Children want to live with their dad, I’m devastated

[HawaiiCount]

3 DC. Split with their father when they were little, now early/mid/late teens.

Initially we did the every other week/weekend thing. Ex re-married 6 years ago and we’ve done 50/50 since. No maintenance either way.

Our household incomes are poles apart. He and his wife are very wealthy. I work full time but still eligible for universal credit. Very different houses, they share bedrooms at mine, no foreign holidays, expected to do chores, cook dinner etc.

Older teen started staying at their dads more often around 6 months ago. Two younger teens have now said they want to move to their fathers and come to mine every second weekend.

Im devastated. I hid it when we were discussing and said I’d think about it and needed some time to think how that would work. The second they left I broke down. These are my babies, I grew them from scratch, I never thought I would be in a position where my children don’t live with me and I see them twice a month. I never wanted any of this, the reason we split is because of his affair, karma is bullshit, he’s remarried, wealthy and now has our children. I have nothing.

I want to be fair to the kids and support what they need but my heart is broken

These children don’t though. They can live at their dads.

i understand how upsetting it must be op. But I also agree there are a lot of double standards here. The kids can want to live with their dad too without it being some sort of underhand plot.

That's based on a LOT of assumptions to be fair. You have no idea if that's the case or not. Im sure we all feel for the OP but there's no value in slagging off the ex hubby. Like I said previously it's hard but it's not really anything you can change without being seen as selfish or, as a previous poster suggested, emotionally blackmailing the kids.....

You would think then that the double standards would be best addressed, at least in part, by not encouraging women to think of themselves at the primary parent, and by encouraging men to step up.

This man has in fact stepped up, and built a relationship with his children that is strong enough that they want to live with him. Given that he can’t change the fact he didn’t do the ‘drudge work’ in the past, I suppose it would be better that he just didn’t bother at all? Might have been better for the OP of course, but not so much for his kids.

telling OP she’s hard done by and attacking her ex and her children does precisely nothing to change the reality of the situation. The fact that mumsnetters think they’re arseholes means nothing to them. How is calling them that helpful though? Presumably she’ll want to keep a relationship going with the selfish betrayers, given that they’re her children and she loves them.

You have no idea whether the children will know any such thing, or even if their decision was a result of their father’s machinations at all. They are equally as likely to not return, and be quite happy with their decision long turn.

You’re accusing other posters of nastiness, but encouraging OP to indulge in wishful thinking, and to expect scenarios that may never come to pass isn’t exactly a kindness.

Why are some pps so vitriolic against the OP? I can understand it may be their personal view, especially if they have a personal history, but why so keen so attack the distraught OP on her own thread?🤔

I suspect there might be some with an agenda tbh

I hope op is ok. Honestly I've been thinking of of her all day

I haven’t read vitriol. Just people pointing out that the DC have the right to choose to live with their dad and shouldn’t be labelled selfish for doing so or made to feel guilty by the OP telling them how sad their decision has made her.

The teenage years are not exactly the easiest so the OP’s ex may well have a tough few years ago head. Since everyone has pointed out how unfair it was that she had to cope with the drudgery of the early years alone perhaps this could be some kind of Karma.

Look, a thread about someone devoted to kittens would turn on the op some how.

Eastie..her natural human response is hurt and devestation why can't she show or let her DC know her natural human response.

Because that’s not what a responsible parent does. You don’t just let your dc know your “natural response” all the time. You consider how it would affect them.

I agree with that. It is tough absolutely but it’s a valid choice for kids to make and no one should make the children feel guilty:

putting aside the fact that being vitriolic against an OP on their own thread is mumsnet’s preferred pastime, I don’t see how anyone has been vitriolic to OP. Not building up complete strangers as Disney* villain caricatures in order to tear into them does not constitute being horrible to OP.

It’s possible to have sympathy for OP without demonising her ex or children, without wishing said children a bad relationship with their father, and without willing them a future of pain and regret.

I also disagree with the notion that telling OP that they will move back, have a shit relationship with their father (like that’s something to want for any child!) and regret their actions (like they’ve done something wrong when they haven’t) is somehow the kind thing to do. It’s nothing more than wishful thinking on the part of the person posting it, and it’s encouraging OP to pin her hopes on something that may very well not happen.

Village I..m quite sure that op has hidden many a natural response just as she did here,

I don't think it's right to hide a response like this over such a huge event.
I think it's better to be natural... everyone hug...say sorry,pop the balloon and move on.
This balloon is merely going to remain unpoppwd over them and expand and expand

Let's not gild the lily. 'Stepping up' here seems to involve no greater effort than allowing his own children to live in his house now he's discovered he can't have a new family with his new partner. And it's not the strength of the relationship that's the deciding factor for the children, who have admitted its the amenities in the house that are the attraction.
I'm not saying he's not a decent father, we don't know enough to say, but neither is there any evidence he should be shortlisted for an award either.
It may be of no practical help to the OP for people to criticise this man, but its no emotional help to her either when posters who are unable to see beyond their own obsession with standing up for men on MN, try to present him as the good guy and gaslight her into thinking she's no right to be upset with him.

@5128gap · Today 19:58

Well said imo.

Nothing to do with defending him on account of him being a man. Similarly, I don’t feel the need to attack him for the same reason.

‘Stepping up’ i.e providing a home for his children and fostering a relationship with them that they clearly value, by virtue of them wanting to live with him. You have no idea that failed IVF has anything to do it.

OP hasn’t said that they hate him, or that they have a bad relationship, and were that the case I doubt she’d have neglected to mention it. The amenities are unlikely to be the entire story, although wanting to live comfortably is hardly some grievous offence.

i haven’t claimed he’s ‘the good guy’ (as if people are ever so neatly categorised), I’m just not going to paint him, a complete stranger, as the bad guy because he’s willing to house his children. And no, that doesn’t deserve an award given that it should be basic ass parenting. On the flip side, he doesn’t deserve condemnation for being willing to house his children either, despite what some posters clearly believe.

Not sure how insulting OP’s children whilst telling her that they’ll absolutely come back and regret their actions constitutes ‘providing emotional support’. Where does that leave OP if they don’t? Why encourage her to look at her children as betraying her, when they’re actually doing nothing wrong?

Well I’m not ‘standing up for men’ or trying to present OP’s ex as a good man. I’m standing up for her childrens right to choose.

I don’t know the ex from Adam. He could be a good man or he could be a completely horrible human being. I’d say the latter is unlikely given that all 3 of his children want to live with him but you never know.

Equally, none of us know the OP. The lack of space, money and cold house may be a red herring and her children may not want to live with her for other reasons. Perhaps they don’t like her? We have no idea.

I will say that MN is full of posts from women who are angry that their ex partners/husbands spend limited time with their DC and do not take responsibility for them. OP’s ex has offered to house his 3 children in line with their wishes. I’m certain if he said no he would be condemned as selfish and his new wife identified as the wicked SM and driving force behind him not wanting the children. The fact she is welcoming them with open arms is now turned into her being child snatcher because she is unable to have her own children. Horrid.

Offering to house his three children in line with their wishes is not doing 'a good thing'. Its doing the thing thst suits him now. Just as leaving his family (presumably not in line with ,his children's wishes) suited him then.
'A good thing' would be to have provided the means for his children to have more comfort in the OPs home, so material issues didn't need to be a factor In their decision where to live.
I'm not saying he's a bad father and have absolutely no criticism of his new partner, (who is doing 'a good thing') but he's certainly not done right by OP.
To leave your partner then encourage your children to join you using material benefits, and against your ex partners wishes, when there are other options to uplift the children's lifestyle, is in my view a pretty shabby thing to do. And I'd feel exactly the same if the OP was their father and had been the primary carer.

More assumptions about a complete stranger. You have no idea that the only reason he’s doing this is because it’s convenient for him, or because he has nefarious intentions. And yes, it is a good thing to listen to your children, and provide for them. it not suiting the mother does not mean it isn’t good for the the children.

why shouldn’t he want his children to join him? You have no idea whether he encouraged it, or whether it was led by the children themselves. Supporting their wishes is not the same as encouraging them.

Outside of those cases where spousal support is awarded, no better off ex is required to take financial responsibility for their former partner. He’s only responsible for providing for his children, which he is doing.

👏🏻 totally agree

Outside of those cases where spousal support is awarded, no better off ex is required to take financial responsibility for their former partner. He’s only responsible for providing for his children, which he is doing.

Is child support not based on a proportion on income? - Genuine question.

My ASD teen left my home at 15 to move in with his ASD dad - wasn’t about money or comforts. They just suddenly clicked after years of not getting on.

I always said that he was free to choose but I won’t lie, it was really difficult.

I’d spent years finding the cash for extra activities and doing everything I could for him, his dad contributed nothing financially. I made sure I could manage, worked shifts on bank to make stuff happen if I didn’t have the cash.

Ds changed over about six months from being really close to me to not even speaking to me apart from insulting me.

I can’t see our relationship recovering tbh. He probably contacts me once a month these days, usually when he wants something that he left here.

I've spoken to a friend who went through something similar. I think it’s more common than you think where there’s been a difficult divorce.

He seems happy so it must be working for him.

I think that's partly teenagers too.

Things can go full circle so don't give up hope.

I am sure all the kids simply want to be together.

And more comfortable.

But also that they love their faithful loyal mum so much they are taking her for granted. Which in a way is OK it's all about them, not her.

Given she reached out for help and support with a devastating situation, it's equally horrid to suggest her kids don't like her.

Nasty.

I think that's partly teenagers too.

i agree, teens can be fickle, not through malice it’s just them growing into who they are.

they see something they want somewhere else (not material things or money either) and think, oh that’ll be better for me

different rules, different lifestyle/or way of living

I hope op can get support in RL and not worry about telling some close friends what’s happening. As pp says it’s much more common than people realise