be embarrassed that your children don’t be living with you, anyone that matters will know the situation, anyone that judges without knowing the facts, fuck them.

Do you have support from friends and family?

Sorry this thread has turned into self indulgent arguments OP. Wishing you well and like most mothers, empathising with your sense of loss.
It sounds as if you put your children first and will continue to do so. Maybe there's a balance between completely hiding your emotions and letting them know that you love them dearly and will miss them hugely when they're not with you. Children need to understand that you don't just sever relationships with no consequences - you're their Mum - of course you'll be sad, but you love them and if that's what they want, then you support them.
(and come on here and rant about your oh so manipulative ex while you wait for the scales to fall from their eyes).

Oh op I really feel for you. All you can do really is wait and see what unfolds. In the meantime please do reach out to friends and family and also look into some counselling.

This is tough. Divorce is shit. Life isn't fair

I relate a bit to what you are going through.

I'm recently divorced and renting. While I try and buy. My X bought a house. We have SS 17 and DD 15. He's got DD and is denying me access apart from the occasional overnight when he's away. But she comes late, after supper and leaves first thing.

He has a GF and takes her to visit her DS goes to see then weekly and stays over. I saw her on Thursday having not seen her for 5wks.

Thing that has given me peace is accepting the situation. It's been a bitter divorce and I'm the higher earner. XH was a SAHD. So my XH has influenced my DD to say she won't accept any money or gifts from me. Or go on holiday or socialise with me in any way. But when I do see her we often have a laugh and I can tell it's not her.

Also he lives in the town she goes to school in and where all her friends are. Teenagers can be mercenary.

I intend to play the long game. Learn patience. Wait for them both to mature and work things out for themselves. Find a nice house and be happy.

Losing DD for now has almost pulled me under. But I won't fight XH and know his dream would be for me (as instigator of divorce) to be estranged from my kids. I won't give him that pleasure. But also if his GF loves my kids too I'm fine with that. You can't have too many people that care about you in this life.

You sound such a lovely mum. Teenagers are hard work! Hang in there.

Xxx

Same for me! My DD isn't with me. I feel rejected but it's just the downside of divorce. Also society expects the mother to keep kids. But as my XH was a SAHD (even tho I worked from home) maybe it's less weird.

I was very upset and cried when my DD first went. I wasn't even told. He just kept cancelling her seeing me. We agreed 50/50 but it's 95/5 and of course he can now claim CM.

I relate to this! Love seeing my DD but she opens her mouth and XH's views of me and my life come out. I'm to be looked down on. Not good enough. Irrelevant. So I actually feel better not having her here because I feel she's spying on me for him. Horrid.

i would be devastated and i think ex is being unbelievably selfish.
he and new wife 'want' the kids more so just happily discussed them living there fulltime seems with NO regard whatsoever for your feelings.

I would be telling the kids that you will think about it and discuss it with their father but for now the status quo continues as it is.

and then i would be asking ex just exactly what he thought you would say/feel about this ?
Get angry not devastated

Not the same situation OP, but when my eldest child died, my middle one gave up his job and went travelling, the youngest was just about to go to university. I desperately wanted to keep them close, but I had to let them go. They knew how much I would miss them but I explained that I would always be here and they could come home any time.
It was so hard, but it was the right thing to do. It would have been wrong to ask them to stay. We have all had to work through it.
As long as your DC know that you love them, you will miss them, but you want them to be happy and they can come home any time, that is really the best you can do. They will grow up and realise how much you have done for them, even if not until they have children of their own.
Now is your time to develop hobbies and friendships of your own.
Let their dad take some responsibility and spend his money. He might learn something from this too.

When I was younger 16 I did this to my mum I don't think she was bothered though if I'm being honest or she just didn't say she was, I moved in with my dad as he was "more fun" and allowed me to decorate my room how I wanted get any pets I wanted he worked nights so wasn't in from 4pm till 2am and when he was in he was asleep, he also got me a double bed I weren't allowed at my mums so I had my boyfriend at the time sleep when ever I wanted and he didn't charge me rent which my mum did. I moved back home 6 months later with a 3 rats and left behind a dog and 6 cats at his house and a half decorated bedroom. There's nothing like being at your mums

Just because their dad has decided, it doesn’t mean to have to say yes.
I’d negotiate some more time with them

Ridiculous reply

Sorry OP I misunderstood. When you said no maintenance either way I thought you meant in either situation - before and after he had them 50/50. I still think you should ask for some now. Not because he legally owes it but because morally it's the right thing to do for the DC sakes. Especially if your changed financial circumstances mean you can't afford to keep living in a property with the extra bedrooms needed for DC to stay over. This is what they want to do and it's in their best interests to still have that time with you. I don't think it does any harm for DC to realise their decision to move out has a financial impact on you. And to also realise if the reason they can't stay over is because their wealthy dad won't pay what is needed to facilitate you living in a property where they can do that. Maybe none of this is relevant and you'll be able to stay living where you are, I just thought I'd mention it.

I agree this is very selfish of your ex. I would be very upset as you are. What is wrong with the current arrangement anyway? Who's idea that was? Your kids or your ex's I wonder.

You are very brave OP, hats off to you for stating calm and allowing them their wishes.
The other aspect is will this affect you financially?
I know you’ll have less outgoings with no DC ar home but will you lose any housing entitlement of UC because you have no children there? Will you still be able to afford to stay in that house?

‘…then my ex also asked me to transfer the child benefit to him which I did and he then went to the CMS and I had to pay maintenance .’

Worth noting this.
Do not sign or agree to anything about him being primary parent as any changes in visits/stay overs may be temporary. Child benefit is paid to women for good reasons, including as a counter to financial abuse.

Do you have a partner OP and do your DC get on with them?

I'm sure you don't want to think about either of these points but will he expect child support from you?

And could you use this as an opportunity to upskill. I retrained at 50.

I completely understand that you are devastated. I would be.